I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I was reading a thread about shame earlier, and seem to be getting closer to understanding somethings. I think the reason I am constantly censoring myself, and getting into a constant state of anxiety when I speak ((thread posting is a nightmare, online mostly, even though I do it a lot), real life situations are such a rare occurance these days) might be because of shame. Why would I be so worried about posting if I know I am a good person? I feel it is this inherant 'badness' (note commas) is what keeps me so restricted in exposing myself, and/or fear of being wrong/disapproval. It is and has been KILLING me for years. Repressed anger to maybe. I tell myself I shouldn't post, but thats not really solving anything is it? I just can't believe I've always felt so ashamed in my whole self, when I didn't need to be like that. (or like this!). Times now and again, it feels ok, I read and realise it is ok to be me, but mostly its the other way, and I feel at mercy, of what I don't know (well shame) or being disliked (which of course would confirm I am 'bad'). Sorry (haha) just needed to get that of my chest. (Or am I just looking for everyone to run at me saying, NONO Cj your posts are fine ete etc....it doesn't get any less confusing)
Ah well...
Slowly learning....