WHY did I listen to an N all my life??

[ann3]

Ami,

I imagine this process of self discovery is all the harder for you because of your loss and your grief.  I feel for you, I really do.  It's so hard.  I hope you can enjoy the springtime, enjoy the flowers and the feeling of sun on your skin.

lovingly,
ann

[ann3]

Izzy,

Thank you for sharing your story.  You are a dynamic person. Congratulations on your break through.

You wrote:
until just recently when I realized, without knowing how it happened, I had finally let go

This without knowing how it happened:  Guess this is what I want to know:  How does it happen?  How can I let go of the past?  I don't want to merely say that I let go of the past, I want to feel it in my bones, I want to truly know that I've let go of the past.

Any ideas?

Thanks again

[ann3]

Izzy, thank you again.

I'm interpreting your remarks as saying that after we examine the facts of our past, we eventually realize that we cannot reconcile the past facts to end in a resolution which we find personally satisfying.  We can't fit the jigsaw pieces into a puzzle that that satisfies us, so instead of fighting windmills, we just resolve to accept the past, with it's ugliness, disappointments and complexity.

The way we reach this acceptance is to examine the past and examine ourselves, but once we've done that, we've got to leave it behind, accept the past, let it go and move on.

My problem with this is that although I understand that I must accept the past facts, let them go and move on, the unresolved disappointments still leave me with a puddle of saddness in my gut, like even though I may resolve to let the past go, I still feel that people in the past never understood me (nor I them) and this makes me feel very alone and sad. I feel like a small island.

Sorry for all the mixed metaphors.

[ann3]

Izzy, thank you so much.

 There are unresolved issues for me too but because there is no way, at this late date that there will ever be a resolution, I chose to drop it, let it all go. Because I chose to, and decided each issue belonged to another party, not me, except for my reaction to it, I dropped it.

You answered my question in a very essential way:  If there can never be a resolution with the other person, just drop it and let it go.  Resistance (to dropping it & letting it go) is futile.  There can never be a resolution, so, drop it & let go.  

Izzy, your idea is brillant:  The issues which I haven't resolved for myself belong to the other person.  I love that.  

Maybe that person has long ago dropped the event from mind and won't know what you are talking about.  This is true, but it really stings when someone did something which really hurt you, but they don't remember it.  Guess I'm guilty of that myself, so I want to forgive when this happens.

I'm happy for you that you now live in the present.  You sound like you feel free.

Thank you again, Izzy.

Ann

[James]

Ami.....I think we cannot face the horror of being unloved and seeing our parents as they are. We then transform ourself into something we're not to keep the illusion of love alive, at the expense of our soul. That really hurts.  Hugs James

[Ami]

THAT is profound, James, VERY profound.
 I guess we think we will die without our parent's love,as  kids, Right?
 I guess that is why we twist and turn so grotesquely in to our own form of monsters.
 I am thankful we can still have empathy, James. We have N spots, I am sure ,but I know you are not an N. You survived enough to feel, have empathy and give love. That is really s/thing to celebrate,even though it was horrible that you had to be pushed to the very brink of sanity, as I was.
 You have good ,core material to work with, I think. It is a matter of throwing off the lies , facing the pain(considerable) and seeing that YOU are separate from their garbage.
 In your own mind, you need to give back to them what they gave you.               Love   Ami

[James]

Ami....at the bottom of this i believe we don't want to face being unloved, there is nothing worse as a child, our very survival from conception thru childhood hangs on the love our parents give us. IMO love ensures our survival and anything that isn't of this hurts and terrifies us. Our very life, we feel, is at stake and this magnifies our feelings back then and we can easily carry this into now without being aware of it. Alice Miller writes extensively abt this...............James

[Ami]

How do you FEEL it, though ,James, not just "know" it?                Ami

[James]

Just as you are doing it. Giving it up piece by piece by being true to our feelings today......James

[Ami]

Thanks , James. I will just keep going forward. You have helped me so much, James!                        Love    Ami