discipline and delayed gratification

[axa]

How does one learn discipline?  This is something most adults learn as kids from their parents modelling.  In some ways it seems like a stupid question but trust me it is real.  It also seems linked to commitment and delayed gratification.  I am very poor at delayed gratification.  I want it all NOW.  If I do not take what is availalbe now I do not trust it will be there later.  This behaviour is played out in relationship with Ns.  They offer EVERYTHING initally, it is as if at last the dream has come true.  By measuring and pacing the relationship so much will be revealed instead of jumping headlong into a "false intimacy".  It is about the baby steps, right back there again.

axa

[Ann2]

Hi,

Just popping in here.

Been reading about the trouble you're having writing your paper and I'm sorry to hear it.

Here's how I deal with delayed gratification:  Think about the anxiety you have because you are delaying, procrastinating about finishing your paper.  Then realize that you can eliminate that anxiety if you write and finish the paper.  So, wrintin and finishing the paper will eliminate the anxiety.  So, just outline and start to write.

Another thing that may be dogging you is perfectionism.  I've found I procrastinate because I want the end product to be perfect.  So, try to let go of perfectionism and just do the act (which is writing the paper) and finish it.  It does not have to be perfect.  You do not have to be perfect.

Reminds me of cleaning my house or doing laundry:  I feel anxious (which causes me to feel immobilized) when I think about cleaning the dirty kitchen or doing laundry.  So, I just start cleaning or doing the wash and in 2-4  hours, it's all done and then I feel good, feel I accomplished a goal.

hope that helps.

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi axa

I learned discipline at the end of Dad's razor strap. I've been disciplined all my life, and still am out of habit, "to not have to fear and endure the strap" whatever that punishment might be in later years. Discipline has done well by me in many ways, work, puncuality, lack of procrastination, spending, saving, driving, patience, cleaning, taking out garbage----

It is not a stupid question. I can see how being undisciplined could wreak havoc in a life.

Good Luck---and I thought we were more alike????
Izzy

[Leah]

Miss Izzy Poppins,          (my sense of humor only)

My discipline comes from my parents also, and, in addition, the very strict school attended.

However, procrastination, from a feeling of lethargy, and/or fatigue, is my issue, sometimes.

Love, Leah

[Izzy_*now*]

Leah:  Miss Izzy Poppins,           (my sense of humor only)

You're a riot, Alice

Did you not read the thread where I mentioned I cannot carry an umbrella?... as both hands are already busy     

Love
Izzy

[Leah]

Leah:  Miss Izzy Poppins,           (my sense of humor only)

You're a riot, Alice

Did you not read the thread where I mentioned I cannot carry an umbrella?... as both hands are already busy     

Love
Izzy

Well now, Miss Izzy Poppins,

Please, do not be coy, as we know that your umbrella has a birdy at the top, which can fly!   Aside from which, after all, you are Miss Izzy Poppins.   

Oh, I don't take sugar thank you.

Love, Leah

PS >>  Guess who sat and watched the movie on TV at Christmas ?   

PPS  ....... any news on when you are likely to receive your Friedman DVD Izzy ???

[Hermes]

Yes, indeed.  Discipline with justice, discipline without repression.  Discipline is good, repression is not.

My parents were not overly strict, but there was discipline, and proper rules imposed.  I was fortunate to have a lucky, happy childhood, and good parents.  I miss them so terribly even still.
Another matter entirely was the convent boarding school where I was educated.  Unreasonable rules, crazy ideas, repression (they liked to call it discipline).  Talk about voicelessness!!!

I was there for five years, 13 to 17.  I spent another five years probably after getting out of there undoing any influence which might have stuck to me.  Fortunately for me, I had a pretty strong character, and was not easily trodden upon, but I am sure there were pupils at that school whose lives were adversely affected....

Best to all
Hermes

[Izzy_*now*]

Hey Leah,

No word on DVD yet. I ordered 4 and 2 were on back order. All will come at once, and will be a surprise.

We have a nice lady mail deliverer and I am never dressed when the mail comes--(nightgown and sweater)--so she brings parcels  right to my apt. door.

I was going down the street one day and saw her talking with a guy, next door, so said :Hello: and she Helloed back then I said

"This must be the first time you've seen me with clothes on!!"---the guy really gave us a look as I went on as she agrreed and went on talking.

Love
Izzy

[axa]

Ann,

Tomorrow I am packing my procrastination in my pocket and WRITING.............. Thank you.  I do just need to do it.

Appreciate your post

axa

[tayana]

Axa, I assume you mean mental discipline, rather than the physical sort.  You could try taking a martial arts class, which teaches discipline.  Or try meditation or Yoga, anything that teaches you how to focus your mind. 

Sorry, these aren't short term things, but in the long run they do help.

[Leah]

Hey Leah,

No word on DVD yet. I ordered 4 and 2 were on back order. All will come at once, and will be a surprise.

We have a nice lady mail deliverer and I am never dressed when the mail comes--(nightgown and sweater)--so she brings parcels  right to my apt. door.

I was going down the street one day and saw her talking with a guy, next door, so said :Hello: and she Helloed back then I said

"This must be the first time you've seen me with clothes on!!"---the guy really gave us a look as I went on as she agrreed and went on talking.

Love
Izzy

Oh, Izzy     

That's a classic!  I am visualizing that man's facial expression!!   

On the odd occasion, my postie has had a door open with just a hand appearing, as I am behind the door in my jammies.

He has said "are you not decent then?"

Which cracks me up 

Brilliant ~ you have 4 DVD's to look forward to ~ but, you will have square eyes ..... I'm telling ya for your own good!      

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

How does one learn discipline?  This is something most adults learn as kids from their parents modelling.  In some ways it seems like a stupid question but trust me it is real.  It also seems linked to commitment and delayed gratification.  I am very poor at delayed gratification.  I want it all NOW.  If I do not take what is availalbe now I do not trust it will be there later.  This behaviour is played out in relationship with Ns.  They offer EVERYTHING initally, it is as if at last the dream has come true.  By measuring and pacing the relationship so much will be revealed instead of jumping headlong into a "false intimacy".  It is about the baby steps, right back there again.

axa

Dear Axa,

This is a tough area for me, too. Twelve years of parochial education pounded plenty of discipline into my reflexes... and I can still call upon some of that, when necessary. Trouble is, I tend to resist finding it necessary... 

As long as I'm on the move... at work, for instance, with structure and deadlines, I'm fine; but left to my own resources, I find it very difficult to battle procrastination. Years of trying to eradicate perfectionism and obsessivce compulsions in my own habit has left me with an innacurate measuring stick as far as what's "enough"... I guess because for so many years, the answer was - nothing. Nothing was ever, ever enough.

Best wishes on your writing project... that's one of the areas where I hit a wall - again, because it's a solitary activity.
If I find any helpful info in my research, will sure pass it on here!

Love,
Carolyn

[axa]

Tay,

I meditate and have taken up yoga and hope this will help me be more focused.  I know I have improved a lot and part of this is a pattern for me.  When I stop my self care I also drop discipline.  They seem to go hand in hand for me.  Full of resolve for tomorrow.  Thank you for your responses.


Carolyn,

Interesting, I have no problem with discipline when it involves others................well, here I go again, they must be more important than me!!!  All the help I have got here has just spurred me on to get back on track.  THANKS SO MUCH

axa

[lighter]

axa... when I first practiced discipline.... I was living on my own and had nothing around me to take my focus off of myself.

I had terrible anxiety about being on my own and it seemed natural to buckle down, make a plan and take control of everything I could reasonably control.
I realize.... that's been a position of strength for me..... and a place I've been blindsided from twice.

Maybe it's hubris..... pride that I can handle anthing?

When I'm functioning at my best, putting self care first....... those are the times I've been most vulnerable. 

And I knew better.

I really knew better the second time.

Any way..... I wasn't taught discipline...... I turned to it bc the pain of not having discipline was too rough on me. 

Baby steps and common sense.

[Certain Hope]

Carolyn,

Interesting, I have no problem with discipline when it involves others................well, here I go again, they must be more important than me!!!  All the help I have got here has just spurred me on to get back on track.  THANKS SO MUCH

axa

Yikes... I think you've said a mouthful there, Axa.

It feels very unnatural to me, but I have finally disciplined myself at least about finishing up my dental care. Used to be that I placed myself at the end of the line within my own family, where matters like that were concerned. Usually, that meant that it was never my turn...    This time, I've rearranged priorities a bit and arranged to complete my own needed treatments in lieu of some other family luxuries! That was a tough one... because it was always so important to me to not be like my mother, who'd buy herself the most top-notch, highest priced medical care/eyeglasses/whatever while shuffling my dad off to 3rd rate care in all regards, from lack of dentist visits to horribly scratched eyeglasses to 3'rd rate medical... it was awful. And I know that it was up to him to put his foot down and not tolerate it... but I guess he's always felt like it was the humble thing to do  just to sit back and take it.

Carolyn