the comfort of a teddy bear

[Bella_French]

I love the way he supported you, Hermes. Its so important to have that kind of encouragement from your father. I am so sorry to ehar that he's gone now. Are your parents both Irish? I love Irish people:)

X bella

[Hermes]

Me again Bella.

I think those days are long gone.  Both husband and wife now have to work (well that is how it is here), in order to keep the domestic finances going. Absolutely every couple I know, they are both working.  There are very few women in this country who stay at home - they cannot afford to, aside from the fact that they like working outside the home.  One of my friends is a surgeon, and she travels a lot too because of her job.  Yes, she is wealthy, (and very beautiful, so she has the brains and the beauty!) but at the same time she does find time for her kids. 

I think men like independent women, not because they think the independent woman will "keep" them, but it is more attractive than the "needy" type.  Being independent, financially and psychologically does not mean one does not have space, lots of space, for the man in one's life. 
I know I simply could not stay at home (I know, of course, I do not have children), but it would be beyond my comprehension.  It is how I was brought up.  Aside from that I loathe housework, I can cook, quite well in fact, but I like to do that when I want to.  I would definitely be very different to your sister LOL.

All the best
Hermes

[Certain Hope]

hi all,

When she was little, I gave my daughter a teddy bear, likely Xmas, and he became her cuddly friend--amazing since she never bothered or played with any of the other stuffed animals--he was always with her, at least when she went to bed and this lasted through to about age 13-14. It made me so happy that he was with her and that I had contributed to her comfort with him.

She played with trucks.

Then one day she traded him for another girl's favourite stuffed animal and I was cut to the core. The traded one was a grey dog in Scottish plaid and she never bothered with him. I have no idea what she had expected, and I even remember asking her if she really wanted to trade "Teddy" to this friend.

That still makes me sad.

Oh (((((((((Izzy)))))))))  that makes me sad, too. First thing I thought was... sounds like a girl fighting to grow up and give up childhood things. Maybe I'm too mooshy, but I can't help but feel that she surely regretted that exchange.


And Hermes... turning an ex-N bear face down... heh... sounds like something I would do! I call that cheap therapy!!

Carolyn

[Leah]

 ((((((( Izzy )))))) and (((( Teddy Bear )))))


Been thinking about my teddy bear, with his missing musical box, his little heart.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Hermes, i find your thoughts very validating and I really appreciate them. Honestly, i feel like the family loser a lot of the time. Everything I have, I have earned myself or created myself. And I am light-years behind my sisters in terms of stability and wealth. I may never own a home, judging by housing prices these days. My sisters own many. Some were given to them by our parents, but the rest were given to them by men who had money.

I sometimes feel that my independence was forced upon me, because I was not beautiful or `marriage-worthy'. But I do value it, too. I would feel so strange being financially indebited to someone else, such as a man on permanent basis, when i am perfetly capable of pulling my weight.

Your posts are kind of snapping me out of this negative way of thinking, so thankyou Hermes.

X bella

   

[Hermes]

Bella:

You are welcome, m'dear.

I could not bear to be financially dependent on any man.  It is just alien to my thinking. Like you, I am perfectly capable of pulling my weight.   

I have married friends, and to a woman they have independence from their husbands (and this goes for all kinds of age groups).  Some have bank accounts on their own, of which their husbands are not aware, or which their husbands feel is a normal thing to have; some own a bit of property of their own; this is considered quite normal, indeed laudable, over here. 
Then again there ARE those women out on the "hunt" for a rich man (makes no difference what he is like as a person).   Some women marry an old geezer, with lots of cash, but not a lot else.  I know I could not do it.


I would hate to be beholden to a man.  Ex-NH did his best to make me "beholden"  It didn't work LOL.

Hugs
Hermes

[Leah]

Hi Lupita,

When little monkeys lose their mothers, scientists have prove that they can be given s stuffed animal and this would accomplish the emotional representation of a mother. The little monkey develops attachment to the stuffed animal. Having the presence of that piece of material give security to the baby monkey. That means, it is a very primitive feeling, not rational of course.

I'm wondering if loss (as in your quote above) could be the culprit or the cause of those clilnging, negative behaviors?  Just a thought...

tt

'Separation and Loss' is an issue of some importance, with regard to children, young people. 

Leah

[Hermes]

Yes, Bella.  Both my parents were Irish.  I was born in Ireland (Dublin), brought up in Ireland.  My father did not marry until he was 40.  He travelled a lot - nearly every country in the world - before he married.  He had a very open mind, unusual vision, had seen a lot, was a very interesting person to talk to.  I wish he could have lived forever. 

And you?  Many Australians have Irish ancestry, that I know.  I hear your country is beautiful, and now very popular for holidays with the Irish!  Ireland has become a wealthy country, and our citizens seem to never stop travelling these days!

All the best
Hermes

[Lupita]

Well, I have been out all day, working all day, first the high school then piano lessons after school, the driving for an hour, finally I am at home and see that many people have responded. Up since 5:00 AM. Well, thank you for your responses.

I was refering not to abusive husbands, that is a different pathology.

I was referring to husbands who do not serve for anything, not exactly abusive, but husbands who do not give love, do not give money, do not give sex, do not give support, do not help at home, but women keep them just for the sake of having a "man" in the house, because there are some women that feel comfort in knowing that there is a person of the masculine gender in the house. Just like the teddy bear, the teddy bear represents something, and the presence of a masculine hiuman, represents something.

Many women just enjoy saying "my husband here or my husband there....bla bla..." Just to give the impression to the outside that they have a husband because that makes them feel more comfortable.

They do not even do anything together, never go out, not even like a room mate because a room mate shares expenses.

On top, they tell you, my husband does not help me, boo boo, my husband here and there.

Many women feel not worth it if there is no man in the house. They have to have a man at all costs, and if the man is not doing anything, they do not care, as long as he is there, just there, occupying a space in the house.

I dont know if people undersatnd me, I have seen many of those, not exactly abusing, but just the need of having a man to appear, to say that they have one.

And when they complain, if you ask them why they do not leave them, they either change the subject or deny it, or tell you that he is good, but they just refuse to be with out a man.

I remember a mother of a friend, telling my friend, just marry him, it does not matter if he is bad, just to be able to say that you got married. And my friend did.

This depends in what parents base self esteem in their daughters. Many parents who dispise daughters and spoil sons, create many of this kind of pathologies. And macho fathers and mothers who think that their daughters have to get married at all costs. There are different reasons.

I have to confess that I have something similar, but it is not with men, it is with my son. He sometimes, brings his things and he says that he is going to spend some days with me, and the presence of his piano, his books, his laptop, knowing that sooner or later he will come home, it gives me comfort. But, he is not really here. He leaves the apartment everyday, sometimes does not even spend the night here, I do not even see him, but I see his car in the parking lot, I see his things, and I have comfort, thinking that he is "spending " vacation in my house.

So, it is something similar. I ahve seen him in many friends and relatives. Here in USA and in other countries too.

[Lupita]

I just remember something similar. When I was teaching middle school, wich I realle loved, much more than high school, I remember that students used to say, "I am dating such and such...bla bla bla..."
The truth, they are 12, 13, and 14 yo. Cant drive, mother takes them to movies and pick them up, or take them to the mall and stay there and watch them, I saw it. And they hardly talk to each other, they just say hello, and the just saying hello, they say the next day, I saw my boyfriend last night. If they go to the movies, they do not even sit together, but they say they went to the movies together. And she says, "he is my boyfriend".

That is the kind of relationship, that is the level of communication, that is the level of a relationship, I am talking about. A fantasy.

And I have seen so many, so many. I know people who live like that and they lived like that many many years or marriage.

[Hermes]

Hello Lupita!

How are you?

I realised that you were indeed talking about those women who need to have "a man" (a husband, as the case may be) on the scene, at all costs, rather like a piece of furniture that is neither useful nor decorative, but it is still part of the surroundings LOL.  You are right.  These are not necessarily abusive husbands, by any means.  The couple might as well be perfect strangers to each other, and in a way they are.  It is quite extraordinary the number of marriages which are just as you describe, and it is very sad.  A question of appearances, as you say.

These women nag and complain about the husband, but have not the remotest intention of leaving him.  A kind of strange status quo. 

All the best
Hermes

[Lupita]

Hey!!!!!!!!  Hermes, thank you for the validation.

I have been so busy with a couple of kids that extremely rude and disrespectful.

So, I have been occupied trying to thicken my skin, so their attacks do not hurt, since i I love my students and it hurts when they hate me just because I put them to work.

Any way, Hermes, you are very good at making feel a person well.

Anyway, I hope that some women understand this, so they do not fall in the trapof  putting up with a man just "because".

I stopped doing that a long time ago. Many many years ago. Now I need to do it with bosses and jobs, and students and all in general.

So, fake it till make it.

Prefereda alone rgather than in bad company.

[Hermes]

Absolutely, Lupita.  You have lots of courage and attitude LOL.  You will make it, all right. 
There is a lot to what you say, particularly your last sentence about being better off alone.  It is a good saying that:
Mejor sola que mal acompaņada!!!

All the best
Hermes

[Lupita]

Unfortunately, many women think the opposite and prefer to have just about any man, drunk, addicts, Ns, lazy, just so they are not alone. And I know many of them. They need to rely on sombody else becasue they are uncapable to rely on their selves. Too sad.

We need to have a strong interior force. From inside our selves. That when we look at the mirror we do not feel pitty.

To feel well, to exercise, to keep our selves in good shape, to have sun, eat healthy food. And then one good feeling would bring another good feeling.

Well, I have to be in chapel for prayer session at six am, so have to get up at 4:30 AM and live my house at 5:00 AM. So, god bless you all and have a good night.

[Gaining Strength]

Here's a different kind of teddy bear which brings comfort.  I made a new friend who has one of these.  We meet for puppy play dates.

http://www.dirtypawsteddybears.com/