Author Topic: Grappling with unfairness  (Read 1131 times)

Hermes

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Grappling with unfairness
« on: January 19, 2008, 02:01:31 PM »

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20031126-000001.html

""If your anger is deficiency-motivated, driven by a wish to rectify a wrong you believe done to you, work on acceptance. Give up your obsession about the wrong. See that the opposite of anger is not passivity but more functional assertiveness.
Uproot mistaken beliefs that underlie your response. Very often anger is the result of beliefs that lead you to place unreasonable demands on circumstances, such as, that life must be fair. Unfairness exists. The belief that you are entitled to fairness results from the mistaken idea that you are special. If you feel that you are special, you will certainly find lots to be angry about, because the universe is indifferent to us.
Insisting that life must be fair is not only irrational, it will cause you to collect injustices done to your noble self. Even if you are experiencing nothing more than your fair share of unfairness, such a belief can still fuel rage and lead to depression.

Those who hold the deep belief that life should always be fair cannot abide when it is unfair. That leads directly to rage that is totally inert, because they believe there is nothing that they can do about the unfairness. They feel helpless and hopeless—in other words, depressed. Self-pity is another description of the same phenomenon.

If your anger is deficiency-motivated, driven by a wish to rectify a wrong you believe done to you, work on acceptance. Give up your obsession about the wrong. See that the opposite of anger is not passivity but more functional assertiveness.
Uproot mistaken beliefs that underlie your response. Very often anger is the result of beliefs that lead you to place unreasonable demands on circumstances, such as, that life must be fair. Unfairness exists. The belief that you are entitled to fairness results from the mistaken idea that you are special. If you feel that you are special, you will certainly find lots to be angry about, because the universe is indifferent to us.
Insisting that life must be fair is not only irrational, it will cause you to collect injustices done to your noble self. Even if you are experiencing nothing more than your fair share of unfairness, such a belief can still fuel rage and lead to depression.

Those who hold the deep belief that life should always be fair cannot abide when it is unfair. That leads directly to rage that is totally inert, because they believe there is nothing that they can do about the unfairness. They feel helpless and hopeless—in other words, depressed. Self-pity is another description of the same phenomenon.""




axa

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Re: Grappling with unfairness
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2008, 05:23:58 AM »
Hermes,

I found this very interesting.  I do grapple with unfairness which propels me into self pity and blaming. This is very young thinking.  In my head I know that it is a form of self sabotage and sometimes do not possess the maturity to move past it.  I nurse it like a little baby with only myself suffering the consequences.

When I left XN I was so determined NOT to go into self pity mode and move on with my life.  I have succeeded in this in many ways but slip back regularily.  I guess the secret is awareness.  Breaking old patterns is so difficult but will continue to struggle. 

Thanks

axa

Lupita

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Re: Grappling with unfairness
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2008, 07:56:32 AM »
I read something very similar in Albert Elis book, how to stubbornly refuse to be miserable. Loved it.

To avoif the must statements. The must-turbatory causes a lot of must-turbation. Very enlightning book. I recomend it to all.

Also in the book Nasty people. Get away from manipulators.