Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Some thoughts and an update
Learning:
Hi Bunny,
Whew...glad you found my use of your word flattering. I was in quite a dither over it. It's interesting cuz usually I don't think I would be so worried about making a mistake like that...it is just that here, on this board, I feel sooooooo vulnerable. I feel completely off-step and I don't like it but I think it's good cuz I am also feeling alot of stuff that I had pushed down.
What makes me different? I don't remember exactly what they said to me as a kid, but I have come away with two major beliefs. The first is that I can't trust myself...I don't see what I see, hear what I hear, know what I know or even want what I want. I don't see the world as it is or as others see it. The second is that I have some sort of special power over people and situations. As an adult I have heard...that my "words could destroy someone in minutes" and that I am a witch with powerful abilities among other things. But this also lent itself to responsibility...if something was wrong...they wanted me to fix it.
It was an obvious display of this type of thinking that really pushed me to this point of cutting off ties. The time since my kids were born, I really tried to build family ties...I still was holding on to this dream that if I tried hard enough, I could make everything work out between me and my family. It began to really take a toll on me and I was starting to pull away.
Then in January my dad called me one night complaining that his swollen legs were "weeping" to the point that pools of water were collecting on the ground. I suggested he go to the emergency room, he refused...and by now I had already learned to just let that go(plus I am 5 hours away). But he went in the next day and it turns out he was having serious complications from a heart condition he didn't tell anyone about. I know this because I called his nurse after my mom begged me to because only "I" could handle this and I was HOOKED. I was so the little girl again. Crying in the shower, really worried that this time he was going to die. Really worried that it was all on my shoulders. I called him and expressed my concern, my love, my desire to come see him. Couldn't he see that I really cared??? That he didn't need to play any games? That I would give him the love he craved? No he couldn't. The next day, when he was feeling better, he called me. What did he say? First he insulted my cousin (who I am getting close to), then he half insulted my H and then he told me that the reason his leg was infected was because of a fall he had taken at my house in 1996. This was my fault? Good Lord...he was serious. I was stunned, really stunned. I got off the phone but called later to let him know how I felt...I was a bit emotional, but I tried to stick to the facts...he told me I was "f***ing crazy" and should be put away. Later he pretended like nothing happened. Always pretending.
Mom's take on it? "Oh that's why you are so angry. Oh you know he didn't mean it. Oh, you know you don't always perceive things correctly".
I'm done with them...done with the emotional rollercoaster, done with the diminishing, belittling and the REFUSAL to take responsiblity for anything they do. This was just the last scene, the list goes on and on.
My sisters have complained on and on to me about them. Yet they really think I'm wrong for pulling away, for not fulfilling my role in all of this. I'm very sad about this because I really want a relationship with them. I am not completely writing that off...but for now I need space from them as well.
So what does all this have to do with feeling like I shouldn't say I am "deep". I guess I still don't really know. Maybe I feel like if I do compliment myself then everyone will think that I am buying into this idea of having special powers. I don't really know. Or maybe I don't want people to give me too much responsiblity. Oh well...still not sure.
Thanks Bunny for being so insightful and asking really good questions. I spent alot of time thinking about this one :) .
Learning
Ellie:
Oh Learning, I can relate so much with your life! I felt like there was a mirror of me I was reading about, but the situations are a little different.
I really feel for you, because I know the anguish you are going through. I just told H last night I think I live in a parallel universe. When I am at home, no one thinks I see what I see, hear what I hear, know what I know, feel what I feel, etc. But when I drive away from my house on my way to work, it's as if I pass through an unseen door and the world is then normal. At work, I do not have these problems. How can life be so different? H's response was that "I set up my work environment, let them see the person I want them to see, act the way I want them to see me act, and have no past with them so no baggage to get in the way". But he says at home I ahve no choice to be the real me and I confuse everyone else, not the other way around. Strange thing is, at work I am so comfortable really being me, accepted for who I am. At home I feel I must live up to an expectation that is impossible to achieve - SuperMom!
You said:
--- Quote ---The first is that I can't trust myself...I don't see what I see, hear what I hear, know what I know or even want what I want. I don't see the world as it is or as others see it. The second is that I have some sort of special power over people and situations. As an adult I have heard...that my "words could destroy someone in minutes" and that I am a witch with powerful abilities among other things. But this also lent itself to responsibility...if something was wrong...they wanted me to fix it.
--- End quote ---
Wow! can I ever relate!
N parents have always told me same thing. For example I could tell Nmom the sky is blue on a clear day and she would say, "not really, it may have been at one time, but I'm sure it's going to rain so even if you think it's blue, it's not - you don't see it right and it's really gray, you're always so wrong."
Ndad told me he would never forgive me for being responsible for his truck accident - a woman broad sided him, I was at my home waiting for them to visit. He says since he was coming to visit me, and I lived 4 hours away, thus forcing him to drive so far to see me, it was all my fault and I would never be forgiven. He has no problem drivng 1500 miles to visit my sister every year.
Can we cyber lean on each other? :cry:
We'll hang in there together.
Learning:
Hi Ellie,
Wow...it does sound like we have had really similar experiences. You brought up some things here that really resonated with me! Cyberleaning sounds good to me.
First I want to say that I read through your other thread and I say, GO, ELLIE, GO. I think it is wonderful that you are standing up for yourself in your marriage. I always find it mind boggling when I hear about people taking advantage of other people.
--- Quote ---When I am at home, no one thinks I see what I see, hear what I hear, know what I know, feel what I feel
--- End quote ---
I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It is crazy making. And thank you Ellie for reminding me of the last one. I also don't feel what I feel. Interesting that I forgot that one. I was taught and reinforced so many times in my life that feelings are something to be feared. Put them away and use your head...but oh yeah...you don't see things clearly so you have NO CHANCE of doing anything right. AARGH!
Oops sorry for the outburst.
--- Quote ---But when I drive away from my house on my way to work, it's as if I pass through an unseen door and the world is then normal. At work, I do not have these problems. How can life be so different? H's response was that "I set up my work environment, let them see the person I want them to see, act the way I want them to see me act, and have no past with them so no baggage to get in the way". But he says at home I ahve no choice to be the real me and I confuse everyone else, not the other way around. Strange thing is, at work I am so comfortable really being me, accepted for who I am. At home I feel I must live up to an expectation that is impossible to achieve - SuperMom!
--- End quote ---
Oh boy, your H reminds me of some people I know. So at work you are just a big fake, huh? What the h**l? That really angers me. I think you are right...only I think as you walk out your front door the world is normal since you have left the crazy making machine.
I am really intrigued by your idea of a parallel universe. I have been feeling that way so much lately. I remember feeling that way as a child. Home versus school. I always excelled in school and I think it was partly because the expectations were clear, not alot of gray area. I loved school because I could do things right there. Home was another story.
Lately my parallel universe is between what I am feeling inside and what is happening outside of me. My family life is positive. My H trusts my point of view and I have friends who are positive and from what I see supportive. But still that belief that I am evil, just really out to hurt other people (and I don't know I'm doing it) sits with me. My inner guards are always here watching to make sure I am not doing anything wrong. I imagine them to be like little soldiers :lol: . But really it is frustrating.
Ellie, so you have super powers too. Yes of course you had the ability to stop that woman from hitting your dad, you just didn't want to. Again, I find it just absolutely mind boggling that someone could use this reasoning. I'm sorry you are experiencing this too.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm sad for what you are going through and have gone through. Yet I am glad to know that I am not alone in this type of experience.
with Cyber hugs,
Learning
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Learning ---I don't see the world as it is or as others see it. The second is that I have some sort of special power over people and situations. As an adult I have heard...that my "words could destroy someone in minutes" and that I am a witch with powerful abilities among other things. But this also lent itself to responsibility...if something was wrong...they wanted me to fix it.
--- End quote ---
Learning,
Do you mean they told you you literally had magical powers?
bunny
Learning:
Hi Bunny,
I don't know if they ever told me that as a child, but mom said that to me some years ago as an adult. She basically started telling me that I was a witch who had this ability to make things go my way. She believes that I can just think about something I want and then it will happen. I rejected that when she told me because it is obviously not true. As a child, I don't know really what she told me...I don't remember much.
She also thinks she has some powers. Once when my cats were missing I was so distraught and I called and told her about it. She told me she was sorry because it was her fault. She didn't put the protective bubble around me and my cats that morning while meditating. I guess usually she does. :?: Anyway, I found my cats later (in case you were wondering).
I feel bad writing about this because this part about my mom makes me really sad. She really has had a hard life and I know that she probably feels much more confused and anxious than I do. I just wish she could see that there are people that could help her. Instead she clings to my dad. :(
Learning
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