Ignoring my gut - safe people

[axa]

This thread is an off shoot from the safe people thread.

When I encounter new people I prefer to make my own mind up as to whether they feel safe or not.  When someone gives an opinion on the "new" person I tend to file it away but wait to see what my own experience brings.  I am not comfortable relying on someone elses opinion, even if I trust them because we all see the world through our own lenses.  What I do find interesting though is that often my gut instinct is spot on with regard to how these "new" people fit or don't fit in my life.........apologies if my language is not accurate but struggling a bit for words here. 

My difficulty is, and this is old stuff, that I try and override my gut feeling with rationalisation e.g....... nobody is perfect, must not do black and white thinking, must not be judgemental etc and my experience is I overcompensate for others.  It is as if I have an expectation that everyone is struggling on their journey to learn and develop into more mature and healthier adults.  And this is not true.  Many people are on this journey, including myself, but my experience is that there are so many who just want what they want at anyones expense and somehow I keep forgetting this.  I know that many see me as a pain in the a.. which really does not bother me as I am living my life but I have difficulty seeing that others have completely different motivations in life e.g. wealth, property etc.......... This feels like quite young thinking on my part.

I would like to discuss this if I am making myself clear.

axa

[ann3]

Hello Axa,

Yes, you are very clear.

My difficulty is, and this is old stuff, that I try and override my gut feeling with rationalisation e.g....... nobody is perfect, must not do black and white thinking, must not be judgemental etc and my experience is I overcompensate for others.  It is as if I have an expectation that everyone is struggling on their journey to learn and develop into more mature and healthier adults.  And this is not true.  Many people are on this journey, including myself, but my experience is that there are so many who just want what they want at anyones expense and somehow I keep forgetting this.  I know that many see me as a pain in the a.. which really does not bother me as I am living my life but I have difficulty seeing that others have completely different motivations in life e.g. wealth, property etc.......... This feels like quite young thinking on my part.

I know what you're talking about.  May I suggest you read the book?  It's a pretty qucik read and full of good stuff.  It changed my life in that now I am not as afraid to meet new people.  This book is my compass and will help me decide if someone is safe.  I also used to ignore my gut and over rationalize, but no more.  I'm going to use this book as a litmus test for seeing if someone is safe.

[teartracks]

Hi axa,

I think you expressed your thoughts with clarity.  Can't respond now.  Just wanted to tell you that I think I understand where you're going with your post.

Safe People is one of my favorite 'how to' books.  Cloud wrote one entitled Integrity.  Equally helpful to me.  It might interface with Safe People nicely to help you work the remaining questions you have.  

Affectionately,

tt

[axa]

Thank you both for your posts.................and now onto amazon.

xxx

axa

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

You make good sense to me. I've talked with friends about this... from the standpoint of our various buttons, you know?

Some folks push my buttons, but others take no issue... and vice versa.

But that's not the end-all of it. Sometimes it's not only my buttons which need fixing, mending, adjusting. In fact, sometimes my buttons are right on target.

Maybe I am oversensitive in one area. But I have different frames of reference now, too... for instance, one person can call me hon, or sweetie, and I don't feel a bit patronized... but when that comes out of the mouth of another, I want to slap her... lol.

The buttons are just cues... not right or wrong... and as with everything, it's all about context.
Yikes, I'm not making sense of this, this morning, but what I'm trying to say is that another person's lack of sensitivity to an individual's poor character and lack of integrity may simply mean that person feels strong enough to manage without being threatened. In no way does it mean that the individual is "safe".  So... "Betty", for instance, may feel sorry for "Susie" (even though Susie is very unsafe) because Susie reminds Betty of her beloved auntie... and therefore Betty feels familiar with Susie, not threatened, and willing to take alot more grief from her than I, for instance, might be.

Sorry that is a mish mash... but quite often, I do think that "safe" is in the eye of the beholder.

Love,
Carolyn

[axa]

Thanks Carolyn,

I sometimes think I want answers that leave no room for doubt - bad person/good person whereas this is again young thinking.  I think you are right safety is in the eye of the beholder.  I feel like someone from another planet I am so cautious now.  I realise I am very mistrustful and my thoughts overly critical which of course keep me a safe distance from people.  Finding words difficult to describe how I feel.

xxx

axa

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

I do understand. As you get to feeling stronger within yourself and less "on the verge"... (and I do believe this comes via lack of contact with those people who so deeply wounded us)...  that's when I think it becomes okay for people to be gray, or polka dotted, or obnoxious parrot green with jealous pink stripes, or all sorts of different combinations of traits and characteristics... not just N or Not N, bad or good.  Today I was able to poke a little joke at the extremely annoying woman at work and laugh... nothing sarcastic or mean, just silliness... and then walk away. Amazing how liberating that was. And I survived... lol.

It's really hard to break out of that all or nothing thinking, but surrounding ourselves with people who don't go out of their way to push our buttons is a great place to begin.
I am absolutely positive that you'll continue to grow stronger in all areas.... absolutely.

God bless you,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Bean, that's it... preferences. Never allowed. Express one and prepare to be shamed abundantly. Always felt guilty if one reared its head. Oh, how rebellious of me. Thank God I never did that to my kids. It was one lesson I learned well.

((((((((((Bean))))))))))) it's good to read you.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, daily.

Love,
Carolyn