What are the things, gifts your N gives you?

[flower]

I edited this down because it was too long..
What does your N give you for gifts or otherwise? I'd love to read your stories.

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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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[gardener]

Ditto the furniture, I got rid of the last piece by dismantling it in the house and throwing it in a skip. It's almost like the items become little anchors for them, a way they can be present in your life without having to physically be there. Getting rid of the items can be quite 'cathartic'. (I think this term refers to a group of people who used to burn everything before they moved on) The Aboriginal way was to burn the ground so that new growth could be free to push its way up. It's a freeing up of yourself from old burdens and starting new life. it's such a feeling of renewal, not destructive.....just a moving ahead without the old baggage.

[Anonymous]

My (deceased) MIL wanted to pay for things and then control what we bought with the money. Unfortunately my H got caught in this trap because he was enmeshed with her. But she can't do it now, being dead.

My mother does needlepoints that she gives me, and I am supposed to display them and not have any other home decor. I defied this and got other decor but I also display her needlepoints. Fortunately, they're pretty nice. I dared to decline a few because I just didn't like them. She sulked but eventually got over it.


bunny

P.S. to flower: I think your mother's gifts are signs of mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Hi again gardener!

It's almost like the items become little anchors for them, a way they can be present in your life without having to physically be there.

That's says it exactly!  I  felt my mom very strongly in my emotions  for a very long time as I went around the house, using her stuff and felt horribly depressed before we got rid of the stuff.

Thanks for the cultural information on new beginnings. It was helpful to me and very positive.


Hi bunny, thanks for the response!

my H got caught in this trap because he was enmeshed with her.

The word 'enmeshed' says it all. Thankfully, I woke up to the sickness.

Yes, she's a doozy.  It seems like there is nice mentally ill and mean mentally ill. I think you all know which category my mom fits in.

flower

[Anonymous]

Hi CJ

Please hang in there. Keep looking for ways to move out! Explore lots of options. Try different organizations. Maybe you could meet more friends while pursuing a common interest and eventually find a room mate.  Please keep trying. You deserve to move out.

flower

[Anonymous]

Well don't I feel stupid posting to the wrong topic!!!

Flower

[Max]

Dito my N MIL likes to give junk.  She gave me small cheap dish towels for my birthday one year.  At first I thought she was trying to tell me I should be doing the dishes, then I realized they were just junk she didn't want anymore.  I was supposed to be overwhelmed with gratitude.  Anything she gives is to be treasured.  My Nwife collects and distributes junk from thrift and dollar stores.  

When the Ns grandmother died the NMIL asked if there was anything special that anyone wanted as a keepsake.  Funny - those were the things she then kept for herself.  

Max

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

Sadly, I am realizing late in life that my mother is an indian giver.  If my N brother wants me that she already promised me, guess who gets it?  It's really a crappy thing to do.  It always catches me by surprise too because she can be generous otherwise.  But those times when she's everybody's little sister are really irritating and upsetting to me.  

NSIL and her H are famously cheap with gifts.  Give you the absolute cheapest version of the cheapest item on your wish list.  And they insist on a wish list.    It got to the point where I gave anything they gave us directly to charity.  She recycles gift paper too...if she's sending a "message" you get a present with old baby shower gift wrap.  Like, here's a present you big baby.  Nice, huh?  But they fufill their "obligation".  

Have also been in that situation where you help people move stuff out of their house and they are doing YOU a favor.  Ugh.  Puhlease.  The gift thing drives me wild when I get going on it.  Takes all the spirit out of the whole idea of remembrance, generosity, and appreciation.  

Seeker

[ellen]

Oh my gosh! My mom did the same thing! Every Christmas, it would be used paper from gifts she had received. If I commented, I'd be shamed into how I am wasteful, etc., and should be grateful that we have Christmas because poor people in the world never got a toy.

I also got the same treatment when wanting to go to a restaurant as a kid. I was told I was selfish for asking to go to Sizzler because most people could only afford such a thing once a year (we were rich, but I was so brainwashed around age 9 I believed her).

Then my mom did the same indian giver thing. I was promised a trip with her to a spa in Czechoslovakia (this was at age 25, before I began to truly wake up, before therapy). All of a sudden, when there were relatives around her at her house while I was on the phone, she ripped into me for being selfish and too luxurious re: wanting this trip (the whole thing was her idea). She was telling the relatives things I said (but didn't) while on the phone and I couldn't defend myself. I was so outraged, it began my foray into getting help. Especially after she took the trip back and gave it to my little sister along with a 5 star stay in Cannes and Italy!  

How strange it was that she did this so much- promise me something, mock me for it, take it away, and then give it to my sister times 2. It was like a hobby for her, but looking back it was the straw I needed to begin change because it was so blatant. Maybe that plays a role in keeping my pregnancy quiet as well- she would promise god knows what (nanny, etc.) and get off on either my rejection of it (making me stubborn and prideful), or taking it away (making me weak). Ick1

[Anonymous]

Hi Seeker,

The gift thing drives me wild when I get going on it. Takes all the spirit out of the whole idea of remembrance, generosity, and appreciation.

 

The gift thing can really get to me too. In my case, Ns in our extended family have pretty much wrecked me feeling good about holidays and birthdays. I stopped celebrating with them about 1995.


In reference to the taking back of promises:

that she already promised me, guess who gets it?

Sounds very familiar...

Reminds me of the time as a teenager that my parents told me that I could pick whichever bedroom I wanted to in the new house we were moving into. I picked the nice one with two windows located at the end of the house. It made me feel good to be given that choice.

Later, I was informed that my brother was going to get the room I picked. It was sprung on me as a done deal. Guess he wanted the room?  Guess my sister got the pick of the two bedrooms left to pick from.  I didn't get a choice at all.

I protested at the change. They took me to the room I was going to get, the smallest bedroom. They told me what a nice view it had, like I was supposed to be thrilled. "ka-ching"... the switch! The bigger room I had wanted had two nice views and was more private. I didn't fight it, how could I, the whole family was happy besides me.

It was the theme all throughout growing up and into adulthood.   I was promised something, had it taken away and my sister and brother were favored with something of comparable value as I was promised. I guess I didn't deserve it somehow. No wonder I felt flawed. I hadn't done anything wrong to get it taken away. I felt  basically defective.

flower
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[ellen]

Flower- It sounds like we have had very similar experiences. I had a house pulled from under me too. We were lured to move to CA after first being engaged. My parents told us to not bring the car (at the time we were 24 and personally poor/starting out). So we left MD, husband sold the car for $400, and flew out on their dime. We basically had nothing but 2 suitcases.

They promised up and down that we would get a "mini-estate" and 2 Mercedes. I was like you, so blinded by wanting love and support that I would accept anything without question. It really wasn't about the money, it was about the sense of being accepted, looked out for, regarded. It had always been about my sibling too  in my family, so to be the center of attention like that was so flattering and welcomed by the missing parts of me I felt dazzled and special and I think my needs at the time affected my better judgement.

So after 4 days in a crappy motel on their dime (this should have been my first warning sign- on the first day there was a police shootout next door and a criminal died and they did not offer to move us), they decided that the search was "taking too long" and they wanted a car back. Weird, but we said ok and did so. Then we found a house and my mom turned on me once again, saying how dare I want a house, that is "selfish, irresponsible, and immature". I was in such shock. When we were still in therapy, she denied this over and over. Right before she stopped the process, she started to bend and admit bits and pieces, but they were distorted, just like your mom.

Anyway, similar thing, and I was soon told by my parents that they made a "mistake' and had "reconsidered". We were cut off in LA. With the $400 and the selling of the other car, we  crashed at this Japanese guy's apartment for several weeks, and somehow God took care of us and Michael got a good job within the first week and we were able to save and get our own place. It was sort of a miracle. Again, like you, rather than being overtly pissed, I was mute and compliant and did not speak up regarding the insanity of what had already occured.
 
You have given the perfect word for it- betrayal. And the betrayal of a  home, a sense of security and space, is so raw. Its like giving a piece of your heart and dreams to a person who just slices randomly through it. The grand gesture then denied is such a sorrow! It was like they said "I love you, I'm thinking of your happiness and future, here..." and then "What was I thinking? Who are to you to have this?", which is the unloving act. I so understand the pain.

Again, like you, I had the double betrayal. 5 months later my sister got engaged and they bought her a very expensive house, no questions asked, outright. I am really sorry for me, you, and anyone else who has been trained to get their heart broken by the wish to be loved. Here is a toast to waking up!!!! Its like coming out of the Matrix.