Thought Experiment for healing

[Iphi]

GS wrote:

Suddenly I knew how completely immobilizing my fathers constant humiliation of me has been.  Instances like this, which make no sense, completely constricted me from action, simple action.  But I could not act. 

This is exactly it for me too GS.  That is it, exactly.  I am unfortunately crazy-busy today but your work - so incredbily meaningful to me!  I am so grateful to you and appreciative for sharing it with us.

[Gaining Strength]

Iphi - thanks for the confirmation.  I am so glad we are on this journey together.

I have had another insight.  I have spent much of the past few years avoiding doing things because EVERYTHING produced the shame feeling, aboslutely EVERYTHING down to minutia - brushing my teeth or not brushing my teeth and on and on.  Now that I have made some progress on identifying this shame/humiliation source and getting some distance I must begin to switch from an avoidance mode to a productive mode.

I am extremely thankful that my avoidance mode did not take me into substance abuse, (though many who go that route suffer as few social consequences as have I.)  But I want to build enough of a shield around my psyche so that I can start to be productive without being dessimated by that sense of humiliation which completely shuts me down or sends me into avoidance behavior.  What I do to avoid is to watch tv, spend time doing puzzles, sleep, spend excessive time here.  None of these things are harmful in and of themselves and they all help me zone out from the pain.  But I am ready to lay them aside and move into a stage two.  

For me Stage Two will be to zone into a positive thought process where I am facing the shaming sensation head on.  The more I do this the sooner I will be able to move into the proactive state.  The thing I realized is that I can do this anytime and anywhere.  That should help speed up "recovery."  

Thanks to all for letting me share here.  It is such a help.  I have spent so many years yearning for someone to talk to about these issues, someone to listen and help me find my way.  I found that this concentrated effort is simply too taxing for 3Ders.  But here it falls on a group of people and who ever feels like supporting can and whoever isn't interested can simply ignore.  It is such a perfect way for healing to take place.  I am, as always, very thankful to Dr. Grossman for this place and to each and every member - short term and long term alike. - Thanks to all - GS

Thanks so much for your encouragement Phoenix Rising.  It really helps.

It takes a while for this type of shift to solidify; feel real and steady.  I know you are right and it helps so much to hear this.  I am in the solidifying stage.  It is scary at first - the fear is that it won't solidify but the trick is to overlook that fear and to believe.  That is where I think replacing the avoidance time with  working on  solidifying my positive thoughts will be truly helpful.  Thanks so much.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I am trying to see the deeper roots of your issues. I think your F did what my M did. They intruded in every aspect of our life and "person" They would not allow us to have  boundaries to our 'self". They  decimated all :our thoughts, emotions , perceptions.
 They slithered in ,like  snakes, and  wove a cobweb around us that encompassed us to the  bone. It took all of us and hardly left a sliver. However, they did leave a sliver and that is what we have to begin the rebuilding process.
  Maybe, this is what enmeshment is. They go inside you and wind around your mind and  heart  and squeeze tightly until there is nothing  left.
 You are flat, as barren landscape.
  My greatesr dream in life is to be nothing like my M. It was always my "aspiration".
 Ann said that I AM nothing like her and that is  a start.
 Your F could not take away your true core. I can see and hear it.
 What happened was that we got enmeshed with thier lies. It is that simple, but yet not easy to dismantle.
 I will write more about Ann, later.     Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

You got it Ami.  There is no doubt about your points.  He definitely lives in my head - that ever critical voice shaming and humiliating.  I still believe (only ased on my experience) that children of N parents have a terrible difficult time to be successful in life.  But at least here there is a fighting chance.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I have hope for the first time since I was 14 that I don't have to carry the 'curse" of my M.
 My M made me feel guilty for aspiring to anything beyond where she was.My GM told me to be the best I could be, in every area.
  I see how my M wanted to keep me down, but I can break that bondage .
 Ann had me repeat the parts of my identity that I took from my M  and say that I break the bondage to  the lie  and take the truth of what God says about me to EACH lie I believed.
 IOW, I would say that I renounce the lie that I am socially a "boob" and accept that I am gracious, as God made me.
 If I had a stronghold like I can NEVER be anything good in life b/c I had my M,I replace that with,"I mirror my Father(God).
So, I have to see my identity as God sees it, not as my NM wanted me to see it ,to serve HER.
 Ann is amazing, really amazing, GS.            Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I have hope for the first time since I was 14 that I don't have to carry the 'curse" of my M.
Wow! Are you kidding.  That's incredible!

If I had a stronghold like I can NEVER be anything good in life b/c I had my M,I replace that with,"I mirror my Father(God).
OMG, it sounds simple but very, very difficult.  I wonder if I can summon the courage to do that.  I bet I can.  I wonder if I can summon the discipline.

I'm so glad for you Ami.  That is so incredible to me!!  You really amaze me. 

[Ami]

Ann is sending me info and a sheet for you b/c I told her about you. I will help you do everything Ann did with me, GS.                            Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Wow!  That is sooo nice of you AMi.  Thank you sooooo much!  That really touches me.

Much love to you - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

Really painful dreams last night!  As I move through this the pain is getting greater and greater.  It is the shaming pain and I am living it from the past right through the present and it does shut me down completely.

My dream last night was set in the beautiful home I grew up in.  There was all sorts of activity going on and there were people from my childhood and present life.  I went to sleep in my bedroom. The rest of the crowd slept somewhere there and in the morning there was a bustle of activity.  I did not want to be left out.  I was very, very afraid that I was going to be left out.  I was hurrying as fast as I could. Opening my door, half dressed to figure out where everyone was in their preparations, looking out the window to see who was gathering outside and whether they were leaving or not.  I was franticly trying to connect with people and when anyone had a question or needed help with something I was offering answers and help hoping to connect in and not be left.

THIS is what my entire life has been, bending over backwards, desparate to be included.  Always the persuer, never the persued.

Well almost never.  But when I was pursued - especially romatically but also asked to social or civic activities, I felt obligated to accept and that led to terrible, terrible problems.  This profound feeling of being left out has led to an isolated life.  This goes to my deepest hurts and it all stems from my family dynamic.

I am still reeling from the pain disclosed in this dream.  It is so real and so painful and of course I have noone to discuss it with.  That need to talk about my pain would eventually alienate many people from my life whom I considered friends.  My pain and fear of being on the outside, from an early age, completely destroyed my dating life.  As a teenager I would go on very few dates and when I did I would not know what to say but would try to make a connection.  I knew even then that the trying was alienating and so I tried harder.  It is what I have referred to for many years as accelerating to get my wheel out of the mud - the harder I tried the stucker I got.  This was the same dynamic I ran into in job hunting.  My my mid 30s I knew that the only way I would get work was to create my own.  I could not sell myself for anything.  I didn't have the words then but I was too desparate.

It's sort of like the Cinderella story.  I live in a beautiful house where I am slave to a step mother and sisters (my FOO) and when I ge out I am discovered but I must rush back to my servant's role (my current life in this house in shambles) and wait to be discovered.  Only there will be no discovery.  I must dig myself out now.

[Gaining Strength]

How is it I can figure so much out and yet cannot break this paralysis.  Something must be left.  What in the world could it be?

[Ami]

Oh GS,
 I was on my way out ,but had to write . You are seeing and defining the problem, THAT is a big step and a first step out.
 You see how your "story" was always "pushing" to be included. It was your life theme. It played out in most of your situations and relationships, as you can see.
 We, who were abused, play out different patterns ,over and over ,again,on current situations. We get frozen and unable to stop the patterns and move forward.
 You SEE the pattern.
 Now, I think the answer is spirtual. Psychological insights DO help and have a place, but true power to change is ,often, in the spiritual realm.
 It is a matter of changing your "identity" from an "outsider" to an insider(one who belongs in life)
 I think Ann calls the "outsider" , the "orphan spirit"
  You are on the first step. God will not start a work in you and not bring it to completion.
 I will help you with changing your identity, as Ann helped me.
 It is "simple",in a way. You WILL get there. I am getting better and you will ,too, GS.
            Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

after I posted this morning I lay down an rested.  I ha a memory from 8th grade when I was asked on a date for the first time.  I remember the boys name though I haven't seen him since then.  He invited me to go to the fair that September. 

My parents wouldn't allow me to go.  I was too young they said and besides they didn't know the boy's family.  It was embarrassing to not be allowed.  Everyone else I knew could date then and this was a very innocent outing.

As I lay down I had an image of what it would have been like if my parents had been different.  They were excited for me and my mother helped me plan what I would wear. 

But the most significant thing about this experience is that I remembered that I would have been unsure about what to do or sy on the date if I had been allowed.  That uncertainty would last my whole life.  One of the greatest uncertainties was what I should allow him to pay for and what could I ask for or what could I say I didn't want or want to do or want to eat or would I be asked to have something to eat or would he open the car door for me and if so should I scoot over or expect him to walk around. 

As these thoughts were racing around in my head I knew where they had come from.  I knew all of this had come from my father.  And just as suddenly as I knew this I had images of me at 13 being very composed and very comfortable when the boys parents drove up to pick me up.   I knew what to say and what to ask.  I knew how to have a good time and enjoy the fair with him and have fun running into other kids from school.

But that was not my life.  I lived my life in shame because both of my parents were so deeply shamed.  They could not help me develop the real me. 

When this whole memory/image was over I got up and began cleaning and organizing my pantry.  I have wanted to do this for months and months.  I worked straight for 3 hours.  I got to a stopping point without exactly finishing but I know how to finish later.

All of my life my father would humiliate me and he taught, by example, my brothers to do the same.  My mother followed suit so that she would not get his rath.  But his rath was a silent, noiseless clenched jaw that controlled everyone. 

Had I gone to the fair with my father he would have only allowed me to do the things that he selected.  He would not have allowed me to have the foods I wanted.  He was very moralistic about food and food from the fair was not what "nice" people ate.  He would not have allowed me to play a game until I won a stuffed animal.  He would have made me ride rides that I didn't want to ride if HE said so. 

When I went out into the world I transferred all of this to myself and kept his "rules".  But they never gee'd and haw'd with the way everyone else did things.  This wasn't so much a problem in terms of people dropping me as friends until I was in my mid and late 20s and then it just got to be too much for most people.  That coupled along with the fact that all the people I grew up with had had help getting jobs and careers and inheritance to provide comfortable lives for themselve while I was still living a pauper's life and was angry and resentful. 

So much of this shame comes from perfectionism that my father put on me.  Demands that could not be met and that ended up completely binding me.  Here was this man, moralistic, perfectionistic, NPD, OCD, bi-polar, and successful financially, in business (family) and socially.  These dark traits simply looked to the outside like a very strict and demanding man but it went waayy beyond that and it caused me so much pain and loss. 

I completely understand how I got where I am.  I believe I understand at least one way out.  I wish the way out was not as painful as the way in but it seems like it is to me.

[Ami]

Dear GS
 What do you mean is the way out?  It sounds bad, but I must be interpreting you, wrong.                Ami

[Gaining Strength]

In part I mean the way out of disfunction, the way out of the double bind, the way out of the shame, etc.

But to list them is far too limiting.

[Ami]

You scared me, GS.
 Ann helped me with my "identity". When you talk about shame GS, it is all wound up in our identity.Perfectionism is a tool we use to  fuel the shame. It drives us with a whip and we are  flogged b/c we simply CANNOT reach  the standards it sets.
 I made a  list ,for Ann,of all the parts of my identity I took from my M, such as not being able to  be  socially,gracious person b/c SHE was not and *I* could not aspire to higher than she  without feeling "bad" and condemned.
   Ann and I renounced all the bad characteristics and claimed the ones I wanted.
 I have felt hope since then.
I talked to my M last night. She really could not do better. Her thinking is "missing a piece". She did not try to destroy me, on purpose, even though it felt like it
 Today, I have a deeper peace than I have had since I was in my 20's. I feel like I can get my own peace, from inside me, NOT from others or the outside.
 When you are lost and underwater(emotional problems), you really can't help it. I see that. It is NOT s/one's fault if they are "screwed up"(IMO). It is involuntary, just as my shock after Scott's death was. I could not help it, at all. I went in to shock and I functioned in a certain way, with certain emotions and certain blocks.
 It is the same with emotional and mental illness(IMO). You can't help it. They are defense mechanisms meant to keep you alive ,albeit impaired.
 God builds in survival mechanisms, such as shock when a child dies.
 We, as abused children, had the same type of shock.
 I ,always, felt that it was my fault that I was "screwed up",but it was not.
 The truth is the healer and we are facing the truth,GS.            Love   Ami