Dear CP,
As I wrote in another thread, I found an image of a fire your mother. I would be honored to stand vigil with you until that one special evening when the fire will burn no more. Please let me know a date and time that would be appropriate for you.
You said:
I loved her even though she was broken.
This touched me; I too loved my father even though he was broken.
While my father abused me horribly, he was a tortured soul. Always searching, looking externally for something that was missing in him, and hurting everyone around him because he could not find it. Deep down though, he was a lost soul. He was once a small child who was in desperate need of love. This was very apparent within the last few weeks of his life. I am not condoning or accepting his behavior; I guess I am reaching the understanding that he was incapable of honest self-examination and because he was incapable of this, he was lost. I finally understand, at the gut-level, that it was never me – it was him. And this is freeing, so very freeing for me, and yet so utterly heartbreaking for him.
For me, the ending of the fire will be symbolic of the end of the passing of pain and negativity from generation to generation. The abuse stops here, with me. I will give my children what he wasn’t able to give me – a better start, a life free of the negativity of generations past.
The fire will also represent the end of my burning rage and pain – I will let it go, as it too is a loop in the cycle of pain.
It will also be my prayer that in death, he has found the peace he never found in life and my prayer for me, that I am finding peace.
Maybe we can all find peace…….
Namaste,
Peace
(Please let me know if you want this thread titled a specific way)
