i made a big mistake

[gjazz]

James:

To me, there is something worse than hate, and that is hatred masquerading as love.  A child has no defense against that.  I think it's fine to say of a parent, "I don't love you."  In my case, I also say, "I will be there as best I can," meaning, my needs will now come first, but I'll try to be more caring than you are.  BUT.  I have rage days too, even after all this time.  The good news is, I have fewer and fewer, the more I can take responsibility for everything in my life, and that just means limiting--severely--the access my NF has to my world.

[James]

Gjazz..........that makes a lot of sense what you say "hatred masquerading as love". I see a lot of that in my family the"for your own good type stuff" as a kid and then it transformed into adult versions as i grew older. I have put a lot of distance between me and my parents the last yr and it helps me but it sure makes them mad though. Both my parents are N and work as a team. I have been wondering recently what will happen if one of them passes. My fantasy is that the one remaining will still remain a N but maybe they will become a bit nicer. I have seen that happen before. I've been doing research tonite on the net finding different ways to handle anger as its brought up in the course of therapy. There doesnt appear to be any solid clear cut consenses on this.........James

[gjazz]

James:

Yes.  Turning people against themselves--making them party to their own destruction--is the ultimate high for an N.  It was for mine, and you have two.  Yikes!  That's really terrible.  In my case, my father is a rampant misogynist, and I was the only girl (except my mother, also known as a girl).  He loves setting women against each other, and against themselves.  Sounds like your parents were trying to set you up to do some of their destruction for them.  You gotta admit, those Ns are thrifty. But take care.  Be a good friend to yourself, the one you'd most want someone else to be.

[Hopalong]

You gotta admit, those Ns are thrifty.

Thanks for the smile, GJazz.

You gotta admit, those adult children-of-Ns are SMART.

(Once we figure it out--and get past the tsunami--there's no stopping us. We WILL heal.)

xo to all and ((((((James))))))

Hops

[Iphi]

We'll heal and I think that we become what is known as 'tough customers.'

 

[Ami]

Dear Gjazz,
  My counselor, Ann, showed me how my M wanted to "steal" my aspirations , so she could pull me down to her level(child's level and bratty one at that-lol)
 She humiliated me when I aspired to anything higher in life such as character, being generous, loving,kind, etc. She wanted me to be    like she was.
 I gave up ,in life, b/c I DIDN"T want to be like she, and felt guilty about being the way *I* wanted.
 N's raise children in the opposite way of a normal parent, who WANT  the child to be the best he can be, NOT the worse, so the N feels better--BLEH                  Ami

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((James)))))))))))))))

I am right with you - just got through the visit with NM but not able to talk about it yet.

Don't they just try to make us completely insane????? Doesn't it suck to have crazy parents?????

Lots of love,
Beth

[James]

Dear Beth.................Yep it does suck, and they do try to make us crazy. Talk when you feel up to it and maybe sharing here will help. I feel for you..............Love, James

[gjazz]

Beth:

Yeah, and we had that classic reversal thing too, the child becoming the parent.  My M married my NF because, in my opinion, she never wants to take responsibility for ANYTHING, she LIKED that he was so controlling.  I mean, she didn't see all the writing on the wall, instead she thought, Oh good, I'll putter in the garden and raise the kids, and he'll take care of money, everything else.  And of course he took care of nothing except himself, and took all the money too, forcing her to step up a bit, as she had four small kids, but she still always, always, turned to me.  "How should I cut my hair?  What should I wear?  Is this color OK?"  She wanted to retreat into a child's role and believe me, she's still at it.  There's another sort of interesting aspect of this avoidance, and it's that she never even takes responsibility for what she says or does. It's always, ALWAYS, "I did A, B or C because it will make A, B or C happy."  If you ask her what she wants she goes totally blank.  In the immortal words of Gertrude Stein, "there's no there, there."  Nobody home.  She has this martyr complex a mile wide.