I Want To Be Happy

[Violet]

Dear New Friends,
Help, I simply want to be happy today.  Lately, I am feeling like I am undergoing a personality change since learning about NPD.  I am having a hard time making decisions, even in small things.  I am feeling really sad A LOT and really angry.  The bit about identifying my father as a "villain" instead of a true support for me is just devastating to me.  I feel dirty and disloyal to him.  I am having a real hard time dealing with my strong, volatile emotions.  I basically just want it all to stop.  I was thinking of taking a break from all the reading and learning I am doing for a while. Is that a good decision?   I do not think I really want to bail out, but I just want to be happy today.  I even googled "happiness" this morning and started reading random stuff about how to be happy.  I wonder if I can just walk away from my past without "working on it" if you know what I mean.  I do not want to stuff things or deny them, just wonder if I can find some balance in my life while dealing with some of this hard stuff.  I want to find out how to pace myself, like find a good self-help workbook, work on it everyday a bit, put it away and move on with having some happiness. 

I am going to see grandchildren in a couple of days for a 3 week visit out of state and need to get out of the sadness and confusion; I am having a hard time thinking clearly.  Any thoughts?  Do any of you struggle with the same ambivalence?  Thank you for listening....
Violet

[Hermes]

Dear Violet:

Yes, and yes again, about wanting to be happy today.  Good for you. 
Of course you feel sorrow and anger.  Who wouldn"t.  All of this has suddenly washed over you, like a giant, and not particularly pleasant, wave. 

And yes, one does struggle with ambivalence, Violet, because the shadowy world of abuse, unkindness, and past hurt is rather like a marsh, with quicksands, and worse still, the odd flash of bog-fire, just to put you off your stroke.

I do hope you have a lovely three week trip, during which I also hope you have time to read something entertaining and upbeat.

All the best
Hermes

[Leah]

Dear Violet,

What I have learned, and am increasingly aware of, is that there is a real need for a healthy balance in life, and more so, in working through all this stuff.  At one stage, at first, I did not have a healthy balance, and it led me on a downward spiral of doom and gloom, all NPD and nowt else.

So, I shook that off, dusted myself down, and went forward, with a then, reasonably healthy balance, i.e. with other activities, outdoor pursuits, even if it was just tidying up outside, or a gentle walk.

What I realize now is that during the initial stage, with the shock of finding out the real truth of the NPD person(s) in our life, what happens is that we face a complete change of family dynamics, to deal with, before, we even begin to commence on a personal healing journey.

Almost like, an eraser is wiped across our indentity, the identity we lived in, and were 'comfortable' in knowing, because, that is all that we knew.

Hope I am making sense, if not, please ask, hopefully, I will be able to explain what I am rambling about!!

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Dear Violet,

Going to see grandchildren in a couple of days for a 3 week visit out of state, sounds wonderful.

And a much needed break from reading up on NPD stuff is most likely what you need.  Instead, focusing on how you are going to enjoy your time with your dear grandchildren sounds like a happy option.

What sort of things will you be able to enjoy doing with your grandchildren?

Hoping you have a really happy time with your dear ones.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Dear Violet,
 You believe in the Bible,as I do. It gives a promise for healing----You shall know the truth and the TRUTH will make you free. The truth does it--not "you". All you have to do is keep seeking truth . You will heal, over time, but it can't be rushed(IMO).
It is like cooking. There is a certain time that things need to be in the oven. It is not good or bad. It just is.
  As you share on the board, you will start facing your own deep truths and the truths of how your life was.You will heal, as you come out of denial. When we face truth, we are well. When we don't ,we are sick(IMO)
  You are doing so well, as a new board member. I am so happy you are here, Violet. I look forward to growing with you and being your friend.     Love   Ami

((((((((Violet))))))))

[Violet]

Dear Hermes, Leah, and Ami,

Thank you all for helping me get my feet back under me and for helping me confront the fact that the basic, core issue I am having right now is FEAR.   

God bless you all for just being here....   I have nothing wise or profound to add, just a humble "Thank you."  Violet

[Certain Hope]

Dear Violet,

Maintaining a healthy balance has been my biggest struggle. If I didn't still have two children in the home, I'm afraid that I might have disappeared into myself... and still, such a meltdown threatens, at times.

Being away from home for several weeks, particularly enjoying your family/ grandchildren... I think that's the most health-ful, wonderful, and inspiring step you could take, next to staying in the Word, daily.  Violet, I recommend absolutely saturating yourself in the Word (and I don't mean just the written text, but in Jesus, the living Word). Audio Bible teaching messages have kept me moving through some desperate times here, as well as interacting with His creation - my pets and nature, although it's a bit chilly right now for that last one 

(((((Violet))))) Don't worry. Greater is He who is in you... always. This stuff is awful, but it is not a bottomless pit. The Lord will walk at your side through these waters, ever faithful.

With love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Dear Hermes, Leah, and Ami,

Thank you all for helping me get my feet back under me and for helping me confront the fact that the basic, core issue I am having right now is FEAR.   

God bless you all for just being here....   I have nothing wise or profound to add, just a humble "Thank you."  Violet

God Bless you too, Violet,

I recall that initial shock being followed by a fear of the unknown aspect, then walking through.

"Perfect love casts out fear"  His love, is greatest of all.

Love, Leah