Abuse

[Ami]

I got a gap in my "dances with my M and H enough to see the pattern more clearly. The 'gap" was  a little bit of self love. Oh, if they could bottle self love for all the hurting people(lol). For me ,I have had most everything in my life EXCEPT  self love. I have had some ,in my life,but not for long.
Living w/out loving yourself is like living in the most barren place, gray,and sad.
 I got a gift of s/one loving me and I started to love myself,a little.
 Yesterday,I was talking to my M. She wanted my "help" on a problem, After I gave it, I started getting a stomach ache(which is some stress that I can't handle) and I realized that she was starting to abuse me,probably b/c she got "one down" b/c *I* helped HER.
 So, I said good -bye
  Today, my H raged . I left the house .
  He is still raging, emotionally . I am not dancing ,anymore. 
 Inside me ,now, for the first time ,in a long time, I WANT to live. I want to thrive.                                   Ami
 

[Certain Hope]

She wanted my "help" on a problem, After I gave it, I started getting a stomach ache(which is some stress that I can't handle) and I realized that she was starting to abuse me,probably b/c she got "one down" b/c *I* helped HER.
So, I said good -bye

Yes, I know this one so well, Ami... a real hallmark of perfectionists (which I am beginning to believe most N's are, whether they keep that hidden or not).

Good work in actively applying what you're learning, Ami!

Love,
Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Good for you Am!  sometimes it takes success or someone elses love to remind us we can love ourselves.  I am glad you are experiencing love enough to give you a bit of your own.

[Ami]

My H started raging b/c he wanted to take the computer in to the store(panic). It seemed to be fine, to me.
 When I said this,my H started raging b/c I am on the computer all the time(no joke-lol)
 However, when he rages, your whole "sordid' history  comes  out(lol). So, I simply left the house.
 He blames ME for all the woes . Really, my H drove Scott off the deep end. I did not leave ,but I did not destroy Scott. I SHOULD  have left,but my H would still have been his F.iI don't know .It is an endless ball of yarn.
  For me, I really do want a certain level of respect and won't tolerate less. I have been through too much and s/thing in me changed.
 I realized from my M abusing me last night that I MUST love and honor myself. I "knew" this as a kid. I 'knew" that my M was nuts and my F was a wimp, so *I* was left and I better develop a  'hardness"(strength) about being in my own corner.
  Last night, when my M abused me, so effortlessly, I "realized" again,that I MUST do what I did as a kid, look out for myself,first.
  So, I have changed.

[Ami]

Thanks so much for replying Carolyn and Kelly.
I feel so lonely and it was so nice to see your replies.
It is so funny about self love. I tried to get love from the outside by trying to look good enough(buying clothes, make-up etc). I tried to be "good enough" by getting a good education. I tried people pleasing, approval seeking, codependency.etc and I even "tried" to get God's love but *I* could not let it in. It was there,but I could not "recieve" it.
 Now, I recieved an external source of love and s/thing in me shifted, and I can love myself, NOT based on the external source, anymore. I saw that *I* was lovable( a little-lol)  and my 'life " seems to have shifted, a little.                   Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Ami, you have other computers, right?  I mean, if he took that one to the store, you'd still be able to be online all the time, wouldn't you?  

I'm asking because the first thing I wondered was whether he might have been picking a fight with you even by mentioning taking the pc to the store. That's a familiar scenario to me, from days gone by  

[Ami]

Dear Carolyn,
  My laptop is in the store,now,but my son's have computers. I am "stealing" my older son's until he comes home from work ,screaming for it.(lol)Scott has one in his room, with all his things,but I have avoided getting it.
 Thanks for your kindness , Carolyn.           Love   Ami

[Leah]

Dear ((((((( Ami ))))))

His courage and strength is evidently within you, which is what you asked for.

I identify with the computer question.  My exH used to make all sorts of excuses to keep me from searching for information!!!

I am so proud of you that you "walked away from the table" ... his table of ranting, and left the house. 

Love to you,

Leah

[Ami]

Thank you ,Leah, so much                       Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Ami,

If your laptop is already at the shop and your other computer seemed to you to be working fine, then I cannot imagine what was the big urgency to leave you dependent on your son's computer right at the moment, you know?
There's alot of stuff I can tolerate and be patient about, but don't mess with my computer... LOL

((((((((((Ami))))))))))

I would not want to get into Scott's stuff just now either. I believe that you'll know when the time is right and not need anyone to rush you into that.

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

Does your husband use the computer/laptop also? 

Leah x

[Ami]

Dear Leah,
  He uses the desk top, which he just brought in to the store. My laptop is in the store,now, also.Thanks for caring, Leah.        Love    Ami

[Leah]

(((((((((( Ami ))))))))) 

Hoping the store carries out the maintenace promptly so as to alleviate any stress for you.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Ami,

Just a note... I have no idea whether or not your husband was trying to pick an argument with you or set you up re: this whole computer thing. That's just something which popped into my head because it's how my ex-husband would behave. He went so far as to cut our phone lines, back in the day when we had dial-up... and then blame it on the dogs... lol.  Yeah, I can laugh now, but at the time, it was sooo not funny.
Anyhow, I surely don't want to color your view of your own husband, as that may have been the farthest thing from his mind... and I know that he must be under a great deal of stress and pressure now, as well.

Love,
Carolyn

[Ami]

My H just left the house ,in a rage. I think that he is going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce. I am so tired, physically. I feel like I have 'mono".
  I just want to get well,emotionally and physically. The truth was that my H kept trying to turn Scott against me for Scott's whole life.Scott could not take that my H "took him" as an ally(IMO) I have lost my wonderful son . My H  does not own any of the behavior leading up to Scott's death---any behavior to anyone. I just want to be left alone to heal, but my H can't do that.
  I just wish that I was not so tired.