Passivity: Giving Your Power Away

[dandylife]

This is from: How to Be an Adult, by David Richo


Passivity is:

Refusing to express feelings, act or decide because of what MIGHT happen to you.

Making excuses for others' hurtful behavior and not dealing with them about it.

Over-politeness: always putting others first or letting them take your turn or disturb you without speaking up.

Action from a sense of obligation (fear).

Smoothing over situations so that the other real feelings do not emerge.

Over-commitment.

Not registering your recoil from biased remarks or jokes.

Abandoning yourself by assessing abuse of you from the past as "understandable".

Avoiding decisive action by coping with an unsatisfactory situation or relationship or hoping it might change. WE ARE NOT CHANGING. WE ARE CHOOSING.

Special note: Finish your emotional unfinished business directly with the people involved OR IN YOUR OWN THERAPY.

Dandylife

[axa]

Dandy,

Thank you I needed to hear this.

axa

[Leah]

Dear Dandylife,

Thank you so much for sharing this information.

Truly valued and appreciated.

Leah x

[Iphi]

That hits home!  I will definitely read that  book.  Thanks dandylife

[Certain Hope]

Dandy,

That does it. I'm ordering this book now. Thank you again!

You know what really jumps out at me this time is the "Not registering.... (your recoil from biased remarks or jokes)"

or, as I was not too long ago, basically not registering much of anything about myself - especially preferences!

Anyhow, at the moment, what's blazing at me is the distinction between registering and expressing... that there's likely a period of over-reaction once various feelings and preferences begin to come into awareness and register (like adolescence)... before the fine-tuning of maturity makes it possible to exercise restraint. It's quite a journey coming out of passive avoidance, through another round of adolescence, and into adulthood!

Carolyn

[Gabben]

Not registering your recoil from biased remarks or jokes.

Dandy,

Is the passive person a person with repressed anger?

Before I was really aware of my deep anger issues I used to get what was like a delayed resentment to a slight or perceived insult from someone.

Then, as I worked though my anger stuff I became more assertive (well at first, a mix of aggressive and assertive - still trying to find my assertive voice) I became reactive immediately upon hearing an insult etc. I guess perhaps as we grow more emotionally healthy we will swing the pendulum until we find that healthy balance?

[Confounded]

HOWEVER, IF YOU LIVE WITH AN N'ISH TYPE PERSON, FEEL FREE TO TAKE BACK YOUR POWER BY JUST BLOWING HIM OR HER OFF.

Refusing to express feelings, act or decide because YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE LISTENING TO MORE OF THE SAME OLD BS.

Making REALISTIC ASSESSMENTS OF others' hurtful behavior and not dealing with them about it BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'LL NEVER 'GET IT' NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.

Over-politeness: BEING THE ODDBALL BY SAYING "PLEASE" AND "THANK YOU" AND "WHEN YOU HAVE TIME" AND IGNORING RUDE BEHAVIOR BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY OBJECTED TO IT AT LEAST A THOUSAND TIMES, AND IF CHANGE WERE POSSIBLE IT WOULD HAVE OCCURRED BY NOW.

Action from a sense of DOING WHAT'S RIGHT.

Smoothing over situations so that THE WHOLE DAY ISN'T RUINED BY SOMEONE WHO SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

Over-commitment AS IN "JUST DO IT."

Not registering your recoil from biased remarks or jokes, IF YOU THINK THAT IGNORING IDIOTS IS AN EXCELLENT STRATEGY.

FINALLY MAKING SENSE OF THINGS by assessing abuse of you from the past as "understandable" GIVEN THAT THOSE WHO DID IT ARE MENTALLY ILL AND INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING OR RESOLVING THEIR PROBLEMS.

TAKING decisive action by coping with an unsatisfactory situation or relationship, KNOWING THAT THE ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN CHANGE IS THE WAY YOU REACT (DON'T!).  WE ARE CHANGING, WHEN WE CHOOSE TO STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE THOUGHT PROCESSES OF OTHER PEOPLE.

Special note: Finish your emotional unfinished business directly with the people, AND IF YOU DETERMINE THAT HAVING ADDRESSED IT WITH THEM IN GREAT DETAIL ON NUMEROUS OCCASSIONS YOU HAVE GOTTEN LITTLE OR NO RESULTS, JUST STOP WASTING YOUR TIME DISCUSSING IT WITH THEM.  IF YOU KEEP BATTING YOUR HEAD AGAINST THAT BRICK WALL, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED LIFE-LONG THERAPY.

JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE AND IGNORE THE BS THAT OTHER PEOPLE THROW YOUR WAY.  YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.   

[dandylife]

Gabben,

you wrote: "Is the passive person a person with repressed anger?"

I used to feel the same way as you - still do at times. The "delayed" effect from abuse. Sometimes what happened wouldn't register as abuse until later.

I came to believe I am a person who processes more slowly.

I have learned to ask for time when I need it. "I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I am going to process it and we'll talk". That seems to work for me.

Dandylife

[Certain Hope]

Dandy and Lise,

From another very slow processor, it's a great blessing to simply ask for more time to sort, when that's possible.

And by the same token, we can be patient and gentle with ourselves, I think - with practice - and not demand solutions or commitments until there's been ample time to sift through the rubble. Seems like the more I do this, the less rubble there is through which to sift (the rubble being leftovers from old catastrophic relationships).

Oh, and what used to be a reflexive anger reaction is now morphing into more of a puzzlement... I mean, instead of getting mad, I'm finding that I can sit back now and just wonder - why in the world is that person behaving this way toward me?!
Often, the answer is - she's not behaving that way toward me at all... she doesn't even really know I'm there. She is simply living within her own little foggy realm.

Great thread, thanks.

Carolyn

[Leah]

I have learned to ask for time when I need it. "I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I am going to process it and we'll talk". That seems to work for me.

Hi Dandylife,

That's what I like to do, to be able to stand aside from my thoughts and emotions, and ask myself questions, as to why etc., then decide how to proceed.

Seems to work for me.

Insightful thread, thank you.

Leah x

[Gabben]

I came to believe I am a person who processes more slowly.

I have learned to ask for time when I need it. "I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I am going to process it and we'll talk". That seems to work for me.

Thanks Dandy! Yes, me too. I have been coming to learn that I process slowly also.

Recently I was beating myself for being so reactive lately. A dear friend, who has known me for about 7 years, told me that she has never known me to be so reactive. She asked, with tenderness, warmth and compassion, "what's up?"  "Is it your childhood stuff?"

I was able to tell her about the pain and memories she reminded me that when the pain is up it colors our world and it can be hard to see reality. Also, that is exactly what the pain is doing by coming up out of us so that we can see reality better, does that make sense for you too?

Appreciate your post and comments here on the board.

Gab

[dandylife]

Gabben,

You wrote, "when the pain is up it colors our world and it can be hard to see reality. Also, that is exactly what the pain is doing by coming up out of us so that we can see reality better, does that make sense for you too?"

When having a challenging day, everything feels different. Sunshine is not so bright, humor is harder to appreciate, etc. Yes, I agree with this part.

However, "coming up out of us so that we can see reality better" I don't necessarily agree with depending on circumstances. Sometimes anger, negative emotions can so cloud reality - not make it sharper. It depends! Good thing to ponder, eh?

Dandylife

[Gabben]

However, "coming up out of us so that we can see reality better" I don't necessarily agree with depending on circumstances. Sometimes anger, negative emotions can so cloud reality - not make it sharper. It depends! Good thing to ponder, eh?


Hi Dandy,

In pondering I realized that I might have expressed the idea wrongly. What I meant is that as we cry our old battles out of us we will no longer see the same battle.

Or, most of us are trying to rewrite the untold drama's of our childhoods, our patterns, correct? So instead of repeating our patterns we learn to give up the story behind the pattern. Cry.

One of my favorite sayings is tears wash our eyes so that we can see the world better.

Old anger, well, yes just like you say -- it can and does cloud my better judgement at times. I'm only human, working to become a better one.

Lise

[Certain Hope]

What I meant is that as we cry our old battles out of us we will no longer see the same battle.

Lise

Dear Lise,

This is the truth, I believe... crying out those old battles does give a new vision... and it's not about filling buckets with tears, I don't think... but simply being willing to hurt, for the sake of healing, rather than nursing anger or resentment to avoid the hurt.
Thank you for sharing your vision here.

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Healing of the pain and heartache with tears shed has been part of my journey, and someone greater than I assisted me.

Personally, here, I have been a seeker, as my quest has been to seek, of the reasons why, and find the answers, for understanding, enlightenment and sharing. 

"There are more questions than answers" springs to mind.   

But that's just me, as we are each unique individuals, which is the beauty of our being, together in a sense of community, I feel.

Reciprocal support with sincere empathy, understanding and kindness, is priceless, and valuable  for any journey of healing and recovery.

Love to all,

Leah x

"It's a Wonderful Life"  ~   "Let's Live It"


Sincerely wishing EVERYONE a weekend filled with beauty, grace and peace.