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N parents create children naive about close relationships?

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Portia:

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Hiya CJ, I got this image of you standing alone in a field, standing in a cow-pat (cow sh*t). And a video-tape of Texas Chainsaw drops from the sky out of nowhere and lands about 20 feet away. Curious but not startled, you walk over to pick it up…hey this is the start of a David Lynch film! Have you seen any of his? Blue Velvet? My image isn’t funny, but then it is, kind of tragic-comedy (I hope).

You were in a field of one – past tense? If so, where are you now? And can I ask: what’s your image of ‘Everyone Else’? How do you see them, in groups of types? I ask because my views about Everyone Else are changing all the time. P

PS. You are an ‘outsider’ to me, in the most positive of ways. How you see you is not how I see you.

cj:
I can't really answer those questions, these days. I guess my self feels so vague and shattered or, 'not there' that whenever I do ponder them, theres just a big emptiness in my head and no answers.



--- Quote from: Portia ---
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You were in a field of one – past tense? If so, where are you now? And can I ask: what’s your image of ‘Everyone Else’? How do you see them, in groups of types? I ask because my views about Everyone Else are changing all the time. P
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Portia guest:
I can’t help myself asking questions Cj, I always want to know more. That big emptiness isn’t a problem though is it? Ha ha, another question! Sorry. Have you read Nic’s posts on page 15 of the Ramble thread? (-rhetorical question, no answer asked for). Everything changes. What’s clear today might be confused tomorrow. I felt sad and depressed yesterday; today I feel optimistic again.

I don’t have answers either. But I’m beginning to like some people, just a few, very much. Some people are wonderful, honest, imperfect, sad, happy, humble human beings. They make life worth living for me.  :D But I do have a problem: I keep getting so emotional, keep finding things that make me cry, or make me angry-sad, that my eyes are starting to look a little bloodshot. I’m worried the neighbours might think I’m going nuts! Ha ha ha…have I told you about their problems? Boy, there’s no way they’re thinking about me. (((Cj)))

Anyway, sorry Flower, I’m rambling on your thread, I’ll pack myself off to reply to some more real human beings on the proper thread. Hope things are progressing – positively - with your daughter. P

Cj:
I have so many preconceptions (re:baggage) when I come to speaking to people, even on a thread. I am very wary. Scares me how vulnerable it makes me feel really. The emptiness is a problem Portia, because I want to feel alive. And not so scattered I'm constantly confused/exhausted. People make me very curious too btw. :) Although I am trying to stop the analysing and concentrate more on emotion, because trying to work everything out is driving me insane. Sometimes I feel like the lawnmover man. HA. You know when he learns 'everything' in a fell swoop, but doesn't learn the emotional experience and other parts of experience to go with all the knowledge. Like reading about France, but never having been, and thinking you know it. I am really not sure how to put it, but if you've seen it, I'm sure you get my meaning. Even if its not exaclty the same, I'm not sure it even is hmmmm. ha. I never used to feel much emotion, for years. Its actually scarey. I've just realised how horrific that movie is lol, only after 30 viewings. Well, what the hell, I might be crap, but I think I'm pretty interesting. I either shut down feelings, or they weren't developed very well to start with. I haven't seen Blue Velvet. It looks quite disturbing. I'm not sure I like disturbing movies now.
But yes, I am starting to like people, and feel for them, which is good. I have gotten round to seeing other people aren't just threatening to me, and to be avoided, and nothing else. God I feel humbled. :S But yeh, I relate to the being to emotional, I worry I am like that, and thats why I cut off so long ago. I don't really want to be 'too sensitive for this world'. Such a cliche ha.

:).

--- Quote from: Portia guest ---I can’t help myself asking questions Cj, I always want to know more. That big emptiness isn’t a problem though is it? Ha ha, another question! Sorry. Have you read Nic’s posts on page 15 of the Ramble thread? (-rhetorical question, no answer asked for). Everything changes. What’s clear today might be confused tomorrow. I felt sad and depressed yesterday; today I feel optimistic again.

I don’t have answers either. But I’m beginning to like some people, just a few, very much. Some people are wonderful, honest, imperfect, sad, happy, humble human beings. They make life worth living for me.  :D But I do have a problem: I keep getting so emotional, keep finding things that make me cry, or make me angry-sad, that my eyes are starting to look a little bloodshot. I’m worried the neighbours might think I’m going nuts! Ha ha ha…have I told you about their problems? Boy, there’s no way they’re thinking about me. (((Cj)))


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Portia guest:
Cj, how are you? You sound okay, in fact, you sound good.  :D I’m curious about people too, I don’t understand them and want to. I’m starting to understand people like my mother and it’s both painful and good. Painful because they hurt, but they won’t let you near them and they won’t change themselves. Good because it is stopping me banging my head against a brick wall. Okay, I still do it, but I stop sooner! Ouch, ouch, oh sod it.
Reasoning and emotion, thinking and feeling. As soon as I try and make myself do something differently, consciously, a kind of ‘dumb wall’ springs up. It’s a bit like trying to look directly at a shadow that’s appeared at the corner of your eye. Once you look directly at it, you can’t see it. I sort of let things – feelings/ideas – creep up on me. Sorry that’s my best explanation and not very helpful. :?

I laughed when I realised I didn’t have to be a perfectionist about healing! I didn’t have to do it the ‘right’ way! I can totally screw it up and have another go. Great.

Yep, I know Lawnmower Man. With the Bond bloke as the scientist, er, Bronsen, Piers. Very scary when he injects all that stuff himself and goes on the crazed raging rampage. Just raw power and intelligence: no compassion, no empathy and such lonely hurt at the centre. Or maybe I’m putting my own interpretation on the film. Blue Velvet is disturbing, exactly. In fact, I used to *like* watching this type of film. Used to go into real trances watching, get totally lost. Maybe not now? I haven’t seen it for years. Lots of violence as I remember. Hmmm. How about Paris Texas? Used to make me howl and sob. Probably still would! Sad film about a little boy, a father and a mother. Hey..have we had this conversation before? I’m getting a déjà vu …

Humble. Humility. The opposite of arrogance. A Good Thing I reckon. We can be humble, and it doesn’t mean weak or unopinionated, it means modest. We can be strong and humble – there’s no contradiction in that I think. Hey I’m gonna disappear for a while. Coffee refuelling and stuff. :)

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