Bigger Picture (progress report)

[Gabben]

It occurred to me that I may give out more a picture of pain, problems and sufferings to the board about my life than I share the good of my life and the progress.

So here goes,

My life blows me away (in a good way). If someone would have told me 17 years ago, when I was just awakening to my FOO pain and therapy work, that I would be who I am, and live the life I live, I would have never believed it!

I love my job/work and what I do, there are no financial worries -- the pay is great! I am debt free, my car is paid off. My apartment is gorgeous and I live in one of the most beautiful and sought after cities in the world to live. The ocean in my backyard and the art, culture and adventurous city is my front yard.

On Sunday's I attend Mass at a huge Gothic Catholic Cathedral and on week day I attend Mass at a little French Church downtown in the financial district on my lunch hours.

Most especially, I'm blessed with many friends. I love my AA friends.  4 of us piled into my car last night and went to the 9pm candle light Mass at the beautiful Gothic Church -- We were laughing on the way home because one of my former drunk friends was telling the story of a alcoholic that he did 12 step work with to get sober. When he was hearing his confession, or 5th step, at the end of every resentment, my firend (the sponsor) would ask him what his part was and what he did that was wrong, the guy (sponsee) would say, regretfully, "I beat him up." At the end of every inventory...he had beat up over 100 guys while drinking...Yeah we laugh at ourselves a lot!

We laugh hard and frequently; to know that feeling of camaraderie, to have others who we laugh with at the absurdity of our sins, past wrongs and shameful behaviors -- We laugh together because we have been there and now we work to be better together -- We are free!

There are many hobbies I enjoy:  cooking, knitting, ice skating, running, walking in the rain on the beach, watching old movies and reading.

I love spending time with my family, my sister, my brother, my nieces and nephews, my cousins and my uncles and aunts.

This Spring I am going to a wedding of a girlfriend of mine that thought that she would never find love or marry and now she is head over heals in love with a guy head over heals for her!

They say that out outer world is a reflection of our inner world. There is so much more and I am happy with who I am, inside and out.

This past year was a rough one. However, I can feel that I am almost home....I can see the summit, sometimes -- I started working on FOO stuff when I was 17. Then again I restarted when I was 22. Then in my late twenties I started working with the Freudian therapist - 4 intensive years and 3 more for a total of years of persuing my darkness and persuing insight and growth. I have embraced a lot of healing - I am proud of myself.

So yes, there is still my memories and pain - there are still old patterns and much growing still to do but God did not bring me this far to drop me off. I pencil in suffering into my calendar. My old pain comes up because it is safe for it to come up. Because I am good to me and my life is full, therefore, my inner girl knows that it is the time feel, it is the time to heal.

One of the best parts of my life is helping others, working with other alcoholics, prostitutes, homeless and others with FOO pain to heal -- this is the stuff that gives my life meaning -- compassion. My broken childhood has taught me that it takes a deeply compassionate heart to help heal a broken one.

Most importantly, there is my relationship with God He is either everything or He is nothing. For me I would give everything because He is my everything.

I do not mean to brag or boast, just wanted to offer hope and or inspiration.

Love,
Lise

[Kimberli63]

Lise, well done. You have certainly worked hard and you deserve to be where you are now.I will write more later.

Kim in Oz

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  You inspire me to get out of myself and give comfort and solace to other people.I can see that you have a rich life, Lise . You show  courage on the board by trying to face deep pain ,when it would be much easier to run away, as  so many people do.
 Lise, Rock On, Girlfriend.                   Love    Ami
 

[teartracks]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Gabben)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

tt

[Gabben]

Hi Izzy -- luck has never been a factor, lucky me, I guess

But thanks for your encouragement anyway.

Lise

[Gabben]

Good Luck, gabben

on fixing the broken parts, as the unbroken sounds very well put together.

Izzy

Izzy,

I must say that your posts are sometimes like underhanded slaps in the face.

Lise

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lise,

Thank you for this window on your life...  sounds so very... complete.

Although I have a long way to go, I can glimpse a full future just by hearing about your present... and it's a pleasure to rejoice with you!

Love,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

Dear gabben

You have surprised the heck out of me with your response

It occurred to me that I may give out more a picture of pain, problems and sufferings to the board about my life than I share the good of my life and the progress.

pain, problems and sufferings   I refer to as the broken parts and these are what you have been working on understanding/fixing.

than I share the good of my life and the progress I refer to as the unbroken parts.

so I saidGood Luck, gabben on fixing the broken parts, as the unbroken sounds very well put together.

There is certainly no slap in the face involved here--why would you think so?

xx
Izzy

Thanks Izzy -- you are correct. After a while it came to me that you meant no harm to me and that is just your communication style and my over sensitivity.

Will you please forgive me?

I really enjoy connecting with you and reading your posts I would be sad if you ignored me here.

(((Izzy)))

Lise

[Leah]

Thank you (((((( Lise ))))))

for openly sharing, which is so uplifting,
and a pure delight to know.

Every sincere good wish for your future.

Love, Leah

[seasons]

Lise,

Thank you for sharing you with us What was really odd to me is I felt like I already NEW your life was surrounded by beautiful people, and blessings from God.

Your description was already in my heart.
 
One especially stood out, with loveliness.
Of course a beautiful ocean for you, God has provided for you,  knowing it is his gift for you to love and appreciate.
So many gifts, God is so generous. As is your heart, living a life of love, giving back to Gods children even through your pain, you see and feel his love, even the FOO could not take away.

Your an inspiration. I am praying for you Lise, may God walk with you always. seasons

[Gabben]

Seasons,

Thank you for your words this morning, they brightened me up and soothed

It took me a while to see all the good that is in my life as a blessing from God. There was always so much guilt and unfamiliarity with stability and abundance. But once I fully realized that I had not planned all of the beauty in my life and that I had been just doing what was in front of me and most especially working to care for others and clean up any wreckage from my past -- it began to sink in.....GOD INSISTS THAT WE ENJOY LIFE --- HE really just wants us to drink and eat of the goodness of life -- (but just use moderation )

Peace and blessings on your day -- May God warm you with His love for you and keep you close.

Lise

[Gabben]

The following is from the AA big book -- I live my life by the following.....it has saved my life and given me back my life -- a full happy life.


(If you read the word "we", just think of me, not you.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. (Note: this stuff refers to me and my past)

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him. 


I have been saying this above prayer every morning for the past 10 years. Lise

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))) That was so beautiful and the whole thing rings so true to me.

(((((((((((Lise))))))))))))  I hope that you are taking comfort.
Amen to united fronts against npd... and against voicelessness, too!

Love,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

One must experience the N experience to understand it. then study it for as much as one needs to fully understand what just transpired in one's  life to make one go screaming into the hills yelling, I'm not crazy! It's him! ---then stay there mumbling incoherently to all the wildlife passing by.

This above was great!

Thanks for your encouraging and inspiring words. It was warming on my heart to read and I appreciate your opening up so much to me -- I am learning more about you, it is good.

It is understandable about not relating to the N mom threads as I do not relate to the people who had N spouses very well -- that was not my story and I hope it never becomes it either  .

Thanks,
Lise

[Overcomer]

Love hearing the good.  Sometimes we get wrapped up in our pain and anger and conflict and do not focus on the good!