awful day at work

[Hopalong]

My boss (an N, but a lot more benevolent than the previous Nboss) got mad at me today because I've made a bunch of mistakes. Mom's stroke, my brother's stays, money worries, and taking Ambien...all add up to not enough sleep and not enough focus. I owned the mistakes and sincerely apologized and he said, You're always sorry. And then made a bunch of criticisms (felt like the kitchen sink) that added up to, What good are you? It was so painful, because work had been feeling like a sanctuary of sorts.

I know it started because I challenged him on something...he micromanages at times and sometimes I challenge him (always a very bad idea with an N). Anyway, he just piled it on and I started crying. I told him, "What you're saying to me is very hurtful and I want you to stop it now."

I felt as though all the joy just drained out of the job.

I also felt shame and self-loathing and all I could see in the mirror were Nspots. Some of his criticisms were valid and some just MEAN. He put me down for two things I CANNOT do because of my slipped disc, implying that they always have to "work around me." I felt old, vulnerable, and deeply unappreciated.

I have made him a ton of money this year and have increased his business a lot...I found 14 new dealers in about 10 new states. Corresponded with them, set up the contacts, and now we even have a dealer in L.A., thanks to my efforts. Once, in front of me, he asked his wife how many new dealers she thought we should acquire in a year and she said, 12? I'd gotten 14! So he says, 20.

It just sank in that I'll never be valued ... I think it may be a woman issue. Anyway, the whole thing made me so upset I left the place thinking I wanted to buy a bottle of booze. I did buy beer (had my single one).

Depressing. It's all coming apart and every evening I go watch my Mom's brains slip another inch down the drain, while she tells me she wants to come home (which I can't make happen, so far).

 

Thanks for listening.
love,
Hops

[write]

Hi Hops,

I must have missed something, when did you get a N Boss?
I was away for a while...

It just sank in that I'll never be valued ... I think it may be a woman issue.

read that back very slowly, in a different context.

Who is the woman who needs to value you?

You have juggled and managed a tremendous amount, but don't feel any resentment to the boss-man for not appreciating you, it's his loss, because those skills you used and enhanced whilst you were growing his business will be what you take with you when you are able to leave and apply them to making the money and having the fulfillment for yourself.

One beer won't hurt- well done for not diving into any more.

You need a good night's sleep and some self-care, and stop worrying about your mum, one day at a time, that's all we can work on sometimes.
Things will get better, you don't feel it tonight but you've done a wonderful job of keeping it all together.

Today is a day for eating potato chips, snuggling up to watch tv with hot cocoa, letting it all go for an hour or so.
I'm going to have a long bath eat pitta bread and garlic hummus ( sorry Laura- tomorrow's another day for me too! ) and forget about everything for tonight, hope you do the same.

Much love
~Write

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Write.
Thanks very much.

I do need to stop wanting him to value me.

(He's my boss at my happy -- well, formerly happy -- new job. I pegged him as an N early on, but it's so damn hard to keep my guard up all day long, and we sit directly opposite each other in close quarters. I just let it slip. Challenging him was a mistake...all glory goes to him and I really did crave some praise.)

I feel like a twit.

love,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))


you know better. you really and truly do.

You are absolutely priceless and I pray that assurance will settle so deeply into your heart and mind that it cannot be shaken.

All my love,
Carolyn

[Bella_French]

Dear Hopalong,

I am so sorry. Those comments WERE very mean, and his `kitchen sick' style of attacking you was most unprofessional and unappreciative. I have also worked with many N'sih people, with different levels of involvement in my work. They were all different, but could be very taxing. I left my last job because of an N boss.

The only positive I can pull out of the situation you described, is N's tend not to mean what they say. They use words, any words, to get the reaction they want at that moment. They can change their tune overnight; its weird. He might be perfectly fine tomorrow.

Hops you are `good' and you are valuable. I adore you, Hops, our wonderful gifted, Hops.

love and many hugs to you

X bella

[teartracks]

Hi again Hops,

I'm worrying about your not getting enough sleep.  Being insomniac, I've tried just about everything, including Ambien. 

Have you tried earplugs?  I sleep much better wearing earplugs.  Just a thought.

tt

[Hopalong]

Hi Carolyn, Bella, Izzy, TT...

It's 4 a.m. TA DA! Wide awake.
I slept for about 3 hours.

I took melatonin, which helped me finally drop off, but only for a few hours.

TT, thank you especially for suggesting I need not go every night...it does make for a long day at the store, then charging home to let out my poor lonely dog (who's really saddening me, she's never been alone for such long stretches and it's really affecting her) and then out again to lug a bunch of things over to the nursing home, where I stay for about 15-30 minutes and feel guilty when I leave.

Tonight the roads were beginning to ice a little and I jumped on the excuse not to go.

Amazing how fast things can go downhill. My new 2nd hand refrigerator broke last night.

Uggh. I'll stop whining.

love
Hops

[axa]

Hi Hops,

Sorry to hear you have to deal with such a rude man.  Guess if he is an N it is par for the course and not personal.........I know, I know, easy for me to say that, I don't have to listen to him.  I guess putting your Nguard up is the only thing possible right now.  It has been such a long time since I worked for anyone I cannot remember the difficulty but I do remember humiliation and it seems this was his goal.  Here is what you would say to me (I think)... He cannot humiliate you unless you allow it....so I am for Hops taking care of Hops and being able to see the Nboss for what he is.  It sounds to me like you could do with some really good caretaking right now.  Sadly we will always encounter rude people in our lives but learning to deal with them, when you can't walk away is the key..... but you know all this.

If I was there with you, the question I would be asking is  When did you last do something fun/spiritual/pamering etc for you......  Hops I get exhausted when I think of what you get through each day.  I was a carer for years and that was for someone who adored me and me her and it was exhausting and frustrating.  Be gentle with yourself.  Bossman sounds like an angry rude man who picks on who he perceives as the vulnerable, what he may not know is there is an Amazon hidden beneath.

Hugs hugs, wish I could run a bath for you with lots of lavender and candles.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

axa

[gratitude28]

Hops,
I adored my old job, and, when my boss got tired and grumpy, he would light into me... and I remember a few times when I was literally ready to walk out due to his belligerance. These times were few, but deeply painful to me as I work very hard and am extremely efficient and dedicated.
I can say, after a bit under a year has passed since leaving my job, I can see that his criticisms were due to his stress and not really aimed at me. It doesn't make it right, but, overall, I retain pleasant memories of the job and a knowledge I did well there. I qlso challenged him when he became like that, and it scared/pained me to do so.
I guess my point is that there are always a few bad days, but they will pass and wok will be a nice haven again soon. Try to shrug it off as much as possible and know you are doing a good job.
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Dear Hops - What a difficult place you are in.  I was saddened when you first posted that your new boss was an N.  I was thinking what CB wrote when I first read your post - that the N smells the  "hurting" and the vulnerability like a shark smells blood.

Even though you know not to take his comments to heart that is not enough when you are low.  You need to not only be valued you need to feel valued, to be told that you are valued to be nurtured.  We all need this.  I have begun to understand this in a very clear way - that growing up in N FOO leaves us darkly, darkly alone emotionally.  People who grew up in supportive families can flourish from that support.  We simply are left to imagine it.

Yes it's true that you can assess the truth about how valuable you are to the business but had you had a nurturing mother or were you in a nurturing situation in life you could draw on that nurturing - having to draw up that nurtuing from ex nihilo is extremely difficult on a good day and next to impossible in bad times.

No wonder you are down - don't expect too much from yourself right now and definitely give yourself a break from trips to the nursing home.  You are depleted yourself.

All my thoughts of encouragement to you - GS

[sun blue]

Hi Hop:

I'm so very sorry you have such a narcissistic, obnoxious boss.  You certainly don't deserve that kind of treatment.  You are SOOO much better than that.

Llike the others here have said, try to remember that those nasty comments are all about HIM, not you.  His extreme insecurity is coming out when he says those mean things.  Of course, you are doing a fantastic job.  The only way people like him can feel better about themselves is to diminish others, to talk down to them, belittle their achievements.  Don't let him do it.  Try to regard him for what he is.  He does not deserve your respect and you do not need his approval.

If you cannot leave this situation, they try to motivate yourself by telling yourself that all your accomplishments are valued in the marketplace.  Re-work your resume and add these accomplishments to the list.  I asssure you other employers will value these kinds of accomplishments.  Maybe 3ven a competitor?

I'm very sorry about your mom.  What a very stressfun and painful situation.  My heart breaks for you.  Do your best to take life one day at a time right now.  Remember how cared for and valued you are.  You are doing so much, and in such trying circumstances.

Be good to yourself and remember this ugly boss of yours doesn't diserve an inch of your respect or attention.  You are far better than he is..

[Iphi]

I am so, so sorry Hops!    Ugh - isn't it just like an N to brag about success without attributing it to the person who created it??  And instead trashes on you for unrelated stuff and never appreciates you?  The person who created the succes - That person is YOU.  YOU brought in the business and that brought in the money and that is the Bottom Line. 

If you ask me, he is feeling threatened by how well you are doing and afraid you could leave and so he is undermining you and performing "psy ops" on you so that you won't believe in yourself/ value yourself properly and will stay.  It could be that because you are valuable so as an N he wants to chain you up like the golden goose.  I hope you will try to find a space of cynical distance on his motives on this one.  I know it hurts and is shaming feeling, but I suspect him of the most coldly manipulative, self-interested motives based on the money you have made him and that you say he is N.  It's bound to be all about him.  The worse he treats you perhaps the better your job prospects elsewhere!

You did such a good job on finding new dealers and expanding into new states.  I am so impressed by your initiative, drive, perseverance and success.  You are a wonderful asset to any enterprise!  You really know how to get things done.  It's tremendous and I would love to be a team member of yours because you are clearly a real driver of success.  With those kind of skills and abilities, you would be a welcome addition to any number of teams and you will always be able to find a paycheck.  I'd love to see you be a part of a team that properly appreciated you.  I'd love to see you appreciate yourself.

What about Whole Foods?  You are involved with promotion of a green product yes?  I just always see them listed on lists of great companies to work for....

I am sorry your mom is in the nursing home; I missed the posts where this was described.  Your faithfulness is a true virtue and I admire you deeply for it and honor the long road you are on.  I think a night off for icy roads is very reasonable.  A night of for sanity and self-care is also reasonable!

You are lovely Hops and economically valuable also!

[Leah]

Dear Hops,

It truly warms my heart to come onto the board and * see * all the wonderful caring, loving, support.

Please know that you are in my thoughts.

Mr Bossman, I sense, had been storing that up for some time, and chose to wait for an opportunity that was best, for him!

As in your current personal overload, and understandable lack of energy.

You know this was a blip based on your competent history, and excellent dedication to your role, in finding new clients.

You know the reason why.

He had most likely been simmering this up for sometime, waiting his chance to pounce, in your vulnerable tiredness.  It's about him.

Love to you,

Leah x

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
 I wrote another post ,but erased it . What my take on it is, and I could be wrong,is that your boss really,really values you,but got defensive and lashed out when he thought that you were challenging him.
  I am not addressing the N factor,now. It seems like you were happy with your job,before.
 It seems like he was "paying you back" for ''making" him feel badly about himself.
 I am quite sure that the bad feelings between you and him will fade,in time.
 I would not challenge him, unless absolutely necessary.IME, most disagreements are not worth "dying on that hill", so to speak. That is what I have discovered from dying on TOO many hills(lol)
 Compost what does not fit.                    Ami

[teartracks]

Hops,

Just wanted you to know you are loved right now as you are on the job.  I hope the tension is off from yesterday. 

I understand about your little pooch.  Mine almost had a nervous breakdown when I took him North for a month.  He is old and loves his pad.  While away, he didn't want me out of his sight and was real clingy.  He has never been a lap dog, but was then. 

Please take yourself off that seven days a week hook of going by to see Ma.  Take going to see her out of the mix a few evenings a week.  There is nothing wrong with you doing that and in my mind you shouldn't feel guilty about doing it.

Have you tried Roserem as a sleep aid?  It's built around Melatonin I think.  Also, when I wake up in the wee hours, I find if I have a glass of water by the bed and take Aleve, it helps me get back to sleep.  I so sympathize with your problems with sleep.

Caring,

tt