More doubt from parents - this is an updateHi Everyone,
Well, just like clockwork it has been two weeks and Nmom's back
trying to disrupt our lives. Just when we get on an even keel she back at it trying to get her way.
I am sharing the letter we received today It was sent most likely in response to the stand we made toward my dad. It was addressed to me even though the letter we sent was from the whole family.
If any of you have N parents and are wise to their manipulative ways I would like your perspective on this letter, especially those who have read my posts and have read of my parents' past behavior. This letter is full of lies and a couple veiled threats. My mom is an incredibly deceptive, manipulative person who has
never admited to wrong doing to me
ever.This is an exact copy of the letter except for names deleted in brackets and notes from me which will be footnoted.
[My name], ..........................................August 10, 2004
I hope you read this as I want you to know the things I wanted to get together to explain, (1.) We redid our wills last year after we brought the $10,000 to you. (2.)The lawyer helped us decide what to do.
After expenses everything was left first to each other if one survivies, then equally to You and [brother] in the will to go to probate upon our deaths. Enclosed with our wills is a letter the executor to give [brother] $50,000 to balance what we gave you more than him. (3.)This is how the lawyer said to do it to avoid any possibility of the probate court trying to put a tax on the amount we gave you even though none was owed.(4.)
I understand that you do not want anything more to do with me and I do not know what the future will bring but I hope and pray that things change for the better. (5.)
I only wish for you and your family the very best. (6.)
Your father feels terrible about not knowing about your sleeping schedule, He was trying to keep in touch and we wanted to know you were okay. (6.)
We really wanted to be able to have you look at pictures and old "stuff" to see if you or [daughter] or [son] wanted to keep any of it.
The other thing that I think caused your thinking I did something horrible was when I was trying a year ago last Christmas to have a get together and tried too hard to keep from anyone having hurt feelings, I said something that you took in a way I didn't mean and the more I tried to straighten it out the worse it got. (7.) I have learned my lesson, I don't try to to do anything anymore..and I apoligize for my ineptness in the past. (8.)
If you ever feel like you would like to get together, please know that we are always here and ready to "hash it out" if you need to or to let the past be and make the most of the time we have left (9)
Your Mother
1. This get together was my mom's idea to "work things out" (read: getting around our boundaries) because we are making a stand, not making contact etc. and holding her responsible. Explaining about wills was never mentioned by my dad. The will is the old bait with a new threat twist. Get me thinking of their death, guilting me.
2.This was my dad's idea because he still felt he owed us more money to make up for their bait and switch of the land and other promises. My mom tried to get me upset at a visit previously by telling me privately that they were going to give my brother 5 acres and me $10,000. She asked if that was okay with me. I calmly told her to do whatever they wanted. I'm sure they would be fair
and that made her silently angry. She has said things to me for years out of my dad's hearing to make me angry and then she convinces him that I'm a greedy pig and undeserving and he ends up not following through on what he had offered. He has always sent her as the messenger to tell me important things in the relationship and she does her dirty work out of his hearing.
3. She told me in 2002 that they evened up things with my brother. If anything it would only be $10,000 more that I received - from the facts I was told. There is no way to ever get at the facts with my parents. Trying to straighten things out always further confuses things.
4. This is all twisted crazy and she twists things to put me in doubt and to scare me. No way legal non-taxable gifts will be known about by some local probate court - this money "they" gave me was my dad's idea to make up for the bait and switch of the land they did back in 1980 (and other lies), which in no way covers what the land would be worth now. The letter she put in the will is probably one just like the one Joan Crawford left for her oldest kids to ponder.
5. I have never said I don't want anything more to do with her. I told my dad last time that she had to admit she was wrong before I talk to her. And the change she speaks of has nothing to do with her changing of course!
6. False guilt, working on sympathy for dad and lies.They have consistently come to our house before we are awake and before breakfast for the last two years despite us repeatedly telling them our schedule. My mom is the person that years ago when I told her that I might have dysentery from the well water at our duplex because of symptoms, ran out of the room into another room and screamed, "B****!!" Yes, she really cares, yeah sure. I could go on and on with example after example of her caring abuse of me, my husband and children.
7. No mention of the letter I sent telling her what I think is wrong.The Christmas she was refering to is when she was setting extended family members up to stir them and me up and I had to repeatedly put up boundaries to her manipulation and morphing of things. I finally stood up to her.After her silent treatment and
refusal to talk to me about it, I suddenly was hit with a feeling of doubt I was wrong and she was right and I broke down and cried and apologized for my feelings being hurt. I went back to the way I was growing up. She accepted my apology with a regal air and graciously let me back into her "good graces." After the call I realized I was sick to have caved in and that day I vowed she would never make me cry and apologize for her insensitivity, manipulation and her hurting me ever again. This was the moment I started pulling away and reducing contact. She's got the timing right and that is all she has right.
8. What on earth! What is she now not trying to do anymore? Oh, I guess maybe she isn't going to try to be a 'peace maker' anymore??? What a bunch of garbage. She is a troublemaker. Her "ineptness" is calculated, cruel and pinpointed with deadly accuracy. Also in communications before she misspells key words. She can't even fake apologize without technically not apologizing by misspelling the word.
9. I laughed very hard and long at this last paragraph. This is a quote from the letter I wrote her in April that will explain how she "hashes" it out:
"There has never been real concern on your part about how your words, actions and attitudes affect others. You never think you are wrong. Anyone trying to work things out is met with disgust, anger, doubt and emotional intimidation on your part. It is impossible to work things out with you because you don't want them to work out anyway but your way, which is you can say whatever it takes, manipulate, divert, cast doubt etc to avoid admitting any responsibility for emotional damage, breach of trust, etc in your relations with others. If you are still reading this letter, your actions since the spring of 2002 show you are not sorry for the things you were confronted with back in 2002. You were given a chance to have everything on the table and play it straight but you continued your pattern of manipulation, lack of respect, double dealing and lack of empathy toward others. We are done with pretending we have a healthy relationship with you. Your words are doubt-ridden and you take sport in setting others to put them down. You have betrayed our trust and good will many times over. You can't just pretend that you've changed. To make your relationship with us healthy you have to ask us for forgiveness for and turn from: ( ...I then listed things that she had to stop.) Then after the list I wrote: Despite all your bad treatment of us, we love you and hope you choose to get into healthy relationship with us.
I had tried to sweetly work things out for many many years while being bullied and abused and cheated. She is impossible. It is time to say "no more!" I also earlier this spring told my dad that I didn't want anymore money from them because it wasn't healthy and he agreed.
My husband and I are considering the idea of asking my parents to please cut us out of their wills. The doubt they generate in a person's life is very strong. Their fantasies are dangerous. She is not a safe person. She is very destructive. I am honoring them by refusing to put up with and enable their sick behavior, denial of reality, denial that I am a real person that deserves being treated with respect and by insisting she indeed has to change. (which will never happen except by the biggest kind of miracle)
Boy it feels good to vent here...thanks for listening and other's perspectives would be interesting to read.
