Men's logic

[Overcomer]

Can anyone give me some insight here?

We had a round rug on lineoleum in the old house.  When our dog was a puppy he used to run over there and pee on the rug.  We had it cleaned but when we took it up there was some discoloration on the linoleum.

So yesterday I found that rug and put it under the dining room table.  Looks real nice.

So my H says to me....."in two years when we lift up that rug there is going to be some fading under it so I do not think we should put that rug there...."

Well, I think it looks nice.  He doesn't think I am being logical.  I think he forgets that the stain had to do with puppy pee not sun because it was a north facing window and so is this one....

Am I wrong to want to leave it there?  Do others have area rugs on top of carpet?

[Hermes]

Hello Overcomer:

To make it simple.

this isn"t about logic, or the possible fading.  He doesn"t want you to put the rug there, because even in this small thing he wants to control.

Hermes

[Ami]

I can see things like this becoming huge issues ,when there are deeper issues . Believe me, I have been there "in spades".
  IMO, great housekeeper that I am, I think that a rug over a rug is fine. You see it in magazines, all the time.
 I think that it is a great idea to put it under the table.
  My H and I have had thousands of similar disagreements when it was really deeper issues----VERY much  deeper  issues, which still are not resolved (lol).
                          Love,   Ami
 

[Hermes]

I agree with Ami.  Put the rug right there under the table where you want to.

But, as Ami also says, it is really not about the rug at all.  It is about control.

Hermes

[Overcomer]

Well, and this H is an engineer.  In my opinion, kinda boring.  He talks about stuff that I simply do not care about AND he jumps on arguments about siding and rugs and other stuff all the time.  He rages so maybe it is his way to get to be verbally abusive.  If I do not agree with him (which is most of the time) then he gets a free card to start yelling at me........does that sound familiar Ami??

He is stupid in a lot of ways.....

But, I was willing to let it be men and women differences in how we think....

[Hermes]

Well, Ami, the trick here is not to engage with him in any kind of argument.  He can"t argue if he has no one to argue with. 
You could say: "anything you say dear", and then YOU go right ahead and put the rug where you like. 
And no, this is not a man/woman thing.  It is an attempted control thing.

Hermes

[Ami]

The rug is the entryway  to a fight--right?
 It reminds me of people getting divorced b/c one sqeezes the toothpaste the wrong way(lol)
 If it was not the rug,it would be s/thing else until you get to the root, Kelly(IMO). I am sorry for the distress and angst ,Kelly. I really am.  Love    Ami

[Overcomer]

tHIS from a man who had one small picture of an owl on his wall (when I met him) at HIS eye level (he is 6' 6")

A light country blue couch with ruffles.  A circa 70s kitchen table that his mother made him buy when she got new furniture.

White walls.  No curtains.

Also, the only person in the house who will not take his shoes off so he tracks dirt in all over the carpet.  He also drips coffee on the carpet.

We cannot put that rug down because it will discolor the carpet....

[Certain Hope]

Kelly,

My answer isn't politically correct, but I hope you know that I mean well.

My husband and I have talked about things like this... and I have learned that, for me - and for us - it's best to heed his advice.
Whether he's right or wrong is not even the point. Whether or not the rug looks nice there isn't the point.
What's behind all that, in my experience, is the fact that your husband does not feel respected by you... and respect is a man's deepest need.
I really don't feel that it's about control. I feel that it's about his wanting to be heard and valued, despite the fact that he's often wrong.

You say he is "stupid in a lot of ways" and no doubt he knows that's how you see him...
my husband knows when I feel like he's being stupid. So can you see how his taking a stand on something dumb like a rug might be more related to the fact that he knows you think about him that way?
When I've felt similarly about my husband, God has not wasted time in showing me just how stupid I myself can be...
so that's why I speak up about it to you.

Love,
Carolyn

[Hermes]

Overcomer:

Again, it is not about your H's ideas on interior decor, nor is it about the rug.  He wants you do it his way or no way.


Such topics, if they do come up, in the context of a normal marriage/relationship, with a normal, reasonable, Non-N individual, CAN be discussed. 

Overcomer:  respect is something a person has to earn.  If a man does not show respect to his wife, (and Ns could never be described as respectful. L.) then why should he be given respect.

All the best
Hermes

[Certain Hope]

Kelly,

Am I correct in thinking that your husband is NOT npd?

Just checking.

Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Well, I agree he has to earn respect.  I do not think he is NPD.  I think he had no voice and he screams to be heard.  Because his parents stifled him and showed him no respect he has anger issues to a fault.  Also, his social skills are lacking.  He is redundant and boring.  He is one of those guys who says the same thing over and over and over again.  Especially if he is angry.  He will tell me how he is going to confront someone and then he will say............"then I'll just tell him that x....."  and a little while later he'll say........."then I'll just tell him x.."  And I look at him and ask him, "Didn't you just say that?"  And then a little while later he'll say it again and again and again.  Then he tells me I do not listen to him.  It is true.  I tune him out.  How can I give a man my undivided attention when it is the sixth time he has said it??

[Certain Hope]

Yes, I understand, Kelly. He's the one who's not listening to himself. It's as though he needs to be given permission to do that.

My husband repeats himself, too... but I've made peace with it, knowing that I have my own annoying habits and nobody's perfect. In fact, he has alot of a.d.d. symptoms, sometimes worse than others. We all do weird stuff under stress and when we're tired/hormonal/whatever.

I say, let there be peace. He's not npd, so yes, there really can be... peace.

Love,
Carolyn

[Hermes]

Overcomer:

I believe you also said in other posts (correct me if I am wrong) that he has a "drink problem".  And he has rages.  "anger issues" is a euphemism.   People who rage, and if they also drink, have been known sadly all too often to injure their nearest and dearest.  
I do not believe these issues should be played down.  I also believe that no wife is supposed to be her husband's therapist, or to "fix" him, in any way at all.  That is a job for a professional, always supposing the party agrees to go to a therapist/psychiatrist.

Could I just ask, and I mean this in a sincere fashion: "What was it about him that first attracted you, that made you wish to marry him."  

All the best
Hermes

[Overcomer]

Honestly??  Here I go.  I had broken up with another drunken man.  My nmom picked up the trying to fix him after I gave up after three years.  He was a lost cause but she thought if she fixed him he would be acceptable to me.  I was so angry with her for again interfering in my life that I met my H on match.com.  We dated and were married six months later.  I did it to spite my mom and it has been pretty much a roller coaster ride ever since.  He is ok sometimes but for the most part he is boring and angry.  He is an alcoholic.  He is "stupid."  Under all his "stuff" he is a nice guy but not one I would have or should have chosen.