Today Is D-Day

[gratitude28]

Today my NM comes to visit for 5 days.

I know why she is coming- I am sure it is to "be even" with my dad (he takes fishing trips, so she has to go somewhere to be 'even'). If he gets anything, then she can justify getting something for herself.

So... she will be here until Monday morning. I don't know how she will be. She was OK when she came to visit overseas, but I actually cared back then and tried. Will she sense that I am not going out of my way at all and try histrionics???? I didn't even take off work for the next two days. I told her I had an extended sub position and could not.

I am actually calm about the whole deal. But if you have any advice, please let me know

Two years ago I would have been feeling destructive towards myself and anxious at this time. Big change

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Oh Beth
 I used to feel self destructive around my M ,too. I don't know why exactly, do you?
 I think the best way to "redeem" the visit is to try to see how YOU are feeling. For example, see what messages YOU have inside. You, being a D of an N, must have many messages of self hate. Try to look at them ,not run. Write them down and then share them with the board, if you want.
 See as many of the lies you are telling yourself,as you can.
 She will provoke more of your distorted  thoughts about yourself ,such as" I am a faliure", b/c she is there, in the flesh(lol)
 In this way,you  can have s/thing valuable from her visit, not just wasted pain and suffering(lol). Compost what does not seem right.
                      Love     Ami

[gratitude28]

I am not sure why one becomes so destructive. Maybe it is a way of proving that we really fit in their "image" of us? I know I don't fit into that picture anymore, so I will not put myself there.
I know she will discuss my body and diet - those are a given. Always a joy. I will have to be positive about all that, as I refuse to let her affect my kids' self-images. I have explained to my kids that we are eating better because I need to take care of my back and I want to be healthy to play with them. I don't play the, "I want to be a beautiful, skinny model" game.
When we went to their house once (a few years ago), the kids got a bit bored, because their house is small and there is nothing for a kid to do, and there were so many mosquitoes outside that you lost a pint of blood even to step out the door. She ordered my kids outside and said, "You don't want to be like those fat kids who do nothing." Totally out of the blue. With no relevance to anything, but the same crap she would say to me as a kid, usually insinuating I was already one of those fat kids.
Her lies still amaze me, but I had fun catching her in one... I knew she would not tell my Aunt she was coming to visit (she likes to play this game of, don't tell anyone, because I don't want to see them). So I 'let slip" that she was coming to visit. Of course she had not even told my aunt, who lives fairly close by. I feel bad in that I even feel that need... why don't I just let it go?????
Thanks, Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Grat - I think you are on to something. 

Will she sense that I am not going out of my way at all and try histrionics???? I didn't even take off work for the next two days. I told her I had an extended sub position and could not.

  I think she will actually act differently and not try histrionics.  I have really changed the way I enteract with my mother.  I do what I need to do and when she lies or does some of her typical passive agressive behavior I just ignor it or "agree" with it.  For instance yesterday I planned to take my son to karate and then to baseball.  She said she wanted to go.  So I said OK.  About 20 minutes before the hour long class is over she starts asking when does it end.  I tell her and offer to go get the car for her.  "No," she said, she just thought it ended sooner.  We get to baseball and I offer to take her home.  "No," she said, she would just read the paper.  An hour into the hour and half practice she is really complaining.  Now it is too late to take her home and I just tell her how sorry I am.  Boy did it make a difference not to get into a disagreement.  It made her behavior different and it helped me tremendously.  After a while I did find myself having to work hard to not react to her attitude but I was successful and it saved both of us.

Just take care of yourself and don't make any "outgoing" effort to sacrifice for your mother.  When she reacts just tell her you want her to be happy and will do all you can.  If she asks something that doesn't fit your needs just apologize that you can't comply and act sorry (even if you aren't).  It is a really powerful feeling to be in charge of your own life in the presence of an N parent.  I haven't been able to do this to the same extent with my father but I am definitely making tremendous progress there too.  I simply don't engage him and when he makes ridiculous demands I just apologize for not meeting up to his standards and needs and I thank him for things that he does that suit him regardless of my needs.  I don't do these things out of weakness but out of power and it makes it easy to do and boy does it feel good.  And that's the plus for me - I feel good in spite of their craziness.

[gratitude28]

Wow, GS, your mother is a trip. It's like an outing with a two-year-old, eh? The funny thing is, my NM would do the same. When she came to visit before, she didn't go to any of the practices with the kids or to any of their activities.
You know, isn't it amazing that as kid, we were expected to sit perfectly for boring adult events, and did, but our N parents can't even sit through a one-hour practice with their grandchildren???
Another thing I love about my mother is that when she comes to visit, she walks around saying, "I wish I could help, but I don't know where such and such goes." "I would feed the dog, but what if he needs to go out?" "I would do the dishes, but what if I scratch one?" In other words, I don't want to help, so I am coming up with excuses.
Thanks GS!!!! It is so nice to see how you are progressing!
Your stories help me a lot!
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Yeah steel doors or a metal shield.  I used the image of a metal shield yesterday when for a fleeting moment I found myself slipping into a dispair around my mother.  It worked.  I bounced back immediately.  I love the MC concept Lollie.  That is outstanding.  That is sort of what I was describing.

Grat - my mother is a trip but miraculously I have moved into a place where she does not get to me emotionally.  Ami suggested that I work on identifying my judgements against her and let go of them.  I had already been working on forgiving her for not being a kind, loving supportive, nurturing mother.  It really helps.  Then I created one in my mind - the one I posted about on my thread - she was a real person and just the kind I would have liked for a mother.  She really, really helps me.

[Betelgeuse]

Grat, good luck to you! Five days is a long time, more than enough to become really drained when in fear/placate mode. All the advice above is really good. Shut those steel doors..

Bee

[gratitude28]

Lollie, Bee, GS, thanks...

Shutting the steel doors always feels like being back in my childhood/youth. I spent so many years "outside" of myself so as to not provoke anything. I was a robot around her... I think I do that now - it is instinctual - like a protective measure. It is hard to be myself, because I like to joke and play, but not when it is like she does - joking at someone else's expense, etc.

Yes, 5 days will be longish, but it is doable.

((((((((((thanks guys)))))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Put up a shield and let her darkness bounce back on her and not penetrate you.

[gratitude28]

I'll sneak one in the next two days from work. We'll see what kind of tricks I have to report!!!
You know, Izzy, how we talked about snooping before? My mother is a huge snooper. The only thing I am going to put away, though, are my books on dealing with nutty parents. The rest... well she can have at it. It's tempting to buy something really freaky - lol...

[Overcomer]

Maybe you should display those books on the coffee table!  I love what G S said.  I like to call it the dumb blonde routine.  She says something that would have pushed a button in the past and I respond with a Oh that is so nice.  She looks at me like I am crazy and I just smile and nod.  My lack of reaction is so not typical that it usually frustrates her to no end!

[gratitude28]

I am not stressed - the situation is almost laughable...

NM came in on her flight... the kids were so excited to see her... We got the bags, got in the car and she got on the phone to my dad. Told him (in front of my son) how my son talks her head off (fortunately we joke with him a lot, so I am sure he took it as a joke, although she didn't mean it as a fun joke - more that it is one of his "annoying quirks").

We went home, sat for a half an hour or so. She gave the kids some presents (no concern as to whether they liked the gifts or not, even though my kids nicely gushed). She then told us we should go ahead and go to bed and she had to make a few calls. My aunt called when we got in the door. This is her older sister who is recently widowed and who cared for a husband with Alzheimer's for years. She swore and said, "ugh, I don't want to talk to her." So, we go to bed and she spends an hour or more on the phone with various people - in various voices (really, it's creepy how she changes personas).

So this morning she slept in. The kids asked if she was going to come down and I told them they would see her after school.

Nothing like family bonds and love, eh????? But at least it's easy

[Leah]

Hi Beth,

So glad that all is stress free - laughing about it is best, I feel.  Oddly enough, my mother is a snooper also, big time, amazing similarity.

So, we go to bed and she spends an hour or more on the phone with various people - in various voices (really, it's creepy how she changes persona's).

My mother too!!  Goodness, thoughts of "cloned" springs to mind.   LOL

Last experience I had was sitting alongside my mother, open mouthed in gasps of astonishment whilst listening to my mother on the telephone in a completely different voice and persona -- they shortly afterward, again, yet another completely different voice and persona while she chatted with a doctor, with me present.

Driving back to her house, all the time I thought "what the heck is that all about -- how does she do that?"  "Why?"   Always so much confusion and so many questions cropping up regarding my mother's behavior and indeed, her various "persona's" and guises.

Thinking of you, Beth, and hoping that any "odd" behavior from your mother simply washes over you and flows down the drain!

Love, Leah

[gratitude28]

Wow, Leah,
Every time someone validates my observations, I feel so much better (ya know, you start to think you are creating it )
Thank you and thank you for reading my posts! It helps to know you are all here!!!
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

Izz,
I am on her like a maggot on rotten fruit. I watch very carefully, although they don't know it. I can turn a hurtful remark into one of our normal (and funny) family jokes - nice jokes!!!
Thanks for the reminder, though!!!! Trust me, she doesn't want to be alone with them any more than I want her to be.
Love, Beth