FOO(family of origin) Stuff(Will it EVER go away?)-----bleh

[Ami]

 I saw two  FOO patterns. I am happy,but  it seems like the FOO things have layers and layers.
I saw two things,with the help of my friend.
 One was when  I made a "mistake". My friend accepted my apology(graciously),but *I*  had shame raining down on my head(from myself-my M in my head ,really) I was very distraught,  bereft.
 It was a combination of many factors, fear of anger, fear of abandonment, fear of making a mistake, fear of myself destroying myself for making a mistake. It was a whole ball of yarn, with me ,in the middle sucking my thumb,if you know what I mean.
  Boy, the FOO stuff hurts SO badly. It picks you up, as if you are in a tornado and swirls you around,mercilessly.
 Then, hopefully,it sets you down and you can figure  out what happened.
 Then on top of that, I was feeling SO happy, yesterday, so deeply happy and peaceful and *I* sabataged it by getting in to a shame spiral.
 I see that I must sabatage joy and peace b/c I have to 'pay" for having joy and peace,like my M made me pay for anything "good".  I have to bring down my joy like my M did----bleh.Hopefully,by facing it,I can heal it.
 Can anyone relate?                             Ami
 

[Ami]

Thanks Amber
I am a hurting"girl",today(lol) .
Does it hurt to see it, Amber?                  Ami

[Gabben]

  it seems like the FOO things have layers and layers.

I cannot even read the rest of your paragraph without commenting on this. So true. Layers and layers. Ami -- I thought that I had worked through my abandonment issues after 4 intensive years of T. I figured I had integrated the trauma and was healed at least as far as that trauma was concerned.

But then this last go around shocked me. I could not believe how much trauma that little 4 year old had to experience or chose not to experience at that time, I don't blame my inner child for shutting down. The FOO pain is tough even now as an adult.

((((((((AMI)))))))))


I wish I had more to say, perhaps later.

I'm glad Amber is here to help.

Gabben

[Ami]

Thank you Amber,Lise ,Besee.
JUST knowing I am not alone is so, so  healing,in itself. I feel better, already.                                 Ami