sexual abuse

[James]

Ami...thanks for you note. What you said is the same way i feel about my own life. It is a little scary at times but it keeps getting better the more i do it. You certainly have been a stong support for me during the last week and i am so glad you're here. I decided earlier i wanted to leave after a sleepless "last night" ,even deleted my story and a no. of posts. Just couldn't bear going over to that story page knowing mine was there. I do feel better about this and maybe now i can begin to put my past to rest, FiNALLY. Heck, i even tried to delete my account but i spent and hour and could not find the intructions to do it and almost felt trapped lol. Part of my "instruction-itis" disorder. Maybe this time it paid off for a change.......love James

[Ami]

LOL---James.
I have to tell you I NEVER read my story and always want to erase it.I just pretend it is not there(lol)
I think you made the right decision to stay. Any group,anywhere, has the same dynamics.
Any group has people who "get" you , people who don't ,people who like you, and people who don't(usually for their own reasons ,which have nothing to do with you) and people who are threatened by you.It is the nature of groups(IMO)
  You are here to be honest . That will heal you and that is ALL that matters!               Love    Ami

[Ami]

How are you doing, today, James?                                           Ami

[Iphi]

Catching up with your topic James - I'm glad you endured past your experience of crisis and decided to stick around.  Hey, I think about posting my story, but I can't deal with it even in my mind.  I have a lot of trouble even reading others' stories.  You and everyone who has posted their own story - yes you are courageous and that is a courageous act. 

[James]

Ami........I agree with what you write. The hardest experience that i've faced is to become totally honest with my feelings and I can't imagine anything being more important. It really is the foundation for living well IMO. Its helping me to find my boundaries and differentiate mine from others.... in my FOO there were none and my feelings then and sometimes now became entangled with others. My parents hijacked mine and without them i was essentially directionless in life, feeling lost. Its changing for the better the more i am honest with all of them and i'm finding the courage to share them. .....................    James

[James]

Hi Iphi..............writing that story was difficult but what surprised me were my feelings after i posted it.  It felt strange knowing that so much of my trauma was "next door" and others could read it but letting others read it was not nearly as frightening as facing it myself....This is the most important benefit that i found from doing it.  It's clear how traumatized i was during childhood......and still am at times.......IMO i think its an important step in finding voice . Just writing it helps to take away the power my childhood had over my adult life and i feel more free now.....even if it was only up there for a week or so..............thanks  James

[Certain Hope]

Just writing it helps to take away the power my childhood had over my adult life and i feel more free now.....even if it was only up there for a week or so..............thanks  James

Dear James,

This is what I was trying to express before, about getting the old musty stuff out into the light... because that's where it loses its hold over you...
almost as though it begins to dry up, and then the breezes can blow it away, like so much chaff.

Of course that takes time...
and eventually, I think the need to share our stories becomes less and less, because we're no longer defined by them.

Recently, I shared a bit of my own story with some people who offered no consolation. It was interesting... because I was not devastated by their lack of response. A bit offended, yes, but not wiped out. And I realized... I don't need for them to understand what I endured. It's enough that I understand... and that I won't be going back to that condition again. And that is true freedom.
Hope that makes sense, James. And on the flip side... just please be cautious for now about sharing yourself in the wrong places... because some folks seem to eat bad news for lunch. I think you are doing amazingly well!

Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear James
  How are you doing, today? Thinking of you!                                Hugs,  Ami

[James]

Hi Certain Hope.......thank you for your knowledge. I am one of those people who has to find out for myself before i believe. I sense when something is right but that has to be put to the test before i accept it. You were right with the observations you shared earlier. Now i see for myself it is true. I never want to go back to my prison. This taste of freedom is very precious to me. I used to put myself in harms way without knowing it. At that time i was without self/feelings. I see the difference now as i reclaim those. They are my guide in life,  my way of sensing danger or other. interestingly, as i know myself better i see that at times i have ran or struck back at others. Now i recognize these behaviors in myself as protecting very old wounds that were triggered. Sometimes another's honesty triggered feelings of dishonesty i found in myself, or maybe unconsciously an event/person etc. struck old unresolved hurts mostly without me knowing it. I am sure there are many reasons but i'm beginning to see how all this works. I find it exciting.   Thank you for your support and sharing the truths you have found.......James

[Certain Hope]

Hi, James,

I understand... and I think you're continuing to do amazingly well.
Especially, it's great to read that you're excited about the prospects before you 
and I just want to say that your direct and honest approach is so refreshing... and I really appreciate it.. and you.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[James]

Carolyn...for me it seems i can best understand others by understanding and being honest with myself...do you find this true also?   James

[Certain Hope]

Carolyn...for me it seems i can best understand others by understanding and being honest with myself...do you find this true also?   James

Yes!  At least, even if my understanding is weak, I can hear others alot better without all the fog of all my own defense mechanisms and hidden gunk clouding the view.

You're absolutely right, I think, James.

Oh, and on a side note - Another thing that's really helped me is to limit my exposure to input to a reasonable quantity. How much is going to be a really subjective matter to each individual, no doubt, but for a while there I was absolutely inundating myself with information... and the overload was wayyy too much.
Now I read a bit and then work it off (kinda like eating a chocolate bar and then exercising away the calories... lol)  giving myself a chance to process what I've taken in before swamping it over with tons more stuff. That applies for me here on the board as well as everywhere else in life... whether talking with friends and family or engaging in hobbies, whatever. Balance. Sure has been elusive over the years, but finally feels like it's slipping into place! 

Carolyn

[James]

Carolyn....my feelings, i lost in the fear i had of my parents as a child. I carried this into the adutl life. Feelings are my sensors. I was afraid of mine and hence confusion. I sought input from others(a lot) and often they would without knowing or even knowing it offer destructive advice for their own sick purposes. I always struggled from this not being able to see it. And even if they meant well and were right it only worked for that moment, as soon as whatever passed i was lost again, an endless cycle. What an exhausting way to live. It's gettin a lot easier now since i'm in the process of recovering my own feelings.      James

[Certain Hope]

James, just wanted to check whether I'm hearing you correctly...

are you saying that input from personal experience from others (like me) isn't really helpful,
 because your own feelings must be your guide?
If that's it, I couldn't agree more!!

For most of my life I've been unaware of most of my own feelings, almost like running on autopilot... or maybe more like remote control.
I mean, I do like to hear other peoples' stories and views and opinions, but never to allow them to instruct me as to how I "should" feel.
Sometimes (like when tired or overwhelmed) it is a challenge not to absorb others' feelings like a sponge and even possibly try to make them my own, but it seems like that just takes practice to bring into balance, too.

Also, I've often followed other peoples' lead without having a solid foundation of my own more times than I care to recall, so I do know what it's like to wind up just as lost as at the beginning. Definitely exhausting... and demoralizing... and destabilizing.

Anyhow, sounds to me like you're saying that hands-on experience is the best teacher, and I agree... as long as we're in touch enough with our own selves to know whether something or someone is building us up or tearing us down...
or keeping us stagnant. One brick of knowledge and experience atop the next is the only way to build a lasting structure.

Am I following you at all or completely off track?
Thanks!

Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear James
 I have been on the board for a year and a half and you are making the type of progress in finding your voice that it took me so long to make. I think that you are ready to heal and you have the insight and willingness to be honest ,which will take you there. It is exciting to watch your progress.
 You are following truth . It will lead you out of the lies and distortions which ARE emotional sickness in to emotional health.                         Love   Ami