N Spots

[Ami]

That really helps ,Hops. Maybe,I can "rack" my brain and think of more(lol). It does help to get them out in to the open.                                                                                Ami

[teartracks]

Dear Ami,

You had so much emotional stuff going on before.  Add to that Scott's death.  Everything has fallen in on you.  It is, I know, almost more than any human could be expected to endure.  Anything I can offer you seems so small in comparison to the affliction you are under.  Today, the only thing I can say that might be a comfort or have any wisdom is, take one moment at a time.  Don't feel compelled to figure things out immediately.  Edit in:  Be open to Him and allow God's wisdom to  flow to you as He wills.   

Much love,

tt

[Ami]

OK,
  I am lazy ,on a lot of things.My H does all the papers and I should do more. I was not lazy on taking care of the kids, though.(I have to toot my own horn ,a little-lol)
 Often,I wait for my H to do things, like renew licenses etc b/c I am simply lazy.
 The less I do, the less I want to do. I fall in to inertia very easily where I just leave things ,like closets overflowing(lol),papers that need to be thrown out, tasks that need to be done.
  I think that it is an emotional block to owning my life.. It might be part of feeling like I cannot "move" forward for my own greater "good".
 It might be not seizing my own power. I don't know all the reasons. Can anyone relate?     Ami
 
 

[teartracks]

Dear Hops,

the more I am in touch with compassion for myself, the less my Nspots act up 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

From God's mouth to our ears via Hops keyboard (or something like that)!   

Love,

tt

[Ami]

Thank you TT,
  I did not see your other post. I feel low energy...I guess it is the weight of "grief" on me. Last night,I had a "sense(from God, I think) that Scott is fine and I  can go forward and it is not "disrespectful" to Scott's memory if I "live".
  I know that" survivors' of close relatives deaths   must  know what I mean. I feel that God gave me the' impression" that I CAN heal and go on. However,my body is very "beat".
 GS said that there is a physical part to grief and this is probably it.I ,also, have been fighting the flu, which I have 'beat" ,but it tries to get back in.
  My M put fear of sickness in me, so I have THIS ,on top of everything else(lol).
I am a work in progress(lol).
  Thanks for being so kind to me TT, from my first ,tentative posts ,on the board.     Love   Ami

[Ami]

I want to go back to  N spots and ask a question. It is,"So, once you SEE an N spot, what do you do with it?"IOW, now that
 you see that you have a "defect", what do you do?
  I know that this question may sound strange,but I am serious about it.                      Ami

[Gabben]

I want to go back to  N spots and ask a question. It is,"So, once you SEE an N spot, what do you do with it?"IOW, now that
 you see that you have a "defect", what do you do?
  I know that this question may sound strange,but I am serious about it.                      Ami

Ami -- in AA we say that "self cannot overcome self."   Recall we believe that God will restore us to sanity. God helps us heal but we will not heal unless we take action. Which for us A's means making amends or cleaning up our wrongs. Admitting to people exactly what we did and acknowledging their pain. Also, admitting our mistakes to a safe other.

Recall that the Catholic Church has Confession and then Penance which is really like the AA steps in our 5th step and then the 9th step for amends.

In between the 5th step and the 9th step we have the 6th and 7th steps which are about asking God to remove our shortcomings.

You do not have to be an alcoholic to practice the principals behind the 12 steps...they are universal spiritual principals such as courage, faith, honesty, selflessness etc.


Here:

The 12 Steps
1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of   His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[Gabben]

The 12 steps are written in a specific order and must be taken in order with absolute thoroughness (all steps) in oder for them to work and bring about drastic psychic change -- Or, God's restoring us to sanity.

I often say to my sponsees: "If you want to change a drastic problem then you have apply a drastic course of action. That is exactly what the 12 steps are -- drastic.

Why do you think that so many people avoid the steps or look for the easier softer way in life?

Matthew 7:13-21
enter by the narrow gate, since the road that leads to destruction is wide and spacious, and many take it; but it is a narrow gate and a hard road that leads to life, and only a few find it.'

[Ami]

I thnik that I have to admit my "faults" to a safe other. I called Ann to see if I could have a phone appointment. What has happened with Scott's death is that I have ALL this stuff that I needed to heal ,anyway, and THEN Scott's death ,on top of it.
  It feels like I MUST deal with the stuff under it, first,almost as if the stuff under needs to go ,as the foundation to the other. Anyway, I DO need a 3D counselor, for sure.
 I see that,now.Probably, I need to go back to Al Anon, too. Thanks ,Lise for your help. I appreciate it.         

[Leah]

I thnik that I have to admit my "faults" to a safe other. I called Ann to see if I could have a phone appointment. What has happened with Scott's death is that I have ALL this stuff that I needed to heal ,anyway, and THEN Scott's death ,on top of it.
  It feels like I MUST deal with the stuff under it, first,almost as if the stuff under needs to go ,as the foundation to the other. Anyway, I DO need a 3D counselor, for sure.
        

((((((( Ami ))))))) so glad to see, all of it, Gods wisdom flowing through you, for you, like living water.           Love, Leah x

[teartracks]

Dear Ami,

I want to go back to  N spots and ask a question. It is,"So, once you SEE an N spot, what do you do with it?"IOW, now that
you see that you have a "defect", what do you do?
I know that this question may sound strange,but I am serious about it.    

Short answer - get back to the basics.  

tt



          

[Ami]

 I wish I could "just" grieve,but it feels like I have so much UNDER the grief that is making the grief so much worse.
  That seems to be the problem.
  I was dealing with the stuff ,under the grief,before Scott died. Now, I have  all the "underneath" stuff, which seems like it wants to come out, AND the grief.
 I WILL dig my way out of it. I will use this pain ,as a way to heal the foundation and then, of course, the recent pain---bleh.
    Love to you, TT               Ami

[teartracks]

Hi Ami,

It feels like I MUST deal with the stuff under it, first,almost as if the stuff under needs to go ,as the foundation to the other.

This has been my experience as well Ami.   I can only speak from my own experience, but it would have been impossible for me to deal with the weak foundational issues of my life (the legacy of a terribly wounded childhood) and grieve the death of my boys at the same time.  The first set of emotional circumstances you faced were and are extremely complex.  That coupled with Scotts death makes the mix feel far more complex.  If you are feeling guilty about this, I encourage you not to.  That you are able to speak so candidly about it is very courageous.  I should tell you too that often you will feel like there are so many balls in the air that you can't juggle any longer and that it feels like your arms will fall off.   

You were in a difficult process before Scott's death.  That process continues, but now there is a huge black cloud of grief that hangs over it all.  The process you are in, both the voicelessness and the grieving of Scott's death won't follow a straight line.  You will regularly experience answers and surprises along the path.  Just keep at it at whatever speed you can muster.   Ami, no one on this board has stood in your shoes.  I haven't.   Ultimately the answers reside in you.  They will surface in a variety of ways and not all at once.  But they will come, some in still quiet moments with God.  Some will come as if screaming  in anguished moments and hours.  Some will come with the aid of good counselors.   

Take care.

Love,

tt



 

[Ami]

Thank you,TT.
  I wrote my past post before I read yours. For me, expressing myself ,in writing, and hopefully being read(lol) and responded to, is a very,big healer for me. It has been a  big tool for healing for me,up until this point and will continue, I think.
  Once I can share s/thing, and hopefully ,get feedback, I feel a sense of 'leaving some of it". Often,I can see an answer JUST by the expression.
  On the N spots thread, I realized that I needed to share N spots with Ann. .Maybe, they are 'nothing", which I think is the case. Maybe they ARE something,but then I will express them and learn to deal with them
  Thanks for all your care and love,TT.      Ami

[Certain Hope]

Perhaps your empathy turns off at times, or is on flicker instead of reliable. That would seem like a natural consequence of having a severly N-istic parent, I think. Even though many children of Ns have kind spirits most of the time, I think the connectedness, the flow that normally happens between people who love each other, keeps shorting out.

Hops

Dear Hops,

Thank you for this. I believe it's true... almost a form of selective empathy.  In my own reading on the topic, I came up with one simple statement out of which I think the rest of my own answers will come...  "We have empathy for those whom we consider vulnerable."

So now I'm asking myself...  if I don't feel genuine empathy for particular people, why is it that I don't see them as vulnerable? Is it because I'm too angry with them to relate at that level? Or too afraid? Or... is it simply because I don't view self-obsessed people who never show a bit of authentic concern for me as an individual - to be valid recipients of empathy?  And if it's the latter, is that based on pride or my own self-preoccupied concerns?      Maybe it's like being a friend. In order to have a friend you need to be a friend. In order to receive empathy, you should expect to have to give it... and not the gushy sort, either... the kind that's willing to get down into the trenches. (generic "you" there, not you, Hops).

Anyhow, thanks!

Love,
Carolyn