Nervous about posting.

[Cj]

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I was reading a thread about shame earlier, and seem to be getting closer to understanding somethings. I think the reason I am constantly censoring myself, and getting into a constant state of anxiety when I speak ((thread posting is a nightmare, online mostly, even though I do it a lot), real life situations are such a rare occurance these days) might be because of shame. Why would I be so worried about posting if I know I am a good person? I feel it is this inherant 'badness' (note commas) is what keeps me so restricted in exposing myself, and/or fear of being wrong/disapproval. It is and has been KILLING me for years. Repressed anger to maybe. I tell myself I shouldn't post, but thats not really solving anything is it? I just can't believe I've always felt so ashamed in my whole self, when I didn't need to be like that. (or like this!). Times now and again, it feels ok, I read and realise it is ok to be me, but mostly its the other way, and I feel at mercy, of what I don't know (well shame) or being disliked (which of course would confirm I am 'bad'). Sorry (haha) just needed to get that of my chest. (Or am I just looking for everyone to run at me saying, NONO Cj your posts are fine ete etc....it doesn't get any less confusing)
Ah well...

Slowly learning....

[Anonymous]

A woman once gave me a great gift: she told me that no one is really thinking about me for more than 5 minutes. I thought everyone was focused on my flaws and feeling heavily disapproving/critical. She told me no one really cared a whole lot what I said or did, that they were all thinking about themselves and not about me. It was a great relief not to feel the target of everyone's hatred (which I'd imagined was the case at all times). At one time, I wouldn't have listened to her, but I was ready.

bunny

[Barbie]

I posted and nothing happened so I'm just testing right now.

[Barbie]

Alright! It worked so here goes.

I'm new here guys.  This is my second post.  The reason I have joined is because I saw a lot of my problems being talked about here so for that I am thankful.  I would like to understand myself more and I felt I needed a support type of group so let me just say, I am so happy I found this site and most anxious to meet everyone.

[mighty mouse]

CJ,

Hi. You know what? There's not a damn thing wrong with you. Did you know that? You have just as much right to breathe the air, feel your feelings, express yourself as anyone else.

And Bunny is right. If you knew how little people think about you (and me and all of us), you wouldn't spend any time worrying about what they think. People are mostly focused on themselves and their stuff. So what?

This shame is self imposed because of bad tapes in your head. I know, I've been there. I tried to read some of your previous posts and didn't see much, but I know you have some junk with your Dad. I have a N Mom and I felt shame for years because I was always in a one down position with her. Anything I did couldn't ever be as wonderful or magnificent as her. All my life it's been her way or the highway. I finally got smart and took the highway. Now anything she says I take with a grain of salt. I realized she is a ridiculous person. She no longer has power over me. It's a good feeling.

Sometimes It's a you or them situation. IMO, I think you have shame perhaps because you lack a self, an identity. That's what I lacked. When you have someone projecting on you all the time and telling you what you are, it's hard to see your own reality. You must keep slugging away until you get it or it sinks in as you say. And it will someday. Be gentle with yourself and just keep knowing that you are a good person. Find your reality instead of the one imposed on you.

Keep coming here and let loose if you want to. We want to hear your story. You need to tell your story. Thinking you're self indulgent is just another bad tape.

MM

[Cj]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I know what your getting at.  When you say, you didn't see much in my earlier threads, ha, it makes me think those same (I'm making a big deal out of nothing, punchline 'My feelings don't matter, and are never as bad as anyone elses') feelings again haha. Are we beginning to see a pattern here?

The 'sense of self' (lack) registers big time though.

[Anonymous]

Cj,

If people aren't getting what you write, it doesn't mean you're a nothing person and everyone dislikes you. This feeling can be helped more quickly than you think by experimenting in writing a different way. You can delete any sentence that says, "I don't know what I'm trying to say," or "I'm confused," etc. Change your writing style, and your life might change. I'm serious! If you say to yourself: "But I am confused, and I want people to know how I feel!" that is a legitimate choice. But there is a consequence to it. If you delete sentences like that, you might find that things change within you.  Acting "as-if" can really make a difference, as humans are extremely influenced by suggestion.

bunny

[Cj]

Now I feel dumb. :S. I'm not sure what your getting at.

Are you suggesting I'm not expressing myself and my feelings very properly, and inviting feedback? Not trying to connect?

[BlueTopaz]

Hi CJ,

When we are hypersensitive to certain things, we often miscontrue meanings of others words, in a way that fits with our feared self beliefs.

I was doing this for years, and at one time in my 20's (am in 30's now), I was unable to even watch tv. shows where a character was saying things to another like "your stupid" "your a nobody", etc., because I was so hypersensitive to these things in my own mind, that I felt they were talking directly to me!   Even just hearing it like that on tv. was further eroding my self esteem, and I had to turn the channel.    

I could tell yet more things that I find so sad & amazing now, about ways I would also feel ashamed of myself, of just my "being" and how I would think and view others comments and behaviors toward me because of that.  
 
At the epitomy of hypersensitivity, we just naturally look at what others say through the filter of our insecurities.

The more you get to understanding what is behind the shame you feel (which gladly, you mention you are in the process of doing) and how this is affecting your perceptions, the more you will be free of the debilitating false filters.

You will gain more self confidence and have more peace of mind.

Take care.

[mighty mouse]

CJ,

When you say, you didn't see much in my earlier threads

I simply meant I could only FIND two posts. Nothing to do with content.

MM

[Cj]

Hi, sorry MM, that was to Bunny. .

Thanks for your reply, good words.

Your reply was interesting to BlueTopaz. Wow, and the extent to which those feelings stretched, as you recalled.  That is alarming in a way. But yes, I can see a similarity with a sort of paranoia in myself (well thats what i call it, but this has put a totally different (deeper) angle on it). The way peoples actions/gestures, and words can have a life all of their own, albeit one which is distorted. In how Its percieved. So yes, what you say makes sense. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Now I feel dumb. :S. I'm not sure what your getting at.

Are you suggesting I'm not expressing myself and my feelings very properly, and inviting feedback? Not trying to connect?

What I tried to say, probably clumsily, was that you may be creating a negative feedback loop without intending to. If you write, "I don't know what I mean," "I feel stupid," "Now I feel even worse," or things to that effect, it creates a feeling of helplessness in the reader. This gives you the feedback from them, that there's not much anyone can do. This reinforces your feeling of despondency. If you change the way you write, the feedback loop will also change. I am not saying you don't express yourself properly. I'm saying you may be creating a feedback loop that sustains a bad feeling in you. And this can be changed.

bunny

[Cj]

I'm with you now .

Now I feel dumb. :S. I'm not sure what your getting at.

Are you suggesting I'm not expressing myself and my feelings very properly, and inviting feedback? Not trying to connect?

What I tried to say, probably clumsily, was that you may be creating a negative feedback loop without intending to. If you write, "I don't know what I mean," "I feel stupid," "Now I feel even worse," or things to that effect, it creates a feeling of helplessness in the reader. This gives you the feedback from them, that there's not much anyone can do. This reinforces your feeling of despondency. If you change the way you write, the feedback loop will also change. I am not saying you don't express yourself properly. I'm saying you may be creating a feedback loop that sustains a bad feeling in you. And this can be changed.

bunny