Lap Band Update

[Bella_French]

Dear Bella,
  When I read your post,it hit me that you have an opportunity to heal those deep fears and pains that make you want to have extra weight. They are there,no matter how much or how little you weigh.
  Many of us have food issues.
 Maybe, they are related to your "power".
 I am seeing that I am afraid of my strength(power). I am comfortable being weak(non threatening), but uncomfortable being strong and confident. I saw that last night, when I was at a party.
 I know that this area of power is where I need to go ,now.
  Your weight issues sound like they could be related to your ability to protect yourself and stand up for yourself. IF you are heavy, you don't need to say ,"No" to men, b/c your "weight" does it for you.
  I can relate to being afraid to own myself,even though weight was not how it manifested, specifically.
  For me, I get stomach aches instead of standing up and being "strong" and real about who I am.
  So, it is not as important HOW it manifests, as it is to own ourselves and our own power(IMO)
  Compost, as needed(LOL)   
                      Love   Ami

Dear Ami,

Thankyou for sharing your insights with me! I have never been petite, so I am not sure how I would `feel' if I were a petite woman. It makes a lot of sense to me that there could be  emotional pay-offs being petite and non-threatening. I can see that there could be wisdom and `safety' in that, if you around people who are easily threatened by symbols of `stength'. But also, we are somewhat limited by our biology too, don't you tink?. You may always be cute and  little, even if you` chose' not to be. That may attract certain `bad' people but it would also attract `protective' people too, perhaps?
 
I am 5ft 10 and a size 14, and I don't consider myself to have a `health' problem but it is the right size for me to feel `invisible' around men. Mostly men don't `see' me, and since I like to spend a lot of time chasing birds around with my camera in secluded areas, it is also a practical way to avoid attention.

 I want to be fitter now, so I can hike to even more secluded areas with bird groups. Also, being regarded as ugly makes me feel `socially anxious' and I haven't been able to beat that anxiety very successfully. I still make sure I am friendly and forward, as is my nature, but its harder for me, when i know I am dealing with the barrier of initial revulsion when i meet people.

I wish Kelly would join us in this discussion; it could perhaps help to look at the emotional payoffs, if any, with this. What do you think kelly?

X Bella












 

[Overcomer]

Sorry-had a hectic day.  I am also 5' 10" and used to be a 14 and thought I was fat.  Then I went to 16 for a long time and then 18 and finally 20.  That is when I went in for the band.  I feel great at a size 12 but would really love to be a 10 Tall.  I have allowed my rage and frustration to accumulate on my body.  And funny I joined in a thread about meds and said I did not need them and then the doc put me on them and I gained 20 Pounds!

[Ami]

Dear Bella and Kelly,
  I am on a 'new program" where I force myself to face what I am feeling when I am in social situations, rather than just shut down. Last night,I learned many new things,like I was not comfortable being "strong"(but it was emotional strength, Bella, that I meant)
 I, also ,saw that it is OK to chose WHO I let in to my life and how much. I just called one of my friends, who was there ,last night. I told her a funny story.It was "black humor",but she roared and it was fun. It is Ok to have our relationship be about having fun.
 So, I realized all this by forcing myself to go out when I really didn't want to and then to own my feelings and value them.
 With food issues, we have to do the same. I am trying to be able to eat more,but it doesn't really matter what the food issue is. It has an emotional root(IMO)
  Bella, 5'10" and 14 is the size of the beautiful Plus Size models. I bet you look beautiful, but don't see it b/c of perfectionistic needs. That is my feeling.                 Love   Ami

[Bella_French]

Dear Ami, You are so sweet. I see now what you mean about feeling uncomfortable if you come across as `emotionally strong'. That is such a good insight to have. I love the way you are so intuitive about things; it is a beautiful and courageous trait, to be so aware, and so honest.

Kelly, I get the sense that if i worked with your Mother, I could give a whole new meaning to word `plus size'. They would have to start a new factory in China, just to cater to me! Some people affect me that way. They are usually somatic N's, female, and in a position of authority over me. My little sister reacts in the same way. She is still very close ot our mother, and very enmeshed. he weight has gone up and up over the years. I `inuit' that there is a link between the enmeshment and her weight, but I can't explain why though.

X bella

[Ami]

Thank you, ((((((Bella)))))))). Your words were so uplifting .
   I am realizing that I was afraid of my strength,not my weakness. I was afraid of my confident, strong and capable self and I abdicated it so I would not threaten my M.
  Maybe,you are afraid of your strength and your power,too, Bella.
  I "punish" myself when I feel strong, confident ,'normal", or powerful. I get depressed, insecure , a stomach ache, etc. I have fear  about my strength.
  Do you have this, Bella?You may have to think about it b/c it may be a deep pattern and not known ?    Love ,  Ami

[Bella_French]

I will definitely think about it more deeply, Ami, thankyou for helping me.

[Overcomer]

I know there is something between my weight and this awful thing between my mom and I.  She hurts us all so bad with her allegiance to others and not her family.  I think a thin bod will help me break out a little bit.

[Overcomer]

It is self sabotage.  I am psycho.  When I think how I am nothing it irks me because I know I am playing into her hand.  She thinks I am nothing and so therefore I am nothing.

[Ami]

This thread has been very enlightening.
Kelly, I know the feeling that we are "expected" to be "nothing(worthless, valueless, no strength, no confidence) and we go along with the expectations. Then, we get "nervous"(I, do) being otherwise i.e. strong ,confident, trusting in myself.
 Maybe, this is what people mean by the phrase'comfortable misery".
 I talked to the counselor about "food" issues. They have much deeper roots such as you expressed Kelly, about feeling like 'nothing".
 I told her all the issues I had with food. She traced it back to my M and  roots of feeling valulessness and feeling I did not "belong" ,anyplace..
 She really, really helped me with just one session, but said if  I lived near her ,she would want me to come several times a week.She will come ,once a week and see all of us.
 I will write all about her on another thread. It was very enlightening,very,very helpful.               Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Well for me I made very bad choices as an early 20 Year old.  I guess I was labelled BAD.  So I year the BAD label without trying.  I am bad because I do not do what my mom wants me to do.  Her will is the only right thing for me to do.  I have decided to stand up for myself but it still is perceived as bad by my mom.  Then to question her in anyway is bad.  Do not agree with her?  Bad.  So over the years everything I do makes me bad-so a good person gets to be thin-a bad person is fat.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I was a conformist kid--good girl. My M thinks I am the biggest loser going SO you can't win(lol)
    I know what you mean,though, Kelly. The hardest part for me is owning my own power(confidence , strength) and not feeling guilty or wrong about this.
  It is the ultimate no win situation with an N M.        Love   Ami

[Bella_French]

Dear Kelly,


My little sister, the one who is very close to our mother, told me that our mother criticizes her weight all the time, and it really hurts. If the criticisms are not direct, they are directed at other large people, so that she knows exactly what our mother thinks. Sadly, her husband treats her in the same way.

But the wierd thing is, that when she diets, our mother `sabotages' her by buying her cakes and `weakness' foods. It makes me think that our mother has an emotional investment in keeping her fat and `bad'.

N's like to `project' their badness, and i suppose keeping afat friend or daughter around serves this purpose very well.

I don't think `Fat' is `Bad' myself. The outside is just the outside. It annoys me that some people get a sense of superiority and righteousness when they are around large people.

X bella

 

[Hermes]

Hello Bella:

Size 14 doesn't sound very huge to me.  I don't know if your Australian size 14 is the same as over here. 
It is of course healthy to keep weight down, mainly to avoid certain diseases. I think that is a good idea.  Everyone has  a healthy weight for their height. 

However harping on at people about their weight sounds like a very destructive thing to do.

All the best
Hermes

[Bella_French]

Dear Hermes,

Thankyou:)

Except for feelings of shame, social anxiety, and general hysteria, I'm ok with being a size 14.

But in any case, I don't see it as permanent. My weight never has been. I do blow up sometimes, bigger than a size 14, often for emotional reasons. In this case it was because of major abdominal surgery that put me out of action for a year.

My cholesterol and blood pressure are below average, and I am in especially good health. But I look `not very good'.  I really hate indirect criticism and unsolicited advice from my mother or my partner's mother, because it implies that I don't already know, lol. I DO know that its better to carry less weight, especially in later life. I think the `advice' is justa  way to lift themselves up, rather than intended to lift me up. And its more a `cosmetic' criticism than a health-related one. Women from that genration grew up in 80's when stick thin was the fashion in Australia.

X bella