Abuse by omission

[SilverLining]

Coming to terms with my family experience was difficult for many years because my siblings and I could not identify many instances of outright abuse.  When we had something in mind, it was always easy to rationalize it away as just a bad day or a mistake.  My parents usually didn't hit, yell, name call, deprive us of food, or otherwise appear to be like the abusers in the movies.  Yet it was clear things were not good and the offspring have all suffered from depression and other symptoms. 

I have been thinking lately about things I did not experience that might add up to a pattern of "abusive omission".  I have making a list of things I rarely or never experienced in my FOO life.  Here are a few.

-Discussion of issues or problems from my point of view.
-Compliments (almost never happened)
-Guidance on spiritual matters (I was taken to church weekly but otherwise no discussion or consideration)
-Reciprocal conversations. 
-Acceptance of my emotions, anger, objections to their behaviors.  They were never wrong.
-Interest in any of my interests or activities. 
-Help in developing skills.  It was left almost entirely up to the schools
-Feedback on development of knowledge, ability, or skills.  Report cards from school were about it.
-Activities of mutual interest.  Activities with the parents involved their interests.  My own interests were  generally pursued alone.


The FOO appeared "normal" but I am coming to see there was very little positive depth.  It was a good show for the neighbors but scratch the surface and the truth, at least as I experienced it, was far from good. 

[Certain Hope]

Same here, tjr... point by point, straight down the line.
In fact, it never occurred to me back then that it was okay - sheesh, not okay, but desireable - for me to even have a point of view.
I guess they thought that we'd just pick all this stuff up by osmosis... or a mind meld of some sort.

I've grown up alongside my own children... and experienced more of a childhood with them than I ever had before, complete with actual talking, back and forth, in conversational form... amazing. My parents have no clue. They are only accustomed to kids behaving like pets, I guess.

Good thing we're never too old to learn!

Carolyn

[Bella_French]

I can relate Tjr, You have written a very insightful post!

Thankyou:)

X bella

[Overcomer]

Yes.  I think I will print your post and give it to my mom-basically tell her that I never thought about it but this is how it is.

[Leah]

Dear TJR

Thank you for your most insightful posting, which has had quite an impact.

"Abuse by Omission"  I can so resonate with.

Never thought of it like that, but in a nutshell, that is part and parcel of my life experience.

Truly amazing.

Leah x

[axa]

me too Tjr....... I work very hard at accepting these dysfunctional behaviours as "normal"  I still find it difficult to stay connected to others and have a deep belief that nobody will ever be there for me and I have to battle everything alone.  My experience on this board is that there are supportive people in the world who are willing to help but I have to work very hard at remembering this.  I think the only person I ever felt really connected with was my daughter and the loss of her was so painful.  My expectation is that if I do make a connection it will be met with disappointment and so have built a firm wall around myself.  The up side of this is that I feel safe the down side is that I feel terribly alone.  Practising at letting the wall transform into some sort of net that leaves the good things in and filters the bad. 

I think the experience of being included in a "good enough" family must be such a wonderful grounding for a child, knowing withouth thinking that they are worthy.  It feels like I have spent my life trying to know some kind of self worth it is hard battle but all is not lost.

axa

[SilverLining]

me too Tjr.......   I still find it difficult to stay connected to others and have a deep belief that nobody will ever be there for me and I have to battle everything alone. 

Hi Axa.  I think that's a great insight.  You've inspired me to start a new list:  "Lies I learned in childhood about myself, life, relationships".  By going through these conditioning processes, day after day after day, we start deeply believing the problem is in us, or just "normal" disappointments of life.  Now the challenge is to back up, see the conditioning, and then work on changing our own approach. 

Thanks everybody for the feedback and validation.   As suggested in my list, it's kind of a novel experience for me 

[teartracks]

Hi trj,

You summarized the experience very well.  I'm working on changing my approach.  Thank you.

tt

[Leah]

Now the challenge is to back up, see the conditioning, and then work on changing our own approach.

Yes!  Changing our approach is the Key!

So glad you are here with us on board, TJR

Leah x

[Gabben]

-Discussion of issues or problems from my point of view.
-Compliments (almost never happened)
-Guidance on spiritual matters (I was taken to church weekly but otherwise no discussion or consideration)
-Reciprocal conversations. 
-Acceptance of my emotions, anger, objections to their behaviors.  They were never wrong.
-Interest in any of my interests or activities. 
-Help in developing skills.  It was left almost entirely up to the schools
-Feedback on development of knowledge, ability, or skills.  Report cards from school were about it.
-Activities of mutual interest.  Activities with the parents involved their interests.  My own interests were  generally pursued alone.


The FOO appeared "normal" but I am coming to see there was very little positive depth.  It was a good show for the neighbors but scratch the surface and the truth, at least as I experienced it, was far from good. 

TJR,

Thank you so much for this!

As I was reading I was thinking about N saint and then my mom.

N saint never complimented me, interesting. Never asked me how I felt, not once can I even recall that. Of course my mom only asked me how I felt when she had an invested interest.

Never can I recall feeling safe enough to express my outrage or anger or disagreement with mom -- never.

-Help in developing skills.  It was left almost entirely up to the schools

My mom would not and never did take interest in anything I did in school. It was if I was all on my own.

-Feedback on development of knowledge, ability, or skills.  Report cards from school were about it.

 I learned in 1st grade that I had better get good grades or my mom will blow up at me. From then out I always made sure I was at least above average -- out of fear because I knew the only feedback I would ever get was negative. If I did do something well, it went unnoticed.

This is helpful stuff. It would be good for me to take it to my therapist and pull up some more specific memories and talk to her about how I felt in relation to all of the list.

I'll get to that after I work through this intense layer of abandonment pain.

[Iphi]

I relate to your post very much tjr.  For so many years I would say to myself 'why can't he say something nice about me?'   Without knowing anything of NPD it was absolutely a mystery, a terrible mystery.  And I'm not a person who avoided the subject.  I bearded the lion in his den many times.  I directly addressed the situation again and again.  Sometimes there were rages, sometimes the subject changed to my shortcomings, sometimes to pity for him, and sometimes he thought of ways to 'say something nice' that were actually demeaning or patronizing.  Or a way to 'show support' that was actually undermining.

It is a huge weight off my mind and heart to understand that it was not me.  I have given up so many aspirations, dreams, hopes, initiatives, efforts and desires over the years because of the extreme undermining and I've held myself completely responsible for these shortcomings and lacks in me, but I've been flying blind and trying to salvage or redeem this relationship the whole time. 

Now I understand that so much of my development was seized in the narcissistic double bind, or even quadruple bind!  Here's the madness:  Nothing I would like, involve myself with or devote effort to could be worthy, but quitting was shameful, and setbacks or mediocrity was contemptible, and success was ignored.  Talk about no win.

Of all things, I think these interactions and omissions have haunted me the most over the years.  Combined with the sabotage of my physical safety - it was the omissions that really chipped away at my denial and wall of idealization.  It was the sheer existence of evidence staring me in the face and the questions of why why why.

I just want to walk away from the relationship.  That's just where I am.  All this time I tried to prove my good faith in choosing him over myself and it has been BS all this time.  I'm just exhausted with it and now I see all my skills and learning deficits and areas of neglect of cultivating my own life.  And I just want to walk away.

[SilverLining]

 I learned in 1st grade that I had better get good grades or my mom will blow up at me. From then out I always made sure I was at least above average -- out of fear because I knew the only feedback I would ever get was negative. If I did do something well, it went unnoticed.

Hi Gabben.  I'm glad the list has been helpful.  I sure relate to the grade thing.  My parents made a great show of being concerned with grades, without any consideration of what they really meant to me or my future.  Grades were a trophy to be absorbed into their own "selves".   I think it's a great window into the N family process.  They convince themselves they are showing great concern for their children by focusing on grades, while there is no substance at all to the concern.  I don't think I ever heard a comment relating grades back to me.   

Their concern about grades did diminish as I got older, but another problem was approaching for them if my grades were too good:  I might then want to go to an expensive college, and that wasn't in their interests.  Even though my grades were certainly good enough for college, they almost completely avoided the topic.   

[Certain Hope]

My parents made a great show of being concerned with grades, without any consideration of what they really meant to me or my future.  Grades were a trophy to be absorbed into their own "selves".   I think it's a great window into the N family process.  They convince themselves they are showing great concern for their children by focusing on grades, while there is no substance at all to the concern.  I don't think I ever heard a comment relating grades back to me.   

Again, same here. This is such a great thread, tjr... again, thank you.

And same with what Lise said about there never being any compliments... or supportive encouragement of any kind, really... only a sense of expectations of perfection, with no acknowledgement that happiness, joy, satisfaction should figure into the equation somehow.
There was some sense of promise... but it was a promise of being special - IF - ....

and the list of requirements which followed that IF was as long as your arm.

Impossible. That's what I remember feeling. This is impossible. I can never measure up.

Iphi, about this:

Here's the madness:  Nothing I would like, involve myself with or devote effort to could be worthy, but quitting was shameful, and setbacks or mediocrity was contemptible, and success was ignored.  Talk about no win.

That is it, exactly. Because even if N truly did consider the object of your attempts/efforts worthy and desireable, he will not acknowledge that UNLESS the whole thing was his idea... and then, if you do well, he will hate you for surpassing him (unless you somehow allow him to take full credit for your accomplishment).

Iphi, you wrote:

I just want to walk away from the relationship.  That's just where I am.  All this time
I tried to prove my good faith in choosing him over myself and it has been BS all this time.  I'm just exhausted with it and now I see all my skills and learning deficits and areas of neglect of cultivating my own life.  And I just want to walk away.

This is a good thing to see, Iph... just don't let it be ALL you see of yourself, because there is so much more to you. You are lovely.

Carolyn

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for this thread tjr.  These are the things that people raised by non-Ns can't even imagine.

I am making a list of my memories and re-imagining them as though I had non-N parents who could provide those things that I needed - those things in your list.  It really feels good to get them in my memory-imagination.

[Hopalong]

Iphi,
I'm so sorry.
I know what you mean ... it's like hitting a wall.
You just finally accept that it's brick, not a flowering hedge.

It's a terrible disappointment to know your efforts are in vain.

I hope you can soon envision places and pursuits and people that will be rewarding and affirming for you.
You do deserve it, richly...

love to you,
Hops