reached my breaking point w/my NM

[towrite]

It's not bad enough that

- my NM refuses to help me in this current crisis;
- my brother is not speaking to me over something as trivial as "she always tells me what to do;

NOW I learn about vicious things my NM has been saying about me around town, to her friends, which have been brought to my attention by people who know me and are astounded at her cruelty. I won't repeat the things she's said - they are not the point. She has made them up! Invented them! And she knows NADA about my life - no specifics - on which to base her vile comments.

Is this some way she's making herself look good?? Is she saying these things about me to build a wall of respectability around herself in case anyone accuses her of not helping me???

I have had it! To hell with her will!  I will not be party to this insanity any longer. I know this has been building in me for sometime, but now with this new information added to my brother turning his back on me -- I am so pissed I am shaking.

How could she??!!  Her own flesh and blood. I will tell one example: about 2 years ago, I had a scare with possible breast cancer. I called my aunt, whom I'm very close to, and told her. She decided, on her own, to let my NM know. Guess what my NM's response was -- go on, guess. You'll never get it.

Her response: "Oh, she must have been drunk when she told you that."

Deep breath ---

I confronted her about it and her excuse was that my aunt was going on and on about it and it was the only way she knew to get my aunt (her sister) off the phone.

another deep breath

God, this just cuts it for me.

Am I nuts??  How did I get to be the whipping boy in such a crazed family? Or am I the one who's crazed??

Please - some sane thoughts ....

[towrite]

Thanks, Izzy, but, no, it's not an option. Not without a job. I didn't expect my NM to come thru with $ .... just my old, useless hope. I am angry she's not that kind of mom. She never says bad things about my brother.

[towrite]

... and my brother isn't even the "golden child" ... he's just male.

[debkor]

Towrite,

Have you caused your NM any narcissist injury?  Maybe you don't know about? Only reason why I say this is because when I finally snubbed my nose to my ex (although I wanted to punch him in the face) I refused to show it.  I ignored him.  He could say do anything he wanted (and I still felt like punching him in the face)  and I would act unaffected.

Another words I think it was really pissing him off that I would not show I was hurt (by him) this made him nuts and he went proxy on me to my friends.  He tried to piss me off through them. He tried to make me look nuts and hysterical and told total lies. I think he thought they would also believe him and in another way did not care.  He set out to do what he wanted and that was save face for himself (the mask they wear) and bring me to my knees (with glee). I was not in a good position financially either and had kids. Just where they want  you vulnerable.   He was sure that I would be pissed when he went through other people and then maybe I would have a confrontation with him or feel totally like s**t and be shamed.  Another words the competition was getting harder with the I win you lose game so he was calling my bluff.

I kept control, as hard as it was, and it was realllllllllly hard.  It backfired on him.  My friends did not confront him either they cut him off also. 

Here's the kick in the A** and how they really think.  He though he cut them off (lol). 

Do you think your mom is not getting the reactions she really wanted from you and see you are pulling away and back and it is really pissing her off?

Oh and towrite when I use to confront him about things said he responded the same way your mom responds.  Like they misunderstood (the other people).

When I cut it off totally I had no money, none, Nada lost everything and I survived with less money, smaller house, less possession and I was HAPPIER then could be.  It was so nice.  It was so simple and I loved it.  Best days of my life.

Hang in there towrite.

Love
Deb

[Iphi]

Dear towrite - it is NOT YOU.  It is her N nature.  This is the famous Smear Campaign and imo, the Smear Campaign appears when the N feels like they might just have to do something for another person, or else, god forbid their image will be spoiled.  So they obviously have to trash you.

My dad has been smearing me small-time for years.  I have reason to believe he has stepped up and is smearing me big-time now to his relatives.

I hate to say this because I know you are in crisis, but I believe that your true hope for freedom involves renouncing firmly and forever any expectation from her will.  Having an expectation will send you back into her clutches and debase you.  Having an expectation will drag you through the hedge backward.  Having an expectation is a betrayal of yourself into danger.  You have more to fear from the known dangers, your mom, than you have to fear from the unknown and uncertainty of your current situation. 

I am speaking kind of baldly, and I apologize if it is too astringent.  I support you no matter where you are with it all and you can tell me to go to hell and that's alright. 

Key point: She is an insane N who is kicking you when you are down.  My dad did this to my mom, when my mom became schizophrenic - they are like rats from the sinking ship.

[towrite]

Oh, Iphi and Debkor - there is so much wisdom in your words and I am grateful.

Deb, I think my very existence is a narcissistic injury to my NM. I am sure I do things unknowingly all the time to add to it. She rarely gets angry with me - just hangs up on me if I'm not in a "sunny" mood or cuts off contact, which she has now done. She's perfectly pleased if I eat dinner with her and watch a movie at her house. Or do things for her. But let it get any deeper than that and she's gone in a flash. Yeah, the people I know who repeated what she's said about me don't confront her or challenge her; she is too much of a paragon of society for them to do that. And it is exactly as you described - she creates a bad image of me in others' minds (or believes she is doing that) so that, if she offers me no help, she can justify her actions and not look bad. It's all about keeping up appearances for her.

Iphi, this is the first time I've heard about the Smear Campaigns of Ns and it sure makes sense. No, you are not speaking too boldly and I didn't find your words "astringent" at all. It's the truth. Thanks for telling me about the campaign. It gives a structure to what my gut was perceiving.

I wrote her a letter, but won't mail it. It made it real for me. I want nothing more to do with her or my brother. I am going to be OK eventually, and I never want to have to explain, justify, or defend my life again, certainly not to them. They have both turned their backs on me, so they do not deserve me. I have been good, kind, helpful, and loving to both of them, and this is what I get in return. No thanks.

When my brother got divorced the first time, he was broke and had no place to live. So I took him in for 2 years. As GS said (I think it was GS), his response in cutting off all communication with me is so immature as to be not worth discussing.

As to my mother's will ... I am removing myself - silently, irrevocably - from this "family". I believed when my NF died 2 years ago, there would be more stability in the FOO, but instead the insanity has been ratcheted up. If she leaves me in her will or if she removes me, so be it.

towrite

[Ami]

Dear Kate,
When I read your posts, I can see so clearly that it is NOT you, who is the problem,but it is so hard to see that with my own mother. I blame myself ,as you do.
 I can see so clearly that it is NOT you. I wish I could "drum " it in to you and myself, too.
 We are fine. We just THINK  we are not.
Ann told me that my M convinced ME that *I* was abnormal. Ann says I am fine,"normal". ANY friend I have ever had told me that I was 'normal" and trusted me.
*I* was convinced, by my M, that *I* was abnormal and she was normal.
You, Kate, are fine. You have good thinking and emotions. Your environment is crazy.
We, raised by N's, can be LV(little voices). We have too much shame and don't feel we "deserve" to be normal, happy, angry, anything. That is our problem, as I see it.
We need to reclaim our right to be a "person". I am sorry that your crazy family does not appreciate you, Kate . It does not MEAN you are wrong or "bad"       Love,      Ami

[towrite]

Thanks, Ami - that "abnormal" tape is part of our very early programming by the Ns, so it's that much harder to overcome. As one of my therapists used to say, "It was so early that it became your default position and may always be." She said I had to build up my experiences and people in my life who believe I'm "normal" in order to withstand the buffets when the default threatened to rise up.

Kate

[Ami]

Dear Kate,
 I did not realize that all N's did that. I thought it was just my M.                            Ami