Back to Angry!!!!!!

[gratitude28]

OK,
Tell me... is there a point where you really and truly let this all go and just live happily and ignore all the little games?????? I have been going through a few weeks of being irritated, extremely, by my NM. She is coming to visit at the end of the month (invited herself - only for 4 or 5 days) and I have no desire to see her. She calls once in a great while, but it is obvious that I am sooooo uninteresting to talk to... and she only brightens when speaking of my sister. I get through the conversations by being chipper, which annoys her, I can tell. She enjoys talking only about health issues or her cats... the rest of everything is too dull.
I wish I could really break contact. How can you do that? I would have to let her know I don't give a fig about her and I know she is a full-fledged liar. That is not my thing. In my normal life, I can let people just fade away, but it is hard to do with a parent.
I also find myself back to wanting to annoy her. I am not trying yet, but I feel that "need" coming on...
Any ideas/help????
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Beth)))))))  I hear you. 

Of what you wrote here, two words leapt out... "invited herself".  Practically speaking, that's where I'd begin.

Have you ever told her, simply and clearly, without further explanation:  "You may not come to visit now."   ?

"It's not convenient."

"Your choice of timing does not work for me and my family."

.

??

More hugs,
Carolyn

[gratitude28]

I have to have the visit - my kids know she is coming. I just have a feeling that since I am not playing her games, it is going to start getting ugly with her. We have already set boundaries for this summer when we are due to move - we are moving directly and won't be going anywhere to visit anyone. The truth is, I know she has no desire to deal with us and the kids anyways. I just get so annoyed - I can't understand that people around her do not think it is strange that she has no contact with her grandkids (Oh... I forgot... she send them 5 dollars in a card on major holidays), yet talks to my sister three times a day. She brags about her cats and what they do and is totally uninterested in what her grandchildren do. I just don't get it. WHY DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS?????

[tayana]

Hey Beth.  Being in a similar situation I know exactly where you are coming from, except my parents won't drop in on me unannounced.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't.  I can't do it with my own mother.  We have nothing to talk about because I can't tell her anything that's going on in my life, and if I do, she finds a way to either use it against me or else ruin it.

(((((beth)))))

[gratitude28]

Tay,
I also tell my mother nothing about my life now - what's the point. I used to tell her things, but she's either "been there, done that" or totally disinterested. So on the rare occasion she calls, we talk about the weather and random stories from her life. (Usually cruel stories that entertained her).
So I am glad my life is mine and I no longer try to share.
Thanks for your input!!!
Beth

[tayana]

Beth,

My mother always grabs onto things I've said and either criticizes what I've done or plan to do, or else she decides to "help me out."  Usually helping me out involves something that costs me a fortune, so I'd rather not be helped at all.  I'm still working on learning to accept help from other people without feeling guilty.  My girlfriend washed dishes the other night, and I really had a hard time with it.

So, I just keep things very low key and talk about nothing important.

[gratitude28]

Here's typical of the things my NM does... since it is so hard to pull out specific events...

I just got a joke from her about drinking beer and how much the average person drinks.

I never hear from her, yet she forwards a joke about drinking, knowing that I am in AA...

So, a million things happen in her life, and the only one she bothers sharing with me is a joke about how much beer we should drink...

[papillon]

Hi G28,

Yep, loved your posts, and the topic. I guess it means you're in touch with your feelings, which is important. I was wondering if there was anything I could say that might help. Then I read it again and found the part I think I can help you with, but I think we need Izzy's help too.

Izzy Izzy, hey girl, get over here.[/b][/size][/size][/size]

"I also find myself back to wanting to annoy her. I am not trying yet, but I feel that "need" coming on..."

Leah's list of P/A things is definitely the way to go. Could be useful to get the ideas bank flowing? Then a bit of prune juice thrown into the coffee? There must be a square-off allowed for the beer joke. I have a few appalling articles on the awful diseases that cat's pass on to their owners. Do you want me to find them? Maybe you could print them out and turn them into colorful place mats for the breakfast table when she arrives. I might be able to find some exciting enlarged shots of feline parasites that they say enter their owners bodies and cause a mental deterioration of some type. That's a novel conversation starter.

You said she 'has' to come because the children know. Is there any way you can have a medical emergency, perhaps an emergency tubular ligation, or an ingrown toe-nail operation the day before she arrives. Then and you just stay propped in a chair, covered in bandages. She'll have to do all the work, cook, clean, pack away. That will give her something to complain about and look good about for years.

No wait, I'm getting closer to the perfect solution. We're all about taking control and being personally responsible, aren't we? What if you go get a couple of wisdom teeth out the day before she arrives. You don't need them. Then when she comes you won't have to talk to her, because you can't. You can not talk, and be agro at the same time, and not get blamed for it. 

Can you move house before she arrives and forget to give her the new address?

That's it for me. I haven't any more sugestions other than to tell her, "Hey mother, I really want to experience something new and different in our relationship. Something we've never done before. Let's talk about me and my life and my children for a while." 

I hope it all goes okay , and you can successfully hide the body.


Papillon

"I try to take one day at a time,  but sometimes several days attack me all at once."   
-Jennifer Unlimited-

[gratitude28]

lolololololol

What wonderful ideas!!!!!!!! Heading out for prune juice now!!!!

Love 'em... Love'em...

More to follow, but had to say thanks!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gabben]

Hi Beth,

I did not realize how much your mom is like mine or at least from your description I can firmly relate.

Just in the last three years I finally threw my arms up and gave up on my mom ever changing or seeing herself and the affect that her selfish and emotionally immature behavior (that's only half of it) has had on her children.


I wish I could really break contact. How can you do that? I would have to let her know I don't give a fig about her and I know she is a fulfilled liar.

My mom is a liar too...bigtime!

Fortunately, I have a sister who I'm very close with. Without my sister it would be very hard for me to cope with my mom.

My sister encourages me by reminding me to not buy into the guilt trips that I get from N mom when I do cut off communication.

Something just shifted in the last year, I stopped caring and stopped responding to n mom YES -- I can ignore all of the little games now and not get worked up like I used to...it is much better for me now.

A fews years back my sister and I worked to cut off contact with my mom, almost completely. It took a while but bottom line whenever she calls or emails, with inappropriate or boundary crossing behavior, we simply just ignore her. It took a long time for this to work, about 2 years. But now my mom know what behavior gets our attention and what does not. When she sends a simple hello email or leaves a friendly message, I can respond to her kindly without saying too much -- I never let my mom in my head.

It feels really good on some levels to be so free from her stress, lies, manipulations, abuses etc. but I do feel a sense of sorrow for my mom and the situation.

Hope some of this helps.

Peace and hugs,
Gab

[gratitude28]

OMG OMG, I am soooooo laughing. I think I will email it to her. I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the supposrt and laughs all.
I am working two of the days she is here - told her I couldn't get them off (I guess I could... but I didn't try). She can be queen of the manor those days and then we only have two days during which I will let her just choose what she wants to do and drive her around. I have my kids with me. How can I not be happy, right?

[ann3]

Hi Beth,

Ns make us feel so angry.  But, what I'm trying to work towards now is accepting that my M was an N, accepting the truth of her Nness and all the stuff she did to me.  I'm trying to aceept, deep within myself that 'Yes, she really did that and I'm not imaging it nor making it up'.

I think that as this acceptance becomes second nature to us, we will not longer ask ourselves questions like WHY DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS?????.  Hopefully, we won't care that others don't notice their Nness and we will be ok with the fact that only we notice.  It's not easy to get to this point, I'm still working on it myself.

Good luck with the visit.  Hope it's short and you do some slow, deep breathing.

[gratitude28]

Ann,
Unfortunately, I cannot seem to get to that point fully. I balance for a while and all seems OK.
I think you may have pinned it down - maybe deep inside I still fear that I am making it up or extending the truth somehow.
Love, Beth

[ann3]

Beth,

give yourself time and yes, I think on a deep level, you are not trusting yourself, you may be self-doubting, asking yourself "am I right?  Is this true?"

Beth, you are correct and it is true.  It may be very painful to accept these truths, these revelations on a deep gut level.  I sometimes wonder if my anger protects me from accepting the pain of the truth.  Am I using anger to shield myself from feeling the sadness and pain of the truth?  If I feel anger, I won't feel (and will mask feeling) the pain and sadness of the truth?  Am I hiding behind my anger so that I will not feel the sadness?

with love

[gratitude28]

Lise,
Thanks for your input here. I didn't mean to gloss over - needed to think about it a bit and collect my thoughts.

My sister and I get along pretty well now. My mother has been manipulating our relationship for as long as I can remeber, I now realize. But my sister is in denial and will only own up to the fact that 1) my mother's house is disgusting 2) she does nothing and goes nowhere 3) she complains instead of changing things. She refuses to believe there is anything wrong with my mother past that. She refuses to see the difference in treatment, even when it's in front of her. And she wants us to all love each other. So... I don't complain about my NM to her. I hardly talk about her at all to her. I avoid discussions about us all "doing something together." I wish I had someone to commiserate with... but I don't know if she will stay in denial forever. I could tell her some things, but it would hurt her a lot and sometimes I am not sure if she would want to believe me.

I need to keep her out of my head, as you said, Lise, and mostly I do. But sometimes it comes rushing in and just pisses me off.

Thanks for the post (((((((((((Lise))))))))))

Beth