Empathy - Interesting Abstract

[Hopalong]

How did the counselor explain it, Leah?

Do you mean the counselor said, somebody else has a wet blanket, and feels a compulsion to throw it on anybody else's glow?

I get that...

Hops

[gratitude28]

tt,
This may sound a bit warped... but I think people express empathy towards bad situations because in those cases they feel they NEED to. Even Ns know they have to pretend to be sorry if something bad happens among an acquaintance. I think it is almost like a prejudice - when you feel differently towards a race, you may treat people of that race especially nicely - in itself a prejudice. Likewise, in your fear, you might want to feel empathy because you think you should. With joyful events, you are assured the person is OK. With sadness, you may feel a need to fill a space - for your own comfort and theirs (depending on the level of true empathy). Does this make any sense to you?
Love, Beth

[Leah]

My thoughts and view in life;

Put yourself in another person's shoes;

>  Rejoice with them when they have a voice, heart, of glad tidings/news

>  Cry with them when they have a voice, a heart, of sadness.


Healthy Balance of True Genuine Empathy.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

tt,
This may sound a bit warped... but I think people express empathy towards bad situations because in those cases they feel they NEED to. Even Ns know they have to pretend to be sorry if something bad happens among an acquaintance. I think it is almost like a prejudice - when you feel differently towards a race, you may treat people of that race especially nicely - in itself a prejudice. Likewise, in your fear, you might want to feel empathy because you think you should. With joyful events, you are assured the person is OK. With sadness, you may feel a need to fill a space - for your own comfort and theirs (depending on the level of true empathy). Does this make any sense to you?
Love, Beth

Beth, This makes tremendous sense to me. Maybe that's because I think we grew up with some of the same prevailing themes.

My mother never had anything good to say about anyone... and I don't recall her ever, ever rejoicing or even looking pleased when someone else had cause to be glad. Also, there was the constant "we're better than others" and lack of genuine interaction with other human beings...
so everything was very superficial and only, ever, all about appearances.

My own view is likely very jaded by all that, but I've often had the feeling that others' expression of condolences is more about them than the person who's suffering. I hope that I'm allowed to say that in all honesty, repeating that I know it's a skewed feeling and that I am ordinarily not compelled to act on that feeling, because I realize that it entails a judgment of others which I'm not in any position to make.
It's a type of cynicism, I suppose, which I am hoping to shed, by the grace of God.

Carolyn

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,


This may sound a bit warped... but I think people express empathy towards bad situations because in those cases they feel they NEED to.  Even Ns know they have to pretend to be sorry if something bad happens among an acquaintance. I think it is almost like a prejudice - when you feel differently towards a race, you may treat people of that race especially nicely - in itself a prejudice. Likewise, in your fear, you might want to feel empathy because you think you should. With joyful events, you are assured the person is OK. With sadness, you may feel a need to fill a space - for your own comfort and theirs (depending on the level of true empathy). Does this make any sense to you?
Love, Beth

All you say here seems true and applicable to society at large.   From this perspective though, it all seems so convoluted and useless.  What am I missing?

tt

[teartracks]

Hi Amber,

OK... maybe I should repeat myself:

Sorry to exasperate you. 

tt

[Leah]

Hi Beth,

tt,

This may sound a bit warped... but I think people express empathy towards bad situations because in those cases they feel they NEED to.  Even Ns know they have to pretend to be sorry if something bad happens among an acquaintance. I think it is almost like a prejudice - when you feel differently towards a race, you may treat people of that race especially nicely - in itself a prejudice. Likewise, in your fear, you might want to feel empathy because you think you should. With joyful events, you are assured the person is OK. With sadness, you may feel a need to fill a space - for your own comfort and theirs (depending on the level of true empathy). Does this make any sense to you?
Love, Beth

All you say here seems true and applicable to society at large.   From this perspective though, it all seems so convoluted and useless.  What am I missing?

tt

I feel the aboe illustration is someone or people being False.   Pretence of caring for the pleasure of looking good.  Insincerity.   Shallowness.

My NM used to make a big outward demonstration with false empty words of accepting and being kind to people of other cultures and race, yet, behind closed doors her words were the complete opposite!  So in reality, it was all a sham, a pretence, likewise with false empathy.  Cringe worthy to witness.

A lady I know of, she is first in line to offer sympathy and empathy and be seen to do.  False.  Gossips about the person(s) afterwards.   I know, she did it to me.

Genuine or False is the simple difference.   Yes, there may well be a continuum, all the same, personally, discerning falsehood prevents the cringe worth factor!   

But, that's just my observations and experience.  Life stories from the Leah bank.

Love to all,

Leah ~ with joy to be.

[Gabben]

But, what happens to the happy person if s/he doesn't receive positive feedback from others about the experience or circumstances? That would tarnish the brightness of the happiness a bit, I think. It invalidates the person - sends the message: who cares?

Hi Amber,

If the person is genuinely happy, or fullfilled, then why would they need empathy? Genuine happiness does not feel unhappy because others are getting someting that they are not. Rather part of what causes happiness is the joy of knowing that others are cared for and loved more than ourselves.

It seems very Nish to want empathy for our success and happiness because that IS taking away from those that do suffer and really do need our care. Compassion and empathy are healing ways of relating to others which can help those in need, or hurting, to find relief, a much needed relief for survival.

It seems that seeking empathy for happiness or success is really more along the lines of trying to arouse envy or attention which is a form of N supply.


I don't know --  I could be so far off here......

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lise,

Although your comment was addressed to Amber, I am wondering... and I hope it's okay to ask you...
don't you appreciate when someone rejoices along with you when you have good news to celebrate?
I'm just surprised, Lise... because it seems like such an intimate thing, to me, to share the good times and not only the bad.

Thank you.

Carolyn

[Gabben]

Hi Carolyn

I'm sitting here trying my hardest to recall when I have shared the good news with anyone in my life. The last 6-8 months of my life have been so painful I have forgotten what good is...I know that sounds dramatic LOL.

Well, I know that when my girlfriend shared with me the good news of her engagement I was very happy.

Hmmmm.............I just don't know what to make of your question, Carolyn.

Let me think on it.

L

[DailyMail]

Carolyn, thats touching on something I was thinking about yesterday.

All I want is company, a witness, someone to listen and nod as I describe what the experience is like on my journey.

That the nodding comes with some understanding, even if it's distant understanding.

We've all experienced,loss, grief, disappointment, fear, resentment, anger, confusion.

Some of the most helpful times with friends in the last few years have been when I've given words to my experience and without offering to hold, hug, wipe the tears or celebrate with me, they merely listened and nodded with understanding.

[Certain Hope]

Lise, No rush... and I don't think you sound dramatic, just realistic... I mean, if that's how it's been, then that's reality! But maybe it's time to find a rose to snoof? I dunno.

Hugs,
Carolyn


and Daily... that was beautiful. Me, too... only nods of understanding, even if it's distant and vague... just to be heard and acknowledged as an individual entity but not alien!

Hugs to you, too,
Carolyn

[Leah]

How did the counselor explain it, Leah?

Do you mean the counselor said, somebody else has a wet blanket, and feels a compulsion to throw it on anybody else's glow?

I get that...

Hops

Yes, Hops

But also, kind of like the wet blanket dries out and sticks to you.   

Thereby, creating a heaviness of heart -- having the effect of dampening out one's joyful glow.

So then one feels simply flattened or squished.

Love, Leah

[teartracks]

DailyMail,

All I want is company, a witness, someone to listen and nod as I describe what the experience is like on my journey.

That the nodding comes with some understanding, even if it's distant understanding.

We've all experienced,loss, grief, disappointment, fear, resentment, anger, confusion.

Some of the most helpful times with friends in the last few years have been when I've given words to my experience and without offering to hold, hug, wipe the tears or celebrate with me, they merely listened and nodded with understanding.

I think you just demystified the word empathy.

Thank you.

tt

[DailyMail]

I agree, that's why I also included "celebrating" in the list of ways in which I need and want company or a witness.  And I don't think it has anything to do with needing attention, but a very normal human need for connection to the rest of the human race.