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Voicelessness & New Job Worries :-(

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phoenix:
bye

BlueTopaz:
Hi Phoenix

No- I’ve never read that, but having come out of a relationship with an N, the title certainly speaks well…   Thanks for the mention of it.

I’m so glad that you have been able to turn things around so well!  It seems like a really big change has taken place for you.   I’m really intrigued by how you made such a big change.

I know I won’t be able to get to the bookstore (the quickest way to get something vs. ordering) this week (and I start job next week) but I will put that on my list.   I have resorted to reading online about these things for now.

By the way, Seeker (if you are reading this) and for anyone else, the bullying site link you posted is really excellent.   It contains so much detailed information about bullying, including legal avenues.   I didn't expect it to be so rich with info.

Anyway, I had been romantically involved with a man with strong N traits for 5 years, and when that ended about a year ago, I read all I could (tons) about Nism, and joined several discussion forums to read about others experiences with N’s, as well.

The main crux put forth in terms of dealing with unreasonable N’s  or difficult people in general (such as one might find in the workplace), seemed to be indifference.    

Is this what Sandy H. says to do, in the book?    Is this what has helped you so much?  

Can you tell me, just briefly, the main idea as to why she thinks certain people get targeted over & over?

I don’t think I have ever been a perpetual bully-target in life, but I know I react badly in certain situations (this job is the epitomy of such a situation), which could attract trouble situations to me.

But in terms of xN partner, I know I attracted that relationship (i.e. was a detectable target) & stayed in it so long, because of faulty, and low self beliefs.   I have thinking patterns I'm trying to heal, or targeting because of what I'm putting out as acceptable to me would be repeated.

Thanks....

BlueT.

phoenix:
bye

BlueTopaz:
Phoenix,

Thanks sooooooooo much for taking the time to look through the book for me.  I truly appreciate it.

Just started a new job too?   It’s helpful to hear from someone going through same thing.    Sheesh… it didn’t take long at all  for trouble to come calling, did it!    Yes, I’ve witnessed the types.   Their sheer immaturity is really what has them acting so asinine, and there is nothing in the world one can say to reason with them, as it is though they haven’t quite yet even developed the emotional ability to reason in a certain manner.   Well, come to think of it, that is the descrip.  of an N, too.  Stuck at a lesser developmental stage emotionally.  Luckily for some (where it is just age-related), it is something they grow out of!    

That is just where indifference chimes in, I suspect.    I love what you say about indifference being the canceling point.   I will remember that phraseology.

I have my work cut out for me  because both my thinking & physiology have become accustomed to feeling rage if  feel that I am being very blatantly mistreated.   I see that this is exactly what you are referring to, when you mention about our catering to these kinds of dynamics.

I know that is what fed xN in the former relationship.   My emotional reactions of hurt, frustration, etc.  

I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided I will look at it like a little game, and also a little challenge I can give myself….    I will try to actually take pleasure in my indifference, knowing how smart I am being, and knowing that I am learning something really valuable that will serve me always…

It is like what you are saying, when you can see her faltering when coming up against her own powerlessness hehe…      That would be scoring a goal, shooting a hoop, a 40 love… lol….    

I was catering to the nonsense I had spent my life defending myself against; but more, I felt willing .

Yessss….    Myself also with the catering, and more than willing, I felt compelled….  Now, I will have the opportunity to use an alternate way…    A challenge, but I'm trying reeeeeally hard here, to see it as an exciting one (argh)...

Thanks so much again Phoenix, and congratulations on working your indifference stuff so well!!   It is truly inspiring to me (it will help me to think about what you've been able to do, if I get into such a situation), and I hope you are proud of yourself.  

Thankfully, in your case this person is leaving, but if another comes along, you know you can handle it.    Though, as you are giving out a dif. energy, they might only come along few & far between, and retreat pretty darn quickly…   :shock:

Take care!

BT

Anonymous:
BT,

What I've learned in decades of working in an office environment. I've rarely had to think much about this stuff, it's now second-nature to me.

--- Pick my battles.

--- Keep a fairly low profile.

--- Don't worry about what's said behind my back, who cares.

--- Make friends with the respectable, reliable people.

--- Be pleasant, reliable and professional. Gain people's respect. Then if a troublemaker dislikes me, she will have a very hard time undermining me.

--- I don't have to be best friends with people.

--- Avoid troublemakers by being boring to them.

--- Find friendly people to vent with.

--- Find friendly people who bring xanax to work.

--- Try to contain or minimize my rage whenever possible. We all have problems; most of us have gotten really angry at work; and no one really wants to deal with a coworker's temper.

--- See a therapist to vent about work.

--- Take time for myself, don't become someone's therapist on the job.

bunny

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