Article on the neurobiology of mother-child attachment

[October]

I don't think they're all like this. If they were, I wouldn't see a therapist. I would dump mine quickly if he appeared to obtain gratification from any of my statements to him.

bunny[/quote]

You can see that I am far too defensive, can't you?  Sorry, Bunny.  I should have said that perhaps your t is different, and I really hope he is.  But as I was writing I saw Dr M (glowering psychotherapist) in my mind, and I just felt very, very scared.  Going to see a doctor of any kind is really hard for me; men or women.  Going to see a male t is a thousand times worse.  Not because of childhood issues, but because of revictimisation.  

Thanks for all your encouragement.  I looked at the website you mentioned, and it made it all very real again.  There is no question of sexual abuse (because I can guard against that), but there was definite crossing of emotional (and at times physical) and professional boundaries, and there was a lot of emotional abuse and huge power games.  I know that now, but I had no idea then.  I asked what the rules are and he said there are no rules.  There should have been!!

And all the blame has landed on me, as with some of those stories.  Denial from the minister himself, who told his friend, and I assume also his wife and his bishop that I was emotionally unstable, heading for a breakdown, had developed an unnatural fixation for him and was in love with him.

Quite a lot of rejection for one very vulnerable person to take, all because he told me about his childhood, his abusive brother and mother, what his mother did to him and his brother, and what his brother did to his children.  All in detail.  All when I was supposed to be being counselled by him, and when he had stopped listening and started talking instead.  And he said it was ok because we were 'friends'.  We were never friends.  He used me like my dad used me, for inappropriate emotional support.  He knew things no-one else knew, and he used me and then threw me away.

I once read about t abuse, where it said that any kind of professional abuse is the same as incest, because the power relationships are the same as with a parent:child relationship.  Which means that the emotional abuse from my parents was repeated with this t.  And he is not the only one.  He is the worst, because I learned a lot from this, about how to protect myself.  But he did not protect me, any more than my parents ever did.  And the bishop said the problem was mine, because I could not let go.  But I was not holding on.  I can't.  I don't do dependency.  I do supporting other people.  And he used me for emotional support.  

And later when I applied for ministry training myself, I was told I was 'insufficiently healed.'  Same bishop.  Long story.  Better not go there.

I think I would like to cry, but there are no tears left.

I think the 'us' from my current t is herself and her team.  Each person receiving psychiatric care in the UK is supposed to have a team, with a team leader, and there is supposed to be a care plan agreed with the patient.  Lots of stuff like that.  I have not met my team, and do not know who they are, and I do not know who the team leader is.  It is not exactly empowering.  Maybe I will ask her on Monday, if I can.

[Anonymous]

I asked what the rules are and he said there are no rules.  There should have been!!

There are rules if he has a license to practice. He doesn't abide by the rules but they exist nonetheless.

Here is a site, part of the British Psychological Society website, about how to file a complaint against a therapist. I don't know if this monster is a member of the society but he probably belongs to *some* professional organization. If he has a license to practice, he obtained his license from some board who could investigate him. You may not be his only victim.

http://www.bps.org.uk/findpsychologist/complaints.cfm

You aren't without recourse.

bunny

[October]

I don't know if this monster is a member of the society but he probably belongs to *some* professional organization. If he has a license to practice, he obtained his license from some board who could investigate him. You may not be his only victim.


bunny

Thanks for the link.  Sadly, I think he was trained as a counsellor by the church, and that the appropriate people to take it up with would be in the church, but that tends to be a closed shop, as the articles on your other site testify all too well.

Sorry this thread has gone kind of off course.  All I can say is that this is what happens if you have inappropriate mother:child attachment.  It ***** up all your other attempts to find normal relationships, and even poisons therapy.  Both Michael (monster t   ) and I had this problem, and it was the worst possible scenario for going into a therapeutic relationship.  Transference all over the place, no doubt.

Thanks for caring, Bunny.  You are very special.  

[bunny]

Actually, the thread didn't go off course. It was about attachment and its relationship to a therapeutic cure. I brought up a former therapist's impairment in the attachment area, and you brought up a similar situation. I don't think poor mother-child attachment is a permanent, crippling condition IF we can find appropriate professionals to deal with us. I've gotten much better over the years.

Your former therapist poisoned the therapy because he is a sociopath. He isn't supposed to exhibit transference -- you are. He is a monster. If you lived in this country, I would suggest getting an attorney to sue him for any money you paid him. I don't know if you can do that in the U.K.

bunny

P.S. You're special, too.  

[October]

(((((((Bunny)))))))

You're right.  There was a lot of transference.  I realised afterwards that what had happened is that because M had so many unresolved issues relating to his own childhood, his mother took over my therapy, and the words he spoke were often not his own but hers.  This became increasingly true, as he got taken over more and more, until there was nothing of M left at all.

For example, while discussing s**cide, I said that I thought I would never do that, even though the ideation was very strong at that point, because it would be doing something to my daughter that was far worse than anyone ever did to me, and that she didn't deserve that.  His reply was 'she will cope' (she was 4 at the time, nearly 5).  Fortunately, I was able to think about his words, and tell him; no, she will not cope.  (Because I had a friend at University whose father had killed himself when this friend was very young, and he had never got over it.  I knew the impact would be devastating.)

M told me in this same session that it was only his faith in God that prevented him from jumping off the cliff with me.  (That was my euphemism for S.)  And he said I was too old, and the wrong sex, to kill myself.  Double dare??  

Anyone for a suicide pact with a therapist?    

So, the mother thing is very strong here, and its influence if left unresolved is extremely dangerous for a t to carry round with him or her.

[brokenwing]

And the bishop said the problem was mine, because I could not let go. But I was not holding on. I can't. I don't do dependency. I do supporting other people. And he used me for emotional support

The minister was wrong, wrong, wrong.  And the Bishop had a nerve to expect you to let go without help and support.  He expects you to be superhuman yet his minister gets away with being inhuman.

But I recognise something of my own experience in this paragraph which I thought to share with you. Sometimes we have to let go of our role in supporting others. Sometimes we 'hold on' in order get what we need BY supporting someone else.  You may find some of the literature on co-dependency enlightening.  I found it very helpful.

I suspect that by using the phrase 'us' your t meant 'us' as individuals ie YOU.  You are in charge.  You decided it wasn't worth it.  You decided not to go back.  You decided he didn't notice.  You decided he should pursue you and that, if he didn't, this 'meant' something.

No, YOU are in charge.  You CAN have choices.  Everything we do is a painful choice, a choice with consequences.  WE are responsible.  If we act or if we don't act, we have chosen.  Every breath is a choice with consequences.  It's overwhelming when the realisation dawns - but freedom is on the other side.

Kind thoughts

[Anonymous]

October,

I agree with brokenwing. And by the way, this therapist is VERY SICK to have discussed suicide like that. Did you tell your bishop about this part of the 'therapy'? (Not that he'd care.) I'm sorry you were abused by this psycho and his clerical accomplices.

bunny