Or you just cannot stand certain people?

[Overcomer]

Izzy-Lup started this thread because I asked Lighter why she thought it was common sense that she leave.  Then I asked her a few questions and the last one was Or is it that you just cannot stand certain people?  I knew she had had some run ins with some.  There were some coincidences that happened regarding the timing of her leaving and I was interested in the reasons why she left-she have me no reasons so I am still wondering.  I hope her reasoning was that she was spending too much time here.

[Lupita]

                       )))))))))))))))))))))    OC    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((


It was just a misunderstanding. We were talking about running away all the time, remember?

I run away everytime i feel scared, instead of dominating the fears and deal with the people. I have never been able to comfront my abuser. Never. When ever I feel abused I run away.

Thank you OC. You are wonderful.

[Lupita]

Thank you, Shunned, I appreciate your ideas.
No doubt I have to work a lot.

[Iphi]

Dear Lupita - thank you for addressing this issue:

Lupita wrote:

run away everytime i feel scared, instead of dominating the fears and deal with the people. I have never been able to comfront my abuser. Never. When ever I feel abused I run away.

I run away too. I retreat from difficult conversations and situations.  This has made me a bad friend, or at least, a severely limited friend and I have so, so much shame about that.   

In addition to actually retreating, I also often experience freezing and being unable to act.  It reminds me of when a horse is said to 'refuse a jump.' 

In the past I have said to myself that I 'refused to jump' because I am not good enough or smart enough or an unworthy person in some way or another, but now I come to realize that none of this is true.  I refuse the jump because of great fear and it doesn't mean any of the rest of it.  All those things I told myself, and still tell myself, are scary stories and sad horrible fairy tales - lies.

At least I can say that since setting out to learn about N-ism and the roots of my anxiety and perfectionism and tremendous fear of failure - I have come to understand more about my puzzling and distressing personal limitations and challenges.  So that must be progress of a kind, right?

I think you are expressing the highest motives and standards in the way your are mothering your son Lupita.  Ever since becoming a parent this past year all of these thoughts are on my mind.  How can I spare passing him my weaknesses, and support his ability to connect with other people?  How will I be able to be supportive if he brings home girlfriends I can't respect.  He's not even 1 year old yet and already there is so much pressure! 

[Lupita]

I know Iphi, it is difficult. Beacuse since you leave, I leave, I never stay to pick the crops of my work. I have done it so many times. I lost an important scholarship in research because I could nor deal with my suoervisor, I lost the oportunity to work in a university because I could not dea with the person that was training me, I turned to piano, then back to medicine, then back to paino, then come to USA, then teaching, I left a very nice froup of piano students in my country, the house that I built, my mother paid me a misery for it, I have been leaving and running away, never enough to be able to have old friends, to have savings, 50 yo and no properties, no savings, nothing, and even in here, I am always tempted to leave the board every time somebody triggers me.
I have to stop.

Today my sixth period was bad, not as bad as last week, but not good, but I felt bad only for two hours, I feel well now and I am going to dance class tonight. So, I guess I am improving.

[Leah]

Dear (((( Lupita ))))

My heart truly reaches out to you.

Sincerely,

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

Over the years it is as if God has put me in situations where I have had to grow or stay the way I was-screwed up beyond belief!  My first career job I worked as a manager of a busy restaurant.  I partied too hard and my GM was an ass.  He would yell and scream and throw things and cuss.  I was young and fragile and he totally psyched me out.  When I left that job to go back to college I vowed that no one would EVER treat me that way again.  No one but my mom has.  I learned a clear mind helps!

[Overcomer]

Then I graduated from college and went and sold cars.  Stupid, I know.  Why did I do it?  The ad said, "women encouraged to apply."  So I went.  I was the only woman and had to learn to REALLY stick up for myself.  I marched right up to the owner of the place and looked him right in the eyes and told him what I thought.  I had customers flip me off.  No one really likes car salesmen.  I learned to take rejection-bold faced rejection-and not fall apart.  Another learning lesson.

I learned to say NO to telemarketers.  I learned to say no to a lot of things/  I even learned to say no to my mom.  Boy, did that take a very long time.  Trying to get yourself out of a web is a horrible business - poor flies - maybe that is why they just give up and let the spider eat them!!  But I was able to untangle myself but it took a good five to six years and it was a painful process.

And speaking of running.  My ex is a runner.  This man just does not make good choices.  He screws EVERYTHING up and then runs.  This is his pattern.  I have found that if you do not allow yourself to always default to poor choices, then you really do not have to run. 

So what does that mean for you, Lup?  Well it means that when you start a job, you assert yourself without being bossy.  You establish that you will not take sh*t from the git go.  You fake confidence until you have it.  You smile.  You do not let them see that they have gotten to you.  You fake it until you make it.

So if you leave this job and get another one........assert yourself.  Pretend you have it ALL together and act like you do.  No one will walk on you.  You will not get yourself into a situation that you cannot handle and need to run.

Anyway....I am rambling.  I don't often get use of a computer so I have to limit my tirades to 500 characters.  Now I can tell you all how I feel!!

[write]

I have been leaving and running away, never enough to be able to have old friends, to have savings, 50 yo and no properties, no savings, nothing, and even in here, I am always tempted to leave the board every time somebody triggers me.
I have to stop.

'fight or flight' is our primeval response Lupita, it's not you, it's your response to being traumatised.

Many of the homeless people I have worked with they had been so traumatised they could NOT live in a home, they quickly returned to what seemed like an unstable or dangerous life but to them it felt safer than to try and construct and rely on things and people when they had been badly hurt in the past.

The REBT stuff on http://www.rational.org.nz/public/12principles.htm really helped me with this.

I have been the same but finally settling down to building a life doing what I want to with it and growing my strength and successes.

Since I fully embraced Christianity- dropped the religion and took up the basic teachings that meant for me- it's been easier, I visualise the strength I don't have coming from G_d and the idea of loving everyone, regardless who they are what they do etc- recognising their behaviour as their frailties and humanity helps me depersonalise it and stop responding.

My earliest memory is almost pre-memory and I felt like I was being held by a fuzzy white bright light...I wonder sometimes if that was G_d, and I felt so safe and loved. I can still feel the feeling and although I really wasn't loved by anyone until I was much older I think it prevented my childhood being so damaging. I remember looking at the clouds reflected into a puddle after rain and thinking 'I want to go home', I was about five. And getting this huge sense of reassurance that I am home inside myself.

Trauma takes time and self-nurturing to overcome I believe.

I learned a clear mind helps!

agree O/c after trauma it is easy for every incident of shouting or unreasonable behaviour to send us into a tailspin of emotion. I practice 'stop' and bring things to a complete standstill if possible now, it's surprising how many abusive people catch on too once you shine the light of day on what is happening in the situation and they can't take advantage of your panic or lack of clarity!

You fake it until you make it.

absolutely! It starts with believing in yourself- 'I'm not perfect but I'm okay'.

I vowed that no one would EVER treat me that way again.  No one but my mom has

I dropped my mother from my life but then always had a substitute in my life until now.

I still miss her though, strangely.

[Hermes]

Write said:

"You fake it until you make it.

absolutely! It starts with believing in yourself- 'I'm not perfect but I'm okay'."

That is such a truth, Write. 

Best wishes
Hermes

[Iphi]

write

Your above post was very soothing and helpful to read.  I especially appreciate your point that flight or fight is a fundamental, natural response.  That is huge for me to consider, because I routinely lambaste myself for flight and for fight - either choice. lol!  And yet either choice is - hey - only human.

write wrote:

My earliest memory is almost pre-memory and I felt like I was being held by a fuzzy white bright light...I wonder sometimes if that was G_d, and I felt so safe and loved. I can still feel the feeling and although I really wasn't loved by anyone until I was much older I think it prevented my childhood being so damaging. I remember looking at the clouds reflected into a puddle after rain and thinking 'I want to go home', I was about five. And getting this huge sense of reassurance that I am home inside myself.

Trauma takes time and self-nurturing to overcome I believe.

I have a similar first memory!  Usually I don't share it, but inwardly I have relied on it often and believe the same as you - that it prevented my childhood from being as damaging as it would have been otherwise.  Also, because of that memory - I do know the feeling of being completely loved. It was my own lack of wisdom that I did not 'visit' that feeling as much as I could have - still don't.  Really I should live in that feeling.  I didn't have a sense of being home inside myself, but I have very often felt that death is something to look forward to wholeheartedly, strange as it may seem to us all here on Earth.  I definitely think Earth is the hard part and is for learning.  But that's just my beliefs.

write wrote more:

agree O/c after trauma it is easy for every incident of shouting or unreasonable behaviour to send us into a tailspin of emotion. I practice 'stop' and bring things to a complete standstill if possible now, it's surprising how many abusive people catch on too once you shine the light of day on what is happening in the situation and they can't take advantage of your panic or lack of clarity!

How do you practice 'stop?'   I would like to know more.

[Certain Hope]

How are you managing, Lupita? Still holding your own ground?

Doing okay here, although I am feeling like it should be Friday, but alas...  lol... 
still standing, though. At times I do think that some folks just seem to be born to test one's patience.
My own "Miss Gotcha" at work is still up to her silly games... funny thing is, she is the one making the glaring errors - and finding that no one (least of all me!!) is rubbing her nose in her mistakes. I'm hoping she'll learn by example... but not holding my breath in anticipation of any dramatic changes.

Not running!

Carolyn

[Lupita]

Hi OC, hi CH, I am very tired. Too many hours working. Piano job, piano lessons, full time high school, too much. Today my day started at 4:30 AM, had to be at school and 6:30 for a praying session.

Just got home, very tired.

I guess that Hermes answered to write and write answere to OC so I dont think I have anything to add.

Dont have any energy.

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((Lupita))))))))))  understood. A couple cups of coffee didn't do much to invigorate me, but has kept me in an upright position thus far. I hope you'll have a relaxing evening and a wonderful, restful sleep tonight.

Carolyn

[Lupita]

Thank you CH, do not give power to that lady at work. (Look who is talking) I know, but I can tell you, I cannot so it, easy to teel you.

According to CB123, the one that wins the power game is the one who does not play it.

I dont play it, I run away and let them win. For example I should invite my son's GF so I can make friends with her, but guess what. it is scaring, and dont have the energy. GFM can do it because she does not work. I cant. i work too much.

Well, good night and God bless you all.