The Struggle to Feel OK When Everything Outside Tells You that You are Not

[Ami]

I am ,simply ,hurting. I see many things that I have not seen, clearly. The most painful is how I have been so denuded inside,like a nuclear wasteland. I had to throw away my trust in myself, confidence in my perceptions, confidence in my feelings,little by little until I was  almost a zombie.
  I had a moment of clarity, yesterday, when I realized that s/one had taken advantage of my emotional weakness in order to exploit me. I saw myself in their eyes and I was a pitiful character, a person without an anchor,someone who had lost trust in their essential worth and was  empty.
 I talk to my M ,on the phone  every day. I hear her voice,waiting to 'get"me, expose me, show me HOW I am doing it(life, thinking,percieving  being,) wrong,how she is going to tell me (pitiful, incompetent me) HOW to do it right.
  I was trained  in the school of "throw yourself away b/c you are bad" and I am a graduate .
   With passing time, I feel that I get  worse and worse, more denuded and self denying.
  I was told I was 'bad" and I believe it, down deep.
  I see my marriage. I saw it clearly ,tonight. My H is waiting to get me. How could I have descended so far down? It was little by little. I lost my son, through weakness,on my part,but I was too beaten down to climb up.
  I don't know if anyone can relate or even understand what I am saying.
  I guess that I just feel really empty, disconnected from myself, despairing of ever really getting there and  tired of trying,.     Ami

 
 

[Iphi]

(((Ami)))  It sounds like you could really use some comforting tonight sweetie.  Hugs to you.

[Iphi]

I have another thought.  Your Mom and your husband are wrong.  Whatever they show you about yourself is just a distorted funhouse image of themselves for their messed up own purposes.

Right now I am in a place where I don't listen to my dad tell me anything about myself.  But right now today I am not vulnerable and hurting like you are Ami.  When I was vulnerable and hurting I used to turn to him for comfort and support and he would let me know about how weak and incapable and foolish and incompetent I was, under the guise of sympathy.  That was probably one of the most friendly ways we related.  I hated to give it up.  I hated to give up my belief in my weakness and incompetence because it meant giving up what was closest to love in our relationship. 

But he's just full of it. He can't see me at all. 

My point:  The things telling you that you are not OK are not, themselves, OK.

[Hopalong]

Ami.

Who can you find in addition to Ann?
Someone in your city.
Someone kind and compassionate.

Have you been to a support group yet?
(I know you've done therapy in the past and rejected it, but you've never done a post-loss-of-child-to-suicide group.
I can only imagine it will be a radically different thing because you will be in it, not apart, not worse or better than anyone there, just in the same pain and needing no more and no less than anyone else is needing.)

AND NEITHER YOUR HUSBAND NOR YOUR MOTHER WOULD NEED TO BE THERE.

That's what I'm wishing for you.
Company and comfort, in 2-D.

Not only Maria. Or Ann. Or Mimi.

Some more-than-one 3D person, there, regularly.

love,
Hops

[teartracks]

Dear Ami,

I had a moment of clarity, yesterday, when I realized that s/one had taken advantage of my emotional weakness in order to exploit me. I saw myself in their eyes and I was a pitiful character, a person without an anchor,someone who had lost trust in their essential worth and was  empty.

No one has the authority to impart these feelings to you Ami.  I know it is hard to claw your way out of the place you're in, but you can do it.  You can do it. 

I so much want you to find someone who can help you stop the hemmoraging and help you begin to deal with the awful pain inside of you.  No one should have to walk through what you are alone.

I wish I could be of greater comfort.

Sincerely,

tt

 

[Leah]

I had a moment of clarity, yesterday, when I realized that s/one had taken advantage of my emotional weakness in order to exploit me. I saw myself in their eyes and I was a pitiful character, a person without an anchor,someone who had lost trust in their essential worth and was  empty.

Dear (((((((( Ami )))))))))

Please do not let whoever it was define you in such a way.

No-one should impart words, or feelings into you, at any time, in such a way, more so, right now.

When are you meeting with Ann?  This weekend?   I do hope so.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thank you so much for your caring responses Iphi,Lollie,Hops, TT and Leah,
  I was so hoping that you  would help me. I am going to get in a 3D support group,as you suggested. I have found some grief groups,as well.
 What got me in to a painful spot was "seeing" how my H treats me, with a clarity, as if blinders fell off. He sat ,next to me, waiting to pick a fight b/c I did not give him the "right" answer to a question. He waited and waited and then picked the fight. I see this as a microcosm of my relationship with him. I see my M as an assailant waiting to jump out of a bush and knife me--bleh.
 Then, I saw the other person ,with a clarity.
 I guess I saw MYSELF with a clarity and my life and the outgrowths of my choices, being a victim, with a clarity. Then, what happened on the board,pushed me a little further down,in to seeing Scott as another outgrowth of my being a victim.
  It all is "good",in a way. I am facing deep issues ,in myself.
  I had a good cry and was hoping that you would write words of encouragement for me and you did. Thank you so much.Love   Ami
 

[Ami]

I guess that you do NOT feel ok  when you had to be perfect(NM) and could not be, no matter how hard you tried.Then, you think you are "bad" and see everythingi n life through that lens.So, you hide, become a false self and believe that you ARE bad, down deep.
Now, I have to face all the parts of me that are there. I guess that they  are there,in everyone.What do you think?
 To be a "together"  person,you have to be honest about what you are feeling and who you are,I would think.Then, you have to face life ,honestly.
 I got this "impression" as the way to heal, a few weeks ago. It hit me as a "knowing" that if I could do this, I would heal and be whole.           Ami

[Leah]

Dear (((( Ami ))))

What has happened just lately, seems to have knocked you back in your healing.

Which is most saddening.  However, you can grab it back.

When is your next meeting with Ann?

Could Ann recommend a grief support group to you?

Thoughts of you.

Love, Leah

[Gaining Strength]

Ami, I don't know how I missed this thread last night.  I want you to know that the grieving process is a very up and down one.  One day you thing you can handle the pain and then the next day you are knocked off you feet again and that sort of spirals into a depression for that.

Remember, I told you early on, the way I was able to stop beating myself up, stop the self-criticism about not doing better was that I relied on the analogy of having been run over by a freight train or a semi-truck.  If it had been physical rather than grief, then I would not have expected myself to be better.  I would have expected to be in the hospital for MONTHS and then in therapy for months just learning to re-walk - the very basics.  But with grief we expect too much too soon from ourselves and we tend to feel that others expect that as well.  Whether they do or not is not the issue.  The issue is to know how much to expect from ourselves.  You are just at the beginning.  You are just at the point that you are becoming conscious of what has happened.  You are at the stage where the numbness of the shock is just beginning to wear off and this is when the real pain kicks in.

Just like after a dental operation.  You know what has been done and you can feel it but the novacaine really deadens the sever throbbing.  We your novacaine is wearing off.  You must be patient and you must be caring for yourself.  It is a slow process.  You will survive and you will be stronger in the end but you must be kind to yourself along the way, very, very kind and nurturing to yourself. - your friend - GS

[Ami]

Thank you, GS. You said it all, in that post. I "forgot" your words in my confusion. Thank you,GS.          Love    Ami

[nogadge]

hey ami,
 just read your thread....except for the part regarding your mother, I echo your words. I haven't lost my son, yet.  I have to accept his choice to be with his father when he turns 18 in about a month.  It's what he needs for himself, and I have to accept and restpect his decision.  It is really hard for me to let him go.
It has taken me so many years to stop decieving myself to the truth about my ex van and what I let happen to me.  In a weird sort of way closing my eyes seems to work for me.  Then I can block out the ugliness of what I have infront of me and exhaling them with a couple of breaths seems to lessen the impact of stuff..  I then choose to open my eyes to more light and warmth than the self anguishing pain I am all to willing to inflict on myself.  I'm finding I can begin to forgive myself.  I may have choosen not to see, but my ex didn't have the right to wrong me the way he did.  That was his choice, and atleast I am beginning to look within myself for who I am, not who I let myself be turned into.
Lifes is so full of mistakes, please be kind to yourself and as understanding with yourself as you have tried to be with others.  It's amazing just how resilient we can be if we let our self be who we are instead of someone elses' failure
Keep your pma and gods' beautiful spirit in you
nogadge
 

[nogadge]

Ami,
I understand all to well what you are going thru.  We do belong to the same loss club.  I have looked, in vain, for nearly 20 years to find words to express how it feels. and I still don't have them. Just know I do understand how it feels X2.  1st in '88, and again in '92.  Please know you are not alone, and you have many, many unspoken partners.  There are many experiences we share as parents, but this is the one experience of parenting I never wanted to  share with anyone.  It is the prayer I pray in vain, knowing it is the one that will never be answered, or granted, that others be spared knowing.
Yes, it really does soften with time. 
nogadge

[Overcomer]

Cliches are usually right even if they sound so cliche!  Time heals all wounds.  Think back to things that happened to you long ago that have eased.  My divorce hurt A LOT but I am ok.  Bad things happen and they get easier-never lose the pain-only soften it.  You take as much time as your body and mind need to heal-I will never tell you to get over it!

[nogadge]

You are so right, overcomer.  It is something you never get over, you go thru it. I dont' think It anything you can handle, contol or deal with.  You just kind of go thru where ever it takes you , when evr it hits you. you just let it run its course,  for how ever long it takes for you to as you're running its courses.  The length of time is different for each and everyone of us.... what we each go thru is our own, and no on elses.  Some we choose to share, but some we come to cherish as our own, that we carress with loving care.  nogadge