Writing my mother

[Michelle]

I wrote recently about my latest contact with my mother where she answered my brother's cell phone (thread titled "Coming face to face with my nmother").  Ever since that day (about 3 weeks ago) I have felt pushed to the edge emotionally.  I'm not sure what is going on with me but I have just felt very unsettled and unsure about what to do with this whole "relationship" (or lack of) with my mother.  She has continued to write me her usual crappy emails and leave her usual crappy phone messages.  I have wanted to reply on several occasions but just couldn't think of the words I wanted to say.  A few months ago I just wanted to yell at her and tell her how much I hated her.  Now I just want to cry because I feel so sad about not having a mother and how messed up we both are because of this whole situation.  The saddest part to me is that I just don't miss her.  I long for a mother figure, but I honestly don't miss "her".  That just proves to me that she has contributed nothing to our relationship but hurt, stress and misteachings.

She wrote me again a couple of days ago.  The usual guilt, blame, blah blah blah.  For some reason though, this time it didn't bother me like it usually does.  I felt very sound in my mind and was quite clear on exactly what I wanted to get across to her.  I have been struggling with the "closure" issue - I just cut off contact with her almost 4 months ago and never really gave an explanation or anything.  I have felt really badly about that - not because of her feelings - but because for me the whole issue is just "hanging" there - unfinished.  So I decided to write her.  The only communication I have had with her in these 4 months was when she answered my brother's phone.  

Her letter to me said:

Michelle, Thanks for the latest pictures of the babies:) They sure are growing fast! B has your big ole eyes and it looks like K is really getting taller by the day. I called her on her birthday and I just cant believe that you wont let them talk to me. Michelle whatever you have against me  shouldnt be keeping me from talking to them.I never thought you would do something like this. I only hope you sleep good at night because  I never thought it was in your nature to try to hurt me like this. I miss you and the babies and wish you would try to understand that no matter what has happened in our life ,it shouldnt be making you this bitter! I have never done anything intentionally or otherwise to hurt you and I hope you know that. So maybe you should be thinking of this and take the time to call me. Love Mama

Here is my reply:

Dear moma,
 
I received your latest email.  I did not appreciate how it was full of blaming statements that were intended to make me feel ashamed and guilty of myself.  Some of the blaming statements that you said were:
 
~   I called her on her birthday and I just cant believe that you wont let them talk to me. (If I am not speaking with you, then my children will not speak with you either.  We are a united family.)
 
~ Michelle whatever you have against me shouldnt be keeping me from talking to them.  (This belittles the pain that I feel by saying that I should "overlook" it and let you have your way.)
 
~  I never thought you would do something like this. I only hope you sleep good at night because  I never thought it was in your nature to try to hurt me like this. (These are all blaming statements.  There is no resolution or communication in them - they are meant only to induce guilt.)
 
~  I wish you would try to  understand that no matter what has happened in our life ,it shouldnt be making you this bitter! (Again, this statement downplays my pain.)
 
~  I have never done anything intentionally or otherwise to hurt you and I hope you know that. (Just because you won't admit or choose to see that you have caused pain to others does not mean that it doesn't exist.)
 
~  Maybe you should be thinking of this and take the time to call me. (Another blame statement.)
 
When you say these things to me, I feel like my feelings are not as important as yours.  I feel that these statements are intended to shame me into talking to you.  Actually, they have just the opposite effect.  They make me feel angry, disappointed, sad, and disrespected.
 
I want you to stop sending me letters filled with disrespect, blame, and guilt.  If you continue to send these letters, I will block your email from my mailbox so you are unable to write me anymore.  This also applies to phone or mail messages.  
 
You are a very deeply hurt person - primarily from your own childhood.  You don't realize it, but your hurt has been passed on to your children through your actions and words.  I hope that one day you can admit to your own hurts and pains and seek help from someone to help you deal with them in a healthy way.  Maybe then you can repair and restore the relationships with others that have been damaged.
 
Michelle

I know this letter will probably do nothing but fuel her fire even further.  But I am at the point where I am ready to back up my threats.  If she can't at least treat me as nice as she does a stranger on the street I'm done.  I'm not sure if I did the "right" thing.  But for me, right now, this felt right.  I have felt good about it since I sent it and am not expecting anything in return.  I did it to receive some closure for myself.  

Thanks for listening.
Michelle

[Anonymous]

Michelle,

I think that's a super-brave letter. It's a true statement of the facts. Of course, she won't agree with what you wrote because she lacks any capacity to take responsibility. Remember the famous line of Jack Nicholson's in A Few Good Men? "You can't handle the truth!" Well, that's your mother. But it's okay to tell it to her anyway.

bunny

[flower]

Yea Michelle!!!

Here's to closure! It feels good.

I thought about closure today.  I figure a normal relationship (which we don't have with our moms) would have a back and forth working out of closure until both sides were satisfied. I've tried to bring closure for years that involved both sides. I always met a brickwall - my mom. So, since the closure is only going to be one sided, I figure it can be what seems right to me.

flower

[Dawning]

Michelle, your sincerity, commitment to your own personal growth and recovery, the responsibility you are taking for your own healing...etc and etc is so genuine and sincere.  But I doubt your NMother will ever *get it* and I think you have done heaps in coming to terms with that.  I don't know the whole gamut of Nism - and there are alot of different kinds of Nism (including the healthy kind) but you are right about all the things you italicized and people with NPD absolutely CAN NOT *hear* this stuff.  

If writing to her helped YOU, empowered YOU then that is all that matters.  

Now I just want to cry because I feel so sad about not having a mother and how messed up we both are because of this whole situation.

 
This whole situation is one which she is not taking any responsibility for.  You are getting un-messed up and she doesn't like it.  She wants you to stay messed up if she is anything like my NMother.  The healthier you get, the more threatened she will become.  It is normal to cry over these Nmothers and what they can't do.  Have you ever listened to a tape by Clarissa Pinkola Estes called "Warming The Stone Child?"  I ordered my off Amazon.  Its very healing.

It is highly likely that your mother is going to take that letter and twist it into something that has to do with her and not getting her supply met through you.  But you know so you can be prepared to choose how you want to deal with it.  You don't have to explain or justify a thing and don't let her try and make you do that.  Your honesty and integrity in writing that letter stands on its own.

p.s.  I would just like to add that my cousin has been trying to get me to write a letter like this to my NMother for the past 4 months.  My cousin said that her aunt (my mother) probably doesn't think I have it *in me* to stand up to her.  Your letter is so well-written and the closing part was just what my cousin told me I should write to my mom.  I haven't done so but it would be along the same lines as yours.  Fortunately or not (not sure which) Nmom seems to have severed contact with me as she sensed that I was getting close to exposing her during our last telephone conversation.  For me, I have no preference as to how the enmeshment virus is killed as long as I don't have to deal with her crazy-making anymore.

[findingme]

Michelle -

I'm new to the board...  Just want to tell you that your situation is very similar to others.  You're making some very bold & healthy steps toward taking care of YOU (and your kids).  Someone once told me that looking out for yourself is selfish ONLY if you're doing it at the expense of everyone around you.  That is how N's survive.  You would protect yourself (& your kids) from a predator, right? Unfortunately, whether they know it or not, our N parents, spouses & friends are predators, & we have to be careful.  Way to go, girl!!  

findingme

[MadameButterfly]

Michelle,
Good for you for speaking your truth!  I know how it is to really want a mom in your life, a real one!  But the truth is it's something that you can give to yourself.  First, you can be a mom to yourself by taking care of YOU.  By making sure that you nurture your self and love yourself.  Too, you can surround yourself with other moms.  If you haven't read "The Secret Life of Bees" I highly recommend it.  It will change your life, it did
mine.  Hang in there and stay strong and do what YOU feel is right for you and for your family.  You have my support!

[Michelle]

Thanks everyone for your replies.  I appreciate your support and encouragement and am thinking of you all in your situations also.  

Welcome to the board "findingme".     Glad your here!

Michelle

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting  your reply to your mother.  It helped me see how easily I miss my N's stomping on my boundaries (which apparently still arern't very strong.  I missed a lot of the trouncing in here until I read your reply.  

Way to go!

Max

[Michelle]

Thanks Max.  Hope to see you around more on the board.

 

Michelle

[Michelle]

Finally got a response.

This e- mail doesnt even deserve a response.... if you want to talk to me about anything you know my telephone number. Mama

Just as well.  I know the facts, but it's still disappointing and sad.  

My response.

Your lack of response shows me that you can't and/or won't make a defense for your present and past actions, which proves that you do not care about my feelings or pain.  It also shows me that you do not truly care enough about me to leave your comfort level and learn some simple communication skills.  After several months of you begging me to speak with you I finally took the time to write you and tried to explain why your behavior towards me is unacceptable.  Your response is what I expected.  It exemplifies the love that you have for yourself - even over your own child.
 
"This e- mail doesnt even deserve a response..." proves to me that you are unwilling to communicate with me in a healthy way.  You are in total denial and only wish to hear the things you want to hear.  I refuse to play those mind games anymore.  
 
I will not have any type of communication with you until you take the time to teach yourself how to communicate in a healthy way - with respect, compassion, and understanding.  I am learning to accept the sad facts that this day may never come.  Until you can take a look at yourself and show true signs of healthy communication, you will not be a part of my life.  
 
Michelle

Guess I'm officially an orphan.

Michelle

[flower]

Michelle,

Guess I'm officially an orphan

I  feel for you, Michelle  

------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

------------------------------------------------------------


(((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))))))


You are being very brave!!

[Dawning]

Hi Michelle.  

Thanks for sharing those emails and replies.  Your writing is great.  Hers is sadly family-iar.

This thread, sad as it is, is an *inspiration* because it points out just what these NPD mothers are like.  And the courage of you, Michelle, in dealing with it with such honesty and integrity.  I know it is sad now but I'll bet - after a few days - you might just feel like a huge burden has been lifted.  

I hope your life takes off in exciting new directions without her.  I am on that precipice too.  I was hoping (really, hoping) my evil mommie witch had decided to take a break from *me* and my "complexities" - for good - but, unfortunately, I got an email from her today.     More than evil, actually, I am afraid of the pain involved in standing up to mine.  But I feel it is leading to this and your thread highlights ALOT.

One thing that really stands out for me is the lack of anger/emotional fragility/hysteria in your writing.  If you feel comfortable, would you mind sharing any techniques you have for getting yourself in the frame of mind to write such calm and to-the-point  letters and replies  - in a way that she cannot see your insecurities.  For one thing I know about my N regime - as soon as they sense even one, tiny little insecurity in me- that is when they go for the jugular.    So I always face writing or dealing with them with a great deal of trepidation.  

Anyway, I hope you have a GREAT August, Michelle.

[Anonymous]

Hi Michelle,

I am so proud of you.  These email communications to your mother are dead on and so well written.  I think you have found your voice and I am so happy for you.

Guess I'm officially an orphan.

Oh Michelle...here I am so sad for how you must be feeling.     I wish I could give you a big hug.  It is such a sense of loss.  I hope that you will have the time and space to grieve this loss.  I hope you can take your time, nurture yourself, heal your wounds.  And I hope that you continue to parent yourself the way you have been doing.  

Keep taking care of Michelle! (and then teach me how to do it   )!

Mega Hugs!
Learning aka Lisa (I just can't be so impersonal when sharing such important stuff!   )

[Learning]

Sorry, I keep forgetting to log in.

[Anonymous]

Hi Michelle,

Just want to join the others here in cheering you on.  Your maturity is really admirable.

After three years, I am now bumping into my pretty bizarre NSIL a bit more frequently.  I am asking myself "well, have I put the pain behind me?"  I think the answer is yes.  Then I need to ask myself "so, do you think you can reconcile or want to?"  I think the answer is both yes and no.  I want to (the old "wouldn't-it-be-nice?") but don't think I can or should.  I am not hanging onto the pain or anger, just the truth.  Her way of interacting with the world is incompatible with me and my family.  And as my H reminded me yesterday "She has serious boundary issues that aren't going to go away."  Your exchange helps me with  my struggle with establishing and holding newer boundaries.

When I read your mother's messages, her tone seems so infantile and it reminds me of a great line in the older family movie "Overboard".  "When you have a baby, you can't be the baby anymore."  Your tone is firm and so mature and respectful of your new boundaries.  It doesn't blame, just shines light on the truth.  Good for you!!  Thanks for posting.  It will give a lot of us a model to work from.  Hugs, Seeker