Seeking Relief vs constructive suffering

[Gabben]

And what strange satisfaction maintains all this
self-destruction? Well, it's the satisfaction of
unconsciously hoping to show the world how wrong it
is. Like Hamlet holding a mirror up to his mother,
hoping that she will see in herself the responsibility
she played in the death of the king, the person
trapped in victim anger will hold     
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes,
will condemn the world.
 
This paragraph is the insight to why I am unconsciously seek out people out who are seriously wrong in their actions or are not safe...then I condemn them and then I wish I could change them. Make them see how wrong they are. It all comes down to seeking relief vs. suffering.

Or, like in the paragraph above the satisfaction of hoping to show my mom how wrong she was. That is my pattern, people who are wrong, annoy me, then I react and then I get frustrated. It is not the people that need to change, but me.

But to heal that and live peacefully I have to give up the pattern and embrace my cross so to speak be willing to just suffer. Easier said than done but there has not been day that has gone by in the past year where I did not utter the prayer, God please give me the grace to suffer, the grace to embrace suffering. Today I am going to add the word silent to my prayer request. "God give me the grace to suffer in silence."

[Gabben]

And what strange satisfaction maintains all this
self-destruction? Well, it's the satisfaction of
unconsciously hoping to show the world how wrong it
is. Like Hamlet holding a mirror up to his mother,
hoping that she will see in herself the responsibility
she played in the death of the king, the person
trapped in victim anger will hold     
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes,
will condemn the world.


This paragraph is so powerful for me and humbling -- I realize that all harm, all negativity that I bring, stir up, or create in my life, even the smallest amount, stems from this need I have to self-destruct in order to show the world my pain as proof or evidence of how wrong it is or was.

Now, of course, I have been acting this drama or untold story out in many different ways and in many different patterns, on many levels for many different years. Self-sabotage and addiction are my main two ways of "showing the world" but both of those are no more for me.

It sometimes feels like when the bottom of the wound, or the last vestiges are working there way out of me it is the most destructive and painfully intense. I feel that stage has come and gone. For the first time in many months I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel the suffering is still there but now I can take it, I have finally given up the kicking and screaming, it took 39 years for me to grow up.

[Gaining Strength]

You know Gabben.  I too have lived a life by the concepts described in that paragraph.  It is a form of righteous anger at forms of injustice.  I was locked into it because I saw my position as righteous.  Even now that I have broken free of those bonds, I still see my position as righteous BUT holding on to the outrage and demands that everyone else stop and pay attention and "do something" about it was what had me stuck and what would eventually leave me standing alone. 

I knew and agreed with the phrase, "pick your battles" but I could not prioritize and after a while I could no longer motivate the troops needed to fight any battle.  These battles wore me down and my fights wore down anyone and eveyone around me. 

Learning to cut my losses and to accept that things were as they were so that I could go and look elsewhere for people and organizations that shared my philosophy was the single most freeing change in my life.

One example in my life is my church.  The church I belong to is one that my mother grew up in, which her parents attended and her grandparents attended.  A few years ago we got a new priest who is the kind of person who lies and favors wealthy parishioners who can further his social agenda.  Many of my close friends have left.  The rest of the clergy staff and lay staff caught on to his duplicity.  He basically ran off any one who opposses him.  I fought for a while and guess what - I got isolated.  I now attend my late husband's church.  For a couple of years, I was ensensed that he was getting away with his behavior and tried valiently to get others to step up to the plate and do something.  The only one who suffered from that was me.  Now, at this other church I am involved with many people who have a very different theological view and different view of how the "church" in the large sense should be run.  Now I keep my views to myself because I will not change anything by airing my views except to once again face isolation.  This situation is working our well for me.  It is not ideal.  The ideal circumstances are not available for me now - maybe later.

It is sort of like going NC with an N.  There is no point in trying to reform an N.  That was one of the most difficult lessons for me to learn.  When I finally understood it, it still is difficult to implement, though it definitely becomes easier with time.  It is always frustrating when others don't see the dark side that the N or other type of destructive personality.  But I can let go of that at long, long last.

I think it is much like - cut your losses in the game of investments.  Very few can actully do that, most just keep hanging on to recoup the losses and end up losing more.  Same thing in gambling.  Perhaps that is why it is soooo addictive.  Hard to cut your losses.  Hard with money, hard with issues concerning people we love, hard with issues of right and wrong.

[Gabben]

You know Gabben.  I too have lived a life by the concepts described in that paragraph.  It is a form of righteous anger at forms of injustice.  I was locked into it because I saw my position as righteous. 

Exactly -- me too, you seem to be a few steps ahead of me ((Beth)) this is a humbling lesson for me. A lesson which I thought I had mastered many years ago but as I have retread or regressed that onion layer only to find myself right back in the lesson again but at a much deeper level.

It amazed me when I looked back at myself to see how much I could internalize or intellectualize the program or morality. But was I really living it from my gut? That was the difference between fully walking the talk and just talking the talk.

I knew and agreed with the phrase, "pick your battles" but I could not prioritize and after a while I could no longer motivate the troops needed to fight any battle.  These battles wore me down and my fights wore down anyone and everyone around me. 

This also hit home with me.

One example in my life is my church.  The church I belong to is one that my mother grew up in, which her parents attended and her grandparents attended.  A few years ago we got a new priest who is the kind of person who lies and favors wealthy parishioners who can further his social agenda.  Many of my close friends have left.  The rest of the clergy staff and lay staff caught on to his duplicity.  He basically ran off any one who opposes him.  I fought for a while and guess what - I got isolated.  I now attend my late husband's church.  For a couple of years, I was ensensed that he was getting away with his behavior and tried valiantly to get others to step up to the plate and do something.  The only one who suffered from that was me.  Now, at this other church I am involved with many people who have a very different theological view and different view of how the "church" in the large sense should be run.  Now I keep my views to myself because I will not change anything by airing my views except to once again face isolation.  This situation is working our well for me.  It is not ideal.  The ideal circumstances are not available for me now - maybe later.

Thanks ((Beth)) I love how you have used the AA approach of telling our own story as a way to carry the message or find a chink in the walls of ego.

[DailyMail]

you cant avoid pain in life
but suffering is a choice, silent or not

and one thing I learned about people who are self-righteous
as irritating as they are
if they lack sadism (that N's and P's have)
then really theyve taken on the role of sentinel
theyre trying to protect everyone else by teaching them what to be cautious of

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  I think that you are seeing deep life patterns and they are VERY painful. I saw one, on Sunday . I saw that I was in a Catch 22 situation with my M, always, where I could never  win. The game was always rigged ,so I was the loser,no matter how hard I tried. I saw it with my heart, this time.
It was very painful,but then I felt better(after some time)
 None of it was our fault. We really were victims, as children.It was not our fault when we developed "crazy" ways ,in order to adapt. It is not our fault when we have triggers.
 Keep writing and sharing, Lise.                            Love   Ami
 ((((((((((Lise))))))))))

[Gabben]

It is not our fault when we have triggers.
 

Thanks Ami -- no it is not our fault that we have triggers but it is our responsibility to act in a healthy manor when we are triggered and to not blame my childhood on the problem.  Yes, it is a catch 22 but one that can be healed if others can allow for a safe place for the triggers to arise and be worked through, with acceptance.

Knowing that my victimization was NOT my fault was a defense layer that took me years to work through. At present, I get on a deep level that nothing that happened to me was my fault, that has sunk in.

So many of my defenses against the pain are gone. That is why I think I am more raw than others.

I do not use ANY form of drugs or medication.
I'm not attached to opinions of others, naturally, otherwise I would have been long gone from this board....LOL -- people hate me here and that does not make me happy. But my point is is that I can operate with out the fear of what others think. I can be free.



There are many other psychological defenses, that is what the first two years in Freudian therapy did for me, it was break down those defenses so I could get to this deep layer of pain an still function in this world.

I'll post some of the defenses here when I get a chance.

(((((((((((((((AMI))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  You are "incorrect" to say that "people" hate you ,here. Some people may.They certainly do me. However, MANY people appreciate us ,too.
  This would be the same in any group.That is why I stay here. It is a lot easier to turn off the computer than walk out of a real life group( and a lot less embarrassing-lol)                 Love   Ami