Strong Feelings

[Ishana]

It's been a year since I've seen my Dad or my Stepmom.  My Dad is the Enabler to the nth degree and my Stepmom is the Narcissist.  This isn't the first time I've gone this long without contact...one time it was 9 years.  I've actually only seen him a couple dozen times since I left home at 18.

This is so hard because I love my father very much.  There is a good person in there, underneath.  But he not only condoned but PARTICIPATED in some serious abuse toward myself, my younger sister and my brother.  Severe, tortourous type of abuse on a regular basis from the time I was 7, my sister 5 and my brother 2 1/2 (my mother passed away when we were little.)  

But, as all of you here know, the emotional abuse from an N parent is the worst.  All of us kids are pretty severely damaged emotionally.  The wonder is that we are not all living in mental institutions.  My brother and sister are legally disabled from the abuse.


Fast forward to the present.  In which they (my Dad and Stepmom) have created this "alternate reality" from which they operate.  And in this alternate reality I am "bad" because I am the one who refuses to compromise my integrity in a variety of ways.  Mostly because I refuse to pretend they weren't child abuse perpetrators.  Which makes me bad and dangerous.  

The short of it is that I decided, a year ago, that it wasn't worth it anymore to try to be in relationship with them, no matter how superficial or limited.  Because I get hurt every time.

So I am living every day feeling the feelings this decision generates.  "I miss my Dad...I may never see him again."  " Their parental rights should have been revoked...it makes sense that I can't tolerate them."  "I feel sorry for myself that I have this dysfunctional family."  "What if I become like them...am I doing enough not to be like them?"  On and on.

And I am noticing...

I like myself better.

I don't feel guilty as often as I used to.

I'm expecting others to treat me fairly and with respect, even in relationships where the balance of power isn't or hasn't been equal.

Its getting easier to be assertive.

I'm more relaxed.

I'm not so afraid they might call and I'll get hurt...again.

I'm more in touch with my anger.  Now I'm learning how to deal with the anger.

I'm turning to myself more often intead of looking to others to comfort me or give me approval.

I am sad that this is the way it has to be.  I miss my Dad and hope he understands why I have made this decision.

BTW, I should explain that I have given them both many opportunities to have a conversation about the ways in which we relate and how we might want to make changes.  No response.  Ever.

I have given my father many opportunities to try to have a relationship one on one with him.  NO response.  Ever.

Everything...every conversation...has to include my stepmother.  Every phone conversation we had was recorded...and he wouldn't talk to me without her being on the other line.  I guess so they could rehash the conversations and pick out all the bad things I said and make me look evil.  Which is what they always said about me.

They are paranoid and weird.  They are also the only parents I will ever have.  Even though I've tried several times to "create" a substitute family it never happened.  I understand that now I have the opportunity to have my own family and make it happy and loving.  Which I do have and am grateful every day for.  But its a lot of work for me, especially emotionally.

My Dad and Stepmom barely even know my son...their only grandchild.  They never asked about him when we were communicating.  What kind of grandparents cannot even love their own grandchild?

Narcissistic ones, apparently.

It sucks.  I want to be from a good family like other people I know.   Why does it have to be me that this happened to?  OK, self pity is not a virtue, I realize.  But its a real feeling right now.  

Ishana

[Anonymous]

Hi Ishana,

Thank you for writing and listing the ways you are healing.  I think I might do that for myself.  You've been down quite a road.

If it helps, it seems like your Stepmom hangs on the phone to make sure you don't talk about her and/or try to "steal" her husband (your dad) away from her.  It doesn't necessarily have to do with the things that are actually said.  It IS very weird.  

This is how my NSIL is with my brother.  Absolutely paranoid that other people behave exactly the way she does (lying behind people's backs, undermining, divide-and-conquer tactics, etc etc. very selfish and grasping )  

I think it is absolutely natural and normal to mourn the losses you have experienced.  It sounds as though its impact is shrinking.  I don't think the hurt ever goes away completely because it is your past experience.  I was just thinking today about how I am/was soooo intimidated by my Ndad in the past (still sort of working on it).  He is now too self-absorbed to notice anyone around him, really.  I have this strange Wizard of Oz feeling of "what?  I was scared of you?  How foolish is that?"   and it feels like a big hole or absence of this fearful energy that I can't really describe.  It is rather disorienting in a way.

I also know this might be a cop-out of a response, but no one has a perfect life.  Some may have nice parents, but there are many many types of lessons and challenges for everyone.  I don't mean to minimize your experience at all!!  My child's kindergarten teacher gave me one line of wisdom I'll never forget: "every child has an issue."  (Uh, yeah, she happened to be talking about my child at the time   , but it was nice to hear that she wasn't singling us out )

Anyway, thank you again for writing your poignant thoughts here.  Take care, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Ishana,

I'm sorry you and your siblings suffered under the psychosis of these parents.  I think it is BETTER for your grandson not to know these people if they torture and abuse children. Thank goodness he is safe from them.

Your mom died and you were thrown into this snakepit by your father. If he participated in abuse, I see him as a bit more than an enabler. But I understand that you are attached to him nonetheless. It seems you are ambivalent, and that makes sense to me.

The longing for good parents never goes away. BUT it can be channeled into other things and used as a creative force. The energy doesn't always have to be focused on the parents.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Ishana,
Listing your healing is such a good idea! It must reaffirm that you have made the best decision! I think I will keep a running tab of mine too!  That's a good attitude to have when you are trudging through the hard parts of life!
Peace, sjkravill