Narcisstic Fiance - Need help trying to leave

[Certain Hope]

Dear Elaine,

No one of us here on this earth can fix another human being... and we've all suffered the pains of abuse, neglect, trauma, etc., to varying degrees. We can't love another person enough to change them... or put up with enough of their bad behavior to convince them that we'll stay, so they can let down their guard against us... it just doesn't work that way. That's like a fairy tale way of thinking... and I know, because I used to think that way.

The best, most honest and helpful thing we can do for another human being is reflect to them the truth of the impact of their behavior upon us. With a person who has the ability to engage in relationship - - he will see our boundaries and limits and either learn to respect them or walk away. But with an NPD person... well, he never sees you in the first place. I mean, literally... he cannot see you - not as an individual with needs and hurts and desires; only as a reflection of all that he despises... within his own self!  You're invisible to him, Elaine... and if you try to remain close to him, you will become invisible to yourself.

I'm sorry. That's the truth.

Love,
Carolyn

[Elaine1966]

Thanks Carolyn and Laura, you helped me to get through those last thoughts.  Everyone has been so insightful and helpful during this dark time for me.  I told my counselor about all your great advice which she was so pleased and said you are all RIGHT!  I am going to start journaling tonight and make that chart, sounds like a great idea.  I will keep you posted as to my progress as your thoughts and words are so helpful to me.

Take care,
Elaine

[Gaining Strength]

Certain Hope - you have capture the essense of life with a Narcissist.   Thanks for your post.  - Yours = GS

[Certain Hope]

Hugs to you, Elaine... you can break free of the magnetic pull.

That pull is within you, you know...  the one you're lonely for is yourself.
Even the most emotionally healthy person in the world cannot make any one of us feel fulfilled and complete... because that's not what they're designed to do...
any more than we're designed to do that for another.

Cheering you on over here.

With love,
Carolyn

(((((((Gaining Strength))))))) you're welcome.

[axa]

Elaine,

Wishing you strength and courage,

axa

[Elaine1966]

Axa, Carolyn and everyone else,
Thank you so much.  Your support helps me tremendously.  I really need it right now as the magnetic force is fierce right now, especially with it being the week of Valentines Day.

Hugs back to you,
Elaine

[axa]

Elaine,

I am being my own valentine this year and you know what I like it.........no tantrums, no drama, no withholding, no abuse, no games........ there is a lot to be said for it!

xxx

axa

[reallyME]

Being a minister, soon to be ordained (yay), I want to add to what Certain Hope said, by saying "the One you are lonely for is God" but, another time, another place

[Elaine1966]

Laura,
Your so right. I was very involved in my church and for the past 4 months, with all the stress, I have drifted away.  You know, now is when I need him most, and I have pulled away.  I just haven't had the drive to get up and go, but I know that must change.  Thanks for reminding me of that!

Congratulations to you, you will be a great source of love and hope for many!

Axa, Happy Valentines Day.....you have a great day.   I must remember...I need to show love to the one who counts the most..."My self!"

[reallyME]

Hey Elaine, I'm going to toss something out here that might ruffle some Christian feathers, but I want to say that my urge for people to attend church, has more to do with them being with others in person, than it does with a relationship between them and God.

Let me clarify.  To be honest with you, the relationship between you and God needs to come from the home base, not from a building of others.  I do not attend church so I can find God.  I've found Him already and I take His Spirit with me when I go, ready to have something to share.  Church is needed so that you have people who will come up to you and ask how you are doing and make sure to help you over the rough points in life.  I think this is where those who are against the Christians, don't maybe "get" what many of us are about. 

The filling station should be in your prayer closet, not in the deposit station of church.

My view

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Hi Elaine,

Valentine's Day is a nasty, teeth-rotting, rosebush-chopping conspiracy invented to shoot arrows through the hearts of the lonely.

I will hoist a chocolate bar to you, and send you strength for your separateness.
(Which you must maintain in a relationship or not.)

love,
Hopalong

[Elaine1966]

Hopalong,
You crack me up!  I read your post and just died laughing.  Thanks for putting a smile on my face today!

Elaine

[Leah]

Hear Hear (((( Hops ))))

Big consumeristic con.

"Happy NON Valentines Day" 

Leah x


PS >  Seriously, I have always felt that being; loving, kind and caring -- should be 365 days of the year -- not just 1 day of the year !!