Author Topic: Dear Nan99 - Voiceless, Yes  (Read 1048 times)

Leah

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Dear Nan99 - Voiceless, Yes
« on: February 23, 2008, 01:21:27 PM »
Quote
Hi, I'm new to the board.  "Voiceless and emotional" sums it up for me pretty well.  I'm an introvert, and have been married to an NH for over 25 years.


Warm welcome, Nan99

Have read your life story on the members story board and was concerned that you may be feeling alone.

Sincerely, I resonate with your experience, in particular the invalidation aspect, especially from the "fixers" as was my experience.

I did eventually leave my exH and divorce, which met with much opposition, from some, not all, at the time.

I encourage you to write and post as you feel comfortable and led, as Validation, Empathy and Support is priceless.

Very best wishes to you.

Love, Leah
« Last Edit: February 23, 2008, 01:28:00 PM by LeahsRainbow »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Ami

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Re: Dear Nan99 - Voiceless, Yes
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2008, 01:30:38 PM »
Welcome Nan
 I am sorry I did not say "welcome" before. It is very scary to share your story and feels terrible when no one replies.I hope that you find a home ,here, and keep sharing your heart with us.                                          Love   Ami


(((((((((((((((Nan))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

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Re: Dear Nan99 - Voiceless, Yes
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2008, 05:09:20 PM »
Dear Nan,

I just read your story on the other board, too, and I'm so glad you're here. Also, I can sure understand your not wanting people to try to fix your marriage when they couldn't possibly appreciate the extreme difficulties involved in relating to npd.
My marriage to one was just 3 years before his resentment of me drove hiim to threaten me physically... and I was able to get away. When npd meets a brick wall of boundaries, something is gonna give... and in this case, I just ran... and he did the rest, by filing for divorce. God works in mysterious ways.

Looking forward to visiting with you here, if you feel like posting some more.
Take good care...

Love,
Carolyn

P.S.  Thank you, Leah, for posting to Nan... and drawing our attention to her story, too. I wouldn't have wanted to miss it.

nan99

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Re: Dear Nan99 - Voiceless, Yes
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2008, 03:21:35 PM »
Leah, Ami, and Carolyn:  Thank you so much for your words of support.  After posting my story and reading the responses, I feel like my load has been made lighter and there's less discouragement.  It's so easy to isolate yourself when it seems that no one does or could understand. Lately, I've been becoming more and more of a hermit - not wanting to talk to people any more than absolutely necessary, wanting to be left alone, not desiring contact with people at all.  It's very reassuring to know there are others who do understand and who can relate.

And Carolyn, I appreciate what you said -- " When npd meets a brick wall of boundaries, something is gonna give..," and your comments about resentment.  This has been so true for me. My NH isn't violent, though; rather he has the image of himself as being the greatest guy around, and he thrives on people sympathizing with him -- so when I put up boundaries and don't let him drain the life out of me, he just withdraws from me more and puts on a martyr attidude ("That's alright, you don't have to do anything for me if you don't want to," etc) -- but underneath, his resentment of me is strong and very obvious. He recently went on an 8-day trip and didn't say goodbye to me when he left the house for the airport -- too excited to go be with his pals, or just wanted to hurt me one last time before he left, not sure which, but it felt like an abandonment.  With putting up boundaries, I seem to have walled myself into a corner of isolation.  I know that's not a good thing -- will have to make the effort to build an escape hatch through my wall  :D

Thanks again. I'm glad to have found a safe place here.


Certain Hope

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Re: Dear Nan99 - Voiceless, Yes
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2008, 04:04:28 PM »
Dear Nan,

I'm so relieved to know that your H isn't violent! On the other hand, I never really thought that mine could be, either... until after I learned about npd and he caught on to the fact that his mask had slipped. That's when it got really sticky.
When he saw his control over me diminishing and realized that I was gaining more independence, that's when he grew really dangerous. The day he physically threatened me, I was preparing to head out the door to return some job applications.
It was as though he had some sort of psychotic break that day... and from then on, there was no going back.

Just before that, he also went through a withdrawal period... and I feel that could have gone on indefinitely, if he hadn't known that I'd been researching npd and was preparing myself to fend for myself. So please, just be very cautious.

My isolation during our brief marriage was complete. I was (and still am) 1,000 miles away from family, unemployed, no friends here, and absolutely no energy to even think about creating a support system. If it hadn't been for our local domestic violence counselor and shelter... well, I hate to even think about it.
But even before those most desperate times, there was just such an aura of shame clinging to me... or that's how I felt.
Being such a timid little mouse, I figured that everyone who looked at me could surely see how contaminated I was by him... that life-consumer. It was sheer survival instinct which propelled me out of that living death, really... and I surely hope that it never gets to that point with you. Please take extra good care of yourself and know that you are such a valuable, precious woman who deserves to live in peace and joy.

Love,
Carolyn