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What bait does your N use?

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gardener:
Flower      :o  :) Please keep a notebook of all of the bag of tricks and write it out.. It's almost like a  Children's tale already, (the ones meant to chill). You have such a clever way of putting things into word-pictures.  Do you ever write anything for publication? This could be a good start. Develop it!

les:
Thanks for your comments Flower - sometimes I think I've extracted myself from this sticky soup, this sick relationship and for the most part I think I have...I've learned to stand my ground and take care of my sanity. Strange how doing that is so natural for some people and not even in the picture for others. Oh, you need my soul? -sure no problem, just a sec and I'll extract it for you.  I feel like I was "spare parts" for my mother.

It feels selfish of me to go on about all this - I think I should have figured it out by now but since this is a forum to get it out and bare/bear witness to others struggling to do the same..I will push on.

Flower - you raised the question of what you would "owe" someone who felt "love" awaken because of you. God, what a murky swamp it is.  I finally really get that it isn't/wasn/t love at all - it's some twisted, distorted emmeshment thing that I still can't fully grasp.  I believe that my mother (big yuck approaching) 'fell in love' with me. Her jealousy over the years has been over the top. Her vendictiveness -just like a raging rejected lover. (MM if you read this and I have been over this before, please excuse my repetitive self - I do seem to be going round and round in circles!) There must be a book that deals with N mothers and these other twisted elements. Anybody know which one might deal with mothers consuming their children and calling it love?

Singer - yes, I'm not surprised that your relationships with your brother and sister are the way they are. Mine as well. That big "borg" mother Flower referred to needed everything to flow through her.

Ah me,  there is a way out I'm sure but so many tunnels to crawl through today. Merci

Les

mighty mouse:
My dearest Les,

(MM if you read this and I have been over this before, please excuse my repetitive self - I do seem to be going round and round in circles!)  

No need to excuse you my sweet!! Why do you suppose you need excusing? I find your posts very heartfelt and have never thought you go round and round.

What's it like in the belly of the beauty queen whale? I think we have all felt swallowed to certain degrees by Nparents.

BTW my NMom contacted me by email today. I wonder if I should respond or not? I guess if I do, it will be short. But then she says my short replies "hurt" her. So maybe no reply. In any case I'm not  feeling much about it....no gnashing of the teeth so to speak. It's just information which I have to make a decision about.

MM

Singer:

--- Quote from: les ---.

It feels selfish of me to go on about all this - I think I should have figured it out by now but since this is a forum to get it out and bare/bear witness to others struggling to do the same..I will push on.
--- End quote ---


I hope you do. It would be ironic if on a forum for voicelessness one would be faulted for expressing their thoughts. Although I know what you mean. Sometimes I think, "Oh Lord, there I go again!" and cringe inside when I see my name on a post.


--- Quote ---

God, what a murky swamp it is.  I finally really get that it isn't/wasn/t love at all - it's some twisted, distorted emmeshment thing that I still can't fully grasp...

... sometimes I think I've extracted myself from this sticky soup, this sick relationship and for the most part I think I have...I've learned to stand my ground and take care of my sanity. Strange how doing that is so natural for some people and not even in the picture for others. Oh, you need my soul? -sure no problem, just a sec and I'll extract it for you.  I feel like I was "spare parts" for my mother


--- End quote ---


Reading this made me feel almost ill. It describes so well how I've felt so many times, except I didn't realize what it was. Like nothing belonged to me, neither body nor soul. Makes me sick.

Given that, it might sound funny but thanks for putting it into words.

Singer

les:
...well pushing right along then!...thanks for the affirmation and support everyone.  Hi MM! good to hear from you as well. As one of my first contacts I always feel a little more grounded when I see you've been around!

I am reading "Loving What Is" at the moment.  There is much to learn here and even the title is helpful, I repeat it like a mantra. I won't try to describe the process here but reading the book at the very least has made me wonder how much I HANG ON to my angry feelings and to what extent I can let them go. I guess none of us wants to shlep this big load of anger and hurt around forever... but I think someone mentioned that identifying, validating and venting it all has to come before there is any chance of truly releasing it.  

I guess forgiveness and reconciliation are on my "TO DO" list because I have to see my mother at least once a week.  So understanding all the N stuff  allows me to breathe and stay grounded.  I can see that she was a victim and I am tired of being her victim. So I am trying to find it in me to be a little understanding, a little compassionate.  Ok, big moment of honesty. I LIKE my anger. I like knowing that i was WRONGED.  It gives me a sense that I am actually a person and actually alive and separate from her with my own feelings and thoughts.  It is so much healthier than comatose girl, mute woman. But it isn't the end or at least it doesn't HAVE to be the end ... I believe it might be possible to push beyond this - I think of the Truth and Reconciliation hearings in South Africa. But then I think well, both sides had to try to speak the truth and own their part in it all.

So as I write this I am thinkng about the e-mail MM. Is there a small window of opportunity to move even a step or two in well....a different direction?...can't say I am advocating it because I know we are all at different stages in this journey. Ok out on a limb here. What do you think would happen if you wrote your mom a newsy e-mail? Does it feel like you will just providing her with more target practise.  Don't mind me - a little projection going on here. I have to call my mother today and I really don't want to! I guess Bunny always says it succinctly. Do what is right for you.  Does any part of you want more contact with Mother?  

Flower, Singer sorry for the nausea inducing descriptions! But damn it's good to call a spade a spade -eh?

As far as seeing your names on the board, Flower, Singer and all- Lets all allow ourselves this one indulgence - to express ourselves when we need to. I guess there is an infinite supply of space out here, you aren't taking anyone else's place, and only those who want to read will. Hey maybe I'll get cracking and be bold enough to put up a new post!!

Les

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