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[Ellie]

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[Michelle]

Hi Ellie -

I too have a hard time expressing my feelings for the same reason as you.  My family NEVER let me share my feelings.  Any sort of emotion was being a "bad girl".  I think no matter how hard you try, there is always that "inner voice" (my Nmother in my case) telling you that inside anytime you feel something.  It is a constant effort for me to speak louder to myself inside than her voice.  I find with time it gets easier but I'm not sure if the voice will ever go away completely, maybe just minimize to a whisper.  

I was looking for some outlets to my anger a few weeks ago during a very hard time personally.  I came across a great link that tells some wonderful ideas about expressing anger in a healthy way.

http://www.coping.org/anger/workout.htm#steps

Scroll down to "healthy anger work out".  

A few of the things that I enjoy doing when I'm mad are:
water balloons (actually I got my entire family in on this one a few times - my 3 year old loved it, surprisingly do did my husband)
writing letters (NOT sending them but truly writing what I feel)
poetry (again, just writing what I feel at that moment)
hitting the bed or pillows with the big foam bat (I usually go from raging mad to laughing by the end)

Who cares if you make a fool of yourself?  I have found I get my anger out the best when I act like a complete fool and totally "lose" it (without harming others of course).  Another idea my therapist had was to go somewhere private and scream as loud as possible.  I would love to do this one but don't know of a place that private.  I also would love to get some cheap glasses or old bottles and just shatter them, but with little ones around I'm afraid of the shards.  

These work for me, you will just have to find out what works for you.  I have found it very healing to do things that I enjoyed as a child to help me heal in other areas.  Examples:  Playing paperdolls with my daughter, reading my favorite children's books when the kids are asleep, coloring,  etc.  

I remember a while back someone posted a link to an article about "healthy vs unhealthy anger".  Don't have time to look it up now but maybe that will spark someone's memory to post it here.

Big hugs for healing -

Michelle

[Portia as guest]

Hiya Ellie, just to answer Michelle, this is the link for 'good' and 'bad' types of anger. Very useful.
http://www.mtoomey.com/violating_liberating.html

But Ellie, you said:

One time while having an arguement with DH, just before starting therapy I let myself scream back at him when he really pushed my buttons, but the response I got was, "You should see yourself, you should look at the person I see in a mirror, you would be totally ashamed of yourself". I know he said this because I have never let myself really show anger. This was a complete surprise to him. Plus he tells me I cry too much

 Please, please can I say, I don't like your DH shaming your anger like that. That might make you hold it in even more. Not helpful. And please may I ask, how much crying is too much crying? Crying is good for you, releases all sorts of calming and healing chemicals into your brain. Just my thoughts Ellie, best wishes to you. P not logged in

[Michelle]

Thanks for posting that Portia.  I read over it again and still find it more and more helpful each time I read it!  

Hugs to you too,
Michelle

[flower as guest]

How are you Ellie, I think about you and wonder how it's going...

Hi Michelle,

Michelle said,

It is a constant effort for me to speak louder to myself inside than her voice. I find with time it gets easier but I'm not sure if the voice will ever go away completely, maybe just minimize to a whisper.

This is what I'm going through now, big time. I even have dreams about her too lately, where she is soooo nice to me. Do any of you have techniques to quiet the voice of the N?  I really need some healing in this area.

[Michelle]

Hi Flower -

I am at the exact point as you on the subject of the "mother" voice inside.  I am just now getting to the point where I can actually distinguish the "bad" voice (her) from the "good" voice (me).  Bad/Good can also be seen as unhealthy/healthy I guess too.  I think the first step is to recognize it and nip it right then.  When I think an unhealthy or degrading thought, I am trying to AUTOMATICALLY follow it up with a healthier / more loving / nurturing thought.  Just today I was reading a really neat book that had an idea that I just loved in it.  I immediately thought, "Well, I could never do that though the kids keep me way too busy".  I realized at that instant that the voice was my mothers.  I can't remember HOW many times I heard her say those words to her peers or anyone that would listen.  Not to mention that she would say it to us ALL the time:  "I don't have time for anything because you keep me too busy".  I think all this ties into the whole reparenting / retraining philosophy of thought.  I feel like I am just in the beginning of this stage but already have found it to be very enlightening!  I am much more aware of my thoughts.  

Hope this helps - sorry to ramble!  

Would also love to hear any insight on your part - if not now, as you progress down this road.  

Also - good to see you back.  I missed you!

Love, Michelle

[flower]

Michelle, Thanks for the welcome back!

I'd love to share some insights
------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

------------------------------------------------------------
Liked your post on getting anger out.  
 
Luv ya!
Philippians 4:8  

[les]

Ah flower - boy I connect with what you say on various posts.

"I'm even feeling like I'm her"  I often have a sense that I need an excorsism (maybe some spelling lessons too!)

I am reading a book right now that may be of some use about letting go of thoughts that cause stress and why we hang on to the same thoughts year after stubborn year.  When I can sum it up I'll post again.

Les

[Max]

Ellie

I understand the difficulty in expressing anger.  I thought anger was always wrong.  If it sneaked out, I figured I was to blame and would give in on whatever had caused me to be angry.  I made a great doormat.  

I can't say I have solved the problem completely but I have improved.

Here is what I did.  

1 - I gave myself permission to be angry.  I had to tell myself that it was illogical that I could give others permission to be angry, but not myself.  I had to tell myself over and over, that when I am stepped on by the N or anyone else, it's ok to say ouch.  Their reaction to me (i.e. your husband putting you down for expressing anger or feelings) is irrelevant and is to be ignored.

2.  - I decided to set some fairly simple boundaries. (but a big step for me).  I conciously determined some boundaries that I was entitled to.  That way, I knew logically and clearly that it was ok to be angry when those boundaries were crossed. I didn't have to think if it was ok to be angry or not.  If someone told me that I didn't have that right- I already knew they were wrong.  Its sort of like building a fence around your yard.  If you have the fence up and your next door neighbor decides to start digging up your backyard, you know it's ok to call the police and have them arrested for trespass.  And it would be ok to be angry and idignant about it too.

3 -I made myself not apologize for being angry when the boundary was violated.  In the past, if I had shown anger, I always felt guilty and apologized.  I am a Christian, and that is part of why I thought I shouldn't get angry.  I thought I should always forgive.  Well I've learned forgiving does not require that we be stupid and allow others to continue hurting us.  We don't have to go back for the same insane treatment.  Wrong anger is what they do to us.  Raging at us because we have feelings and express them for example.

I didn't get this from a book - I just figured it out. It has helped me a lot - hope it helps you.

A book that did help me was - "Nasty People, How  to deal with them without becoming one of them" By J Carter.  I am a nice person, I think part of the fear of establishing boundaries was the fear that I would become a mean person.  One can be angry without being mean.

Max

[flower]

Les, I appreciate your posts too!

   Makes a person wonder how common it is to feel like or feel haunted by an N.
  The book sounds interesting!


Max,

   I appreciate your post on anger and boundaries.  It was helpful to get confirmation of what I have been learning and you put it very well. Our immeditate family has been learning together about healthy boundaries.