Feeling slighted

[Gaining Strength]

My little boy is in a Tiger Cub den.  In his pack there are two dens: one run by two fathers and one run by two mothers.  My son was assigned the one run by the two mothers.  They do things like go visit a dentist's office while the men take the boys on hikes and camp outs.  Tonight is the cub scout banquet.  The pack leader has made it clear on several occassions that this is a family event.  These two women have not been to a single pack meeting. 

Today one of these mothers sent out an e-mail about the banquet tonight.  It was a forward from the pack leader's wife about the attire for the banquet.  This mother wrote that she didn't think any of "our" mothers would be going.  A couple of days ago she emailed the group and suggested that we send our boys with their dads.  That's not what the rest of the dens in the pack are doing.  And it really gets me that the women are so insensitive that they would say that "none of our mothers are going"  Hello - my son doesn't have a father, his mother will be going. 

Just last night my son and I ran into another little boy in his den and that boy's mother.  We were talking about the group and I mentioned to her that it has not been a good fit for us because there is an over emphasis on fathers.  (Three of the activities are for fathers and sons only.  Not so with the other den.)  And that this emphasis put me in a difficult place - I either have to go and be the only mother or I have to recruit someone else to be a surrogate father.

Then this morning I get this email - none of our mothers are going.  It feels very insensitive to me. 

[Lupita]

Hi GS, I hope that you can work in a way that you do not transmit the pain to your son. I did. In some way, with out doing it intentionaly, and my son was not feeling bad, but when he felt that I was feeling bad he started to feel bad. Hope I make sense.

[Gaining Strength]

You make perfect sense Lupita.  I am definitely aware that I must protect him from my own frustrations.  I hope I am doing that.  That's one of the reasons I like to post stuff here.  It just helps getting it out there and off my chest. 

I really believe in letting go of stuff and not taking offense.  But I wanted to just throw this out there and get some fed back before I work on letting go of my resentment.  Thanks for your message.  I really owe it to my son to protect him from my own emotional reactions.

[Overcomer]

I have been there and great advice Lup.  I think that traumas in my life are relived through my children.  It hurts to hurt for your children.  Maybe these stupid women need a good talking to-or maybe you should transfer her to the men pack.

[Gaining Strength]

My son doesn't really know about the "father" stuff attitude.  It's me who feels slighted.  I find it somewhat callous or thoughtless that these two mothers would not even register that one of the boys in their den doesn't have a father.  It doesn't occur to them and they make no effort to be inclusive.  As a single mother, I am already on the outside looking in. 

[DailyMail]

what are they going to be doing with the boys? teaching them about jockitch and athletic cups?

what is so gender sensitive that only fathers can be there?

 

[Sela]

Aw Beth,

It makes me wanna draw a black line down the middle of your face and put lipstick, mascara, blush and curls on one side of your head; and shave the other side, glue on 1/2 a mustache and hang a pipe out of that side of your mouth!

The women you speak of have no sensitivity nor a clue.  I'd probably feel slighted too (as I expect too much from people, I guess) but I'm stubborn too, so I think I'd go to the banquet and if any of those women said anything derrogatory, I'd point out that I am both mother and father to my son and therefore am here by default.

Maybe you will decide to reply thus to that email and ask for consideration next time? 

Seems a shame to have to bother though eh?

Sela

PS:  I remember once when my girls were smaller and I sent my youngest with my eldest to a Girl Guide meeting because I had to attend a funeral home (and I'd be unable to pick up the young one on time from her group).  I called the older one's leader and asked if it would be ok to send the younger one and she was very pleasant and understanding.

The next week, when I delivered my youngest to her meeting, the leader there stopped me in the parking lot and accosted me, in an accusing tone, saying:  "You should not have sent your youngest daughter to that meeting with your older daughter!!  That was very inconvenient for me.  You should have called me first."

I responded:  "I'm sorry I didn't think to call you.  My friend died very suddenly and I had to go to the funeral home.  I called the other leader and she was ok with it.  It was all done in a hurry."

"Well!", said the leader, "I have to plan ahead for these meetings and I have to get crafts and things ready for the girls and I need to know how many are coming to a meeting blah blah blah blah....."

I interupted (ticked off, at this point) and said:

"Not to worry.  The next time one of my friends feels like dying, I'll ask them please to do so at a more convenient time that allows me to inform you and request your permission to make alternative plans."

 

Her mouth dropped open and she walked away in a huff and I thought:

"Most people would likely have just offered condolences.

   I can't imagine what's in some people's heads.

[teartracks]

Hi Gaining Strength,

I've been trying to get to your thread all day.  I can't say it better than Izzy.  Hold your ground and get it done right.

My best to you and the 'boy'.

tt

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Gaining Strength))))))))   I'm sorry you felt slighted. I bet those women are too clueless to genuinely slight anyone (totally absorbed in their own little worlds)... and it doesn't sound to me like they have any more clue about what to do with a troop of cubbies. The leadership makes all the difference for those little guys, so... I would be switching troops!

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I am so sorry that you are hurting . You are such a kind, compassionate person. You would think that people in groups would understand that families are all different. I think that your son is  fortunate to have you for a mother. I wish that *I* did(lol)
 You may be feeling badly for your son, beyond this issue, that he does not have a Dad. That could be part of it, too, GS.
 This is not reallly relevant,but I did everything to GIVE my son a nuclear family and look how that turned out.
 We had the mother and father ,who did ALL the activities.
  I am just saying this to say that in my case, the 'perfect"(from the outside)nuclear family was the worst thing I could have done . I should have been a single mother.Yours was from death,but I should have gotten a divorce. Maybe, nothing would have helped or changed things,but your son is most fortunate and THAT is my point.
  AS far as the Cub Scouts,I know that your wisdom  will show you the way to go.              Love   Ami

[lighter]

GS

The phrase "don't ask, don't get" comes to mind.

Talk to the head bear den mama's and see about getting at least one other mama to join in events so you and your son feel more comfortable.

If they aren't lazy piggy selfish people, they'll make it work.

If they are.... then you might better find a nicer group of people to get involved with, if possible. 

Maybe one or two other mama's would be willing to be more involved.

Remember, everyone has their own dragons to slay, they're focused on those dragons. 

They may not even realize what your dragons you're dealing with, much less how they can accomodate you. 

"don't ask, don't get"

So ask. 

[DailyMail]

I'm still wondering why they feel the necessity to divde by gender lines?  Is there something that wouldnt be appropriate for a woman to be around?  that would make the boys/leaders uncomfortable?  I joked about athletic cups, but was half serious.  There must be a reason for the resistance that perhaps hasn't been made clear yet.

There was a workshop once a few years ago that I REALLY wanted to attend about the metaphor of knights/warriors, and was denied access, which I felt snubbed over.  But then I realize the entire motive for the workshop was for men to explore the roles our culture assign to them, and what masculine roles they could adopt instead...getting in touch with their masculine identities.

I still wish I didn't have to miss it, but I also need to respect the needs and goals of people different from me.

I'm not trying to take the sides of the leaders, just wondering what the reason is, and how legitimate it might be, for their divisiveness.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks everyone for your support.  I did go of course.  There were plenty of mothers there.  The pack is made up of 8 or 10 dens and it was only our little den leaders who said none of our mothers were going.  I didn't stand out and my little one knew nothing about the situation - really the only person who did was me.  

I was not really so worried about my son.  I was being much more selfish.  I was complaining about the lack of consideration to me as a single mother.  When she wrote that "none of our mothers are going" it was just another experience of being invisible.  "Hello, yes ONE of our mothers is going because there is not father."  

[Gaining Strength]

Daily Mail - it was just on group of 8 or 10 who said no mothers were going.  It was just because they didn't feel like going.  In the other dens the mother, sisters, little brothers and fathers all went.  It was meant to be a family event.  It was just the little group that my son was assigned that decided completely on their own to tell the families to send the dads.  And it is just our little group that has several events for boys and fathers.  None of the other dens do this.  It's just too bad that we got this assignment.  I point was simply that I felt slighted because these two mothers didn't have the thoughtfulness to think about the fact that one of the little boys in their den does not have a father.

It wasn't really a big "no women" allowed movement it was just two women who chose not to go and tried to make it all about fathers because they didn't want to go.

[DailyMail]

gotcha!


well, then, your objection and presence has likely raised an awareness they now have