ACN's: When did you realize your Nparent was...well, CRAZY?

[Leah]

Oh, my, Lollie

I think I will decline the cake, thank you!

I thought my experience was awful, but, it is not so.  I was made to drink a cup of tea that I had left on the table, in a dash for school, so when I returned home some 8 hours later, my dad stood over me and forced me to drink it, it was all horrible with a huge skin on top!  ugh.  I would be about aged 9 years I think.  He did the same with some porridge I left, again, to dash off for the bus to school.  My chores took up most of my time before leaving for school.

Leah x

[Leah]

Dear Lollie,

Oddly enough, abuse did occur through food.  I was given different food to my brother.  He had steak.  I had fish fingers.

I had to look on and wonder why I did not have the same food as everyone else at the table.  My brother did next to knowing and had steak!!   I know my mother made Rabbit stew, and passed it off as Chicken.  I have a true account regarding my mother and my pet rabbit.

Love, Leah

[Gabben]

(((((((((lollie)))))))))        (((((((((((LEAH))))))))))


In my twenties I worked as a nanny, very briefly, for an attorney.  He had just divorced his wife and was able to get full custody of thier 3 children, which at that time were between the ages 4 and 8.

It took about a week for me to figure out that the father was abusive. I had returned to the house one night after being out on a personal errand. I went up to the childrens rooms to make sure that they had been properly tucked in since I had noticed that the father would often send the kids to bed in dirty street clothes and without so much as a good nights kiss.

When I checked on the 4 year old she awoke and started crying those deep slient tears. She was unable to explain what happened. Her older sister awoke and told me that the 4 year old had spilled her dinner on the floor by accident and their father yelled at her and made her eat her food off of the floor until every last bit was gone.

It broke my heart.

About a year later I helped the mother by testifiying against the father, highlighting that incident as just one out of many that I observed in the 6 months I worked for him.

He only wanted full custody of his kids so that he would not have to pay child support.

[Gabben]

Hi Lollie,

Last night I reflected more on this memory. Realizing I new nothing of narcissism at that time in my life but I was awake to my own abusive childhood pains and able to recognize abuse.

Thinking back I realize more about N behavior the father did. When I first moved in he slandered their mother constantly to me. It was the children who loved their mom and helped me to see how good she was. Just thinking about the confusion of the children when they would have to listen to their father put their mother down and the look of terror on their faces, not knowing who to trust.

If I had known what I know now it would not have taken me so long to speak up and say something.

[Gabben]

BTW - Anastasia I know this is your thread -- my last post was addressed to lollie -- I meant you no disrespect.

[hardtotrust]

... I got some shocks when I watched other parents interactions with their children and realized I never experienced such positive relationship.  I didn't know such relationship was even possible, since my FOO was isolated in various ways.

I feel the same. I am 40. Even now it is difficult for me to accept that my parents are crazy.

Maybe I realized it when I was about 10 and my father rented a small motorcycle to ride (drunk) with my brother. My mother stayed at home, terrorizing me and doing nothing to solve the problem as usual. When they got back, there was a lot of blood on my brother's scrapped knees and legs. And guess what? My turn. When we almost crashed into a bus and ended up in a vacant lot, in the middle of some plants, I felt really humiliated and knew something was wrong.

[Gabben]

Dear Hardtotrust,

Ouch. As I read yours story and the other painful dysfunctional stories of family here my heart wrenches. It makes me wonder if as you talk about this it brings up any painful feelings for you?

Gab

[hardtotrust]

Hi, Gab

All the stories here are impressive. This thread is great.

Yes, when I talk about this it brings up very painful feelings. I cried a lot writing many versions of my post, thinking deeply about the question Anastasia brought us. But it is painful in a good sense, because I feel like I am cleaning up, accessing things that need to be released. That's why I like this thread, it is very therapeutic and personal.

Hugs to all the brave people posting here. And to the ones just lurking as well.

[Ami]

(((((((((((Hardtotrust,Lise,Lollie,Iphi, Anastasia, Legalmom and Leah))))))))))))))))

[Anastasia]

I, too, have been called a survivor during my life.  I think what people mean when they say that is that they see you are "resiliant" and don't allow yourself to get beaten to your knees.  Personally, I think that is just a quality you are more-or-less born with.
This noon I was remembering one of the first times I remember being unable to trust my mother involving her telling me my stepfather wouldn't let her buy a dress and telling me not to say anything; and, naturally, I repeated it to my stepfather when he came in as, in my 4 or 5 year old mind, I was defending my mother.  She told me I was lying, and she never said anything like that in front of my stepfather when this all occurred.
And then accusing me of being a liar has lasted for years and years.  And I am NOT the one who is the liar.  She is. 
She tried to dump me and have me live with my grandmother when I was 2-1/2 and her divorce was over.  I was on the farm until my grandmother (already burdened with her son's 14 y.o. daughter) told my mother to come get me. 
One of my earliest memories at 4 was saying to myself that "if my mother loves me so, how come she has dumped me with my grandmother." 
So, take being abandoned--with betrayal--and you have someone who can really look at their mother pretty objectively.  That is my guess, Iphi, since you mentioned it.

[Anastasia]

A narcissist doesn't want to compete with a child for attention or give their attention to kids.  Nope, my Nmother NEVER wanted children, so I was the unwanted burden she couldn't wait to get out of the house.  She made sure she had no more children.
There are articles about this on the net if you look.  Answers alot of your questions.
I KNEW I was on my own, more or less, from really about 12 on although it was always.  In my immature mind, I felt my Nmother would protect me when I was younger than that.  Sure...that's why she tried to dump me with my grandmother.  Ahh.....to be naive and innocent again when you actually believe that a mother loves her child--instead of the reality that SOME mothers really don't give a crap and would rather get rid of them.

I hate people calling God into conversations.  Like "God will take care of me" is a great one.  Sure, He will...if you get a damned J-O-B.

[hardtotrust]

... the reality that SOME mothers really don't give a crap and would rather get rid of them.

I hate people calling God into conversations.  Like "God will take care of me" is a great one.  Sure, He will...if you get a damned J-O-B.

And I bet you've heard a thousand times, when looking for understanding from other people, how "YOU have to understand", "When parents get older they start acting like children again, I've been there", "You have to forgive", "They did the best they could", "I also have some problems with my mother" and so on.

I do understand your complaint about mentioning God. First of all, usually it is nothing but a disrespectful way of dismissing your problems and pain. Instead of listening and being there for you, someone simply says "God will solve all your problems". Now this person looks superior, religious and you have to be on your own, misunderstood.

Second, for people like us, thinking about giving control of our lives to God brings up the memories of what happened when the control of our lives were in the hands of our parents, and it feels like suicide, a very slow one. It is extremely hard to believe it won't happen again in the same way.

[BonesMS]

I think I was about 13-14 years old, sitting in the therapist's office, when things started to clarify about how sick and twisted my Nmother really is!

Bones

[nan99]

Great thread.  Growing up, I never thought of my mom as crazy, but knew from a very early age that she had problems. and I considered her extremely mean (now I think "psycho" would describe her pretty well). My father was very normal, and handled her pretty well (at least to me it seemed he did). Unfortunately, we died when I was 11, but before that, he protected me from a lot. 

Earliest thing I remember when I knew my mom was "off," for lack of a better word at the moment, was around age 6-7 . When she would determine I had done something wrong needing punishment, she'd get out the cat-a-nine-tails  (a leather strap with 9 long thin pieces dangling from it--very effective device), and used it until I cried long enough and loud enough, and she had left enough marks to convince herself she'd given me "what I deserved."  Sometimes she'd wait till my dad got home, tell him what I had done, and insist that he use the strap on me for the number of times she had determined -- which usually started a big argument between them cuz he wouldn't just do what she said without hearing both sides of the story. Even at that age, I knew deep down that she was totally unreasonable and out of touch with reality.  I also remember being about 8 and her and dad got into a terrible argument cuz it was my birthday and my dad wanted to buy me a bike - she became enraged, and told him the only bike she would allow him to get for me was one from the junkyard, cuz that's where her parents got her bike from, and if she couldn't get new living room furniture, there was no way she'd let him get me a paid-for bike - he did, and suffered much for it, too. I always knew she had some sort of mental problem, just didn't realize how severe til I got older. Ah, the memories ...

[Anastasia]

Sometimes I read the stories from my fellow victims and my stomach is turned.  Surely I am not alone in this?
I'm just proud that so many of us came out of these horrid situations not totally crazy ourselves.