She's at it again

[tayana]

It seems like everytime I get something good going in my life . . . Nmom has to trample all over it again.  We are back to NC.


Apparently when my son spent a couple of days with my mom, he let it slip that not only were we buying a house, but that my girlfriend was staying with us while her car was fixed. Now, he loves my girlfriend, and she's great with him. He likes it when she stays with us. They play and goof around with each other.

When my mom found out about my girlfriend staying with us, she told my son that "she knew what was going on." He didn't tell me anything else, but I'm sure she had other words too. She hasn't been speaking with me since I got my son on the Friday after spring break. No phone calls. Nothing. I did find out last night that she had called my sister-in-law to talk about me and my house.

My girlfriend and I had a little bit of a fight last night over the situation. It's a catch-22 no matter what I do. My parents are very unaccepting, and I've always been the "black sheep" of the family. I decided last night that I wanted to tell my brother the truth about my girlfriend before my mom said something and blew things out of proportion. I'm scared, because my brother and sister-in-law are the only members of my family that I actually trust. I don't know how he'll take the news that the friend I've told him about is more than a friend.

I don't know what to do with my parents at all. No matter what I do, people are going to get hurt, and I don't like that. I feel like I'm being forced to choose my life with no family, or else give up my life in order to keep my family. I don't like that.

I just want to be happy, and it doesn't seem like I can do that as long as nmom's craziness is around.  I find myself wondering what she's going to try.  Is she going to hire someone to follow me?  Or is she going to find some reason to take me to court?  Or try to get custody of my son?  I don't know.  I don't know that she's even drawn the right conclusions.  She hasn't said a word since spring break, and I doubt she will unless I make the first step to reconsiling, but I don't know that I want to.  Life is much less stressful when I don't have to sit around and wiat for her to call.

[gratitude28]

Tayana,
I think you should stay NC no matter what. By allowing your NM the contact with M, you gave her the opportunity to get her hooks into him and to find out information. I would avoid leaving them alone at all costs. Why did you decide to let him stay with her?
Lots of love,
Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Tayana, I am so sorry that you are caught in the typical N double-bind.  Either James or Darren made the point recently that the thing the Ns hate the most is detachment because when we detach they have no currency to manipulate us with.  I think that is true.  

I have no words of advice but I wanted to express my sympathy and concern.  Love to you and your son - GS

[tayana]

Beth, he was on Spring Break, and I didn't have enough vacation to take the whole week off.  I'm currently trying to find things to fill up his summer so he doesn't have to spend time with her.  I don't think he'll be staying with her anymore.  I had told him if he slipped, I didn't care.  So he slipped, in a big way, but that's all right.

GS, I haven't been reading the boards, but I do think I'm going let NC go for as long as it will last this time.  I know mother's day is coming up, and I was thinking that I'd really  like to spend the day at him with my son and just have some fun.  I think I'll do that. 

It's really hard because I really wanted things to work out.  I guess now I don't have to agonize over my girlfriend moving in with us when we have the house, eh?  I feel very abandoned, truthfully, like they don't care unless I be the person they want.  But I don't want to go back to that nonsense.  I'm really tired of it.

H, my girlfriend, and I talked about it a lot last night.  She told my that nmom is still controlling my life because I'm constantly worrying about what she will think.  It's true.  I guess I just have to take a deep breath and decide what I want is most important.  That's really hard though.  Really hard.

[gratitude28]

Tay,
My belief is that he should NEVER be with her. Ever. Period. I would find a daycare or a teenager who is responsible. Nothing good can come of him staying with her. I also think H is very right that you are letting NM control you still. You have come so far - work it girl
Love, Beth

[tayana]

I'm working on finding summer camps for M, so he won't be spending time with grandma this summer.  He's too old for daycare, and he doesn't do well home with someone strange.  I've tried that, and he had major, major anxiety issues.  Summer camp is going to cost a bloody fortune, but it's better than sending him to my mom's. 

[towrite]

Tay, I'm pretty beaten up myself right now, but I wanted you to know that I understand what a struggle it is not to care what the NM B***** thinks of you.

(((((Tay))))))

towrite

[tayana]

Well, I just told my brother about H a little while ago.  Apparently, he already knew, and he told me he didn't care.  It was fine with him.

I can't say the same about my mom.  She did tell my SIL about H, like I suspected.

[Gaining Strength]

he already knew, and he told me he didn't care. 
That is wonderful news.  He is family and he will not shut the door on you. 
Do not minimize that.

I can't say the same about my mom.  She did tell my SIL about H, like I suspected.
I can't quite read between the lines here.  Did your mom tell your SIL that H was your girlfriend?
How has your M and SIL reacted?

[tayana]

Lollie, our Y has some interesting things, and so does the community college.  I'm thinking about getting a Y membership because the cost of their programs is so much cheaper.

GS, there was something said when my mom talked to my SIL.  I don't know what that was.  My mom reacted fairly negatively, but SIL was all right with it.  She apparently has a friend who is also a lesbian, and they go out to my brother's.  My brother said it didn't matter to him or to my SIL.  He told me not to worry about it.  I feel 10,000 times better today.

[lighter]

So sorry you're still dealing with turmoil again, Tay.

It really won't ever make any sense that your mother keeps sabotaging you and her relationship with you. 

It's about control and what she wants doesn't make any sense, in that 'normal' people wouldn't make a career out of hurting and undermining their children and grandchildren for no rational reason.

Your brother knows your mother isn't all there. 

He loves you, despite his stance on the girlfriend.

You can't control your mother, your brother or how they feel so concentrate on getting your head straight and moving forward in a positive direction.

Agonizing over how people will react isn't helpful and trying to control it is even less helpful.

I understand ((tay))  Acceptance can help you get past the chaos and learn to find serenity with very painful situations.

You need your family but..... you need yourself much more.

You shouldn't have to sacrafice yourself and you deserve to be happy.

Your mother won't be able to take your son from you.  I wouldn't worry in that direction, you're a good mama.

Your mother will never change.  Your brother will let you know where he stands and you'll deal with, either way, bc you're an amazingly strong young woman.

[lighter]

Oh... should have read ahead.

Glad your brother made you feel better, tay.

[flowerpower]

Tayana, I am glad your brother and SIL accept and love you.

I hope your son doesn't ever have to stay with your mother again. It sounds difficult to find the right situation for your son since he is anxious about certain settings, but I hope the right setting works out and you can relax about his care. The Y sounds like a good possibility.