Kim,
I think a lot of this is true, but you have to understand the complexities and subtleties.
I have always thought that happiness is a choice; that is, we can make the choice to be happy. Not in just plastering a fake smile on our faces and adopting a phoney personality, but in deciding to be happy and then finding out what makes us really happy -- meets our needs and gives us pleasure, in an appropriate way (that is, if being mean makes you happy, that's not a good thing) -- and pursuing it. I very much think that if happiness doesn't come naturally, it can come via a conscious choice.
Similarly, I think Frankl is right, in that we have a choice as to how we look at suffering. We can choose to be a victim. or we can choose to look at what we're going through and determine how we can grow from it. That is, instead of staying stuck in suffering feeling miserable (which you're going to do by the very definition of suffering, so go ahead and own the feelings), we can fully experience the feelings and then find out what they have to teach us.
The choice lies in whether we choose to stay stuck or to grow. It's not about the feelings.
But we never actually have a choice in our feelings; they just are what they are. Our choice lies in how we respond to them and what we decide to do with them. Feelings are never right or wrong; they're just a guide.
It seems very natural to me that you would feel angry about your mother not giving you attention -- that's a good reality test! I would expect you to feel angry or resentful. You were a child, and you wanted your mother's attention. You're generally supposed to get it. That's the way it's supposed to be, ideally. Giving you a piece of cake is a measure to shut you up and shut down your needs and tell you to go away. Of course this is going to happen from time to time -- mothering is hard -- but it must have been a pattern in your family or you wouldn't have such strong feelings about it.
And of course you feel lonely and neglected when your friends are unavailable, for whatever reason. That's reality -- you're alone when you would like to be with them. It doesn't mean that you make demands on their time at such critical times in their lives -- just acknowledge your feelings, see the need, and find another way to meet it. (Other friends? Join a new group? Something?) There's nothing wrong or bad in feeling lonely, we all do; what matters is what you do with it, especially in these cases when your friends are having their own rough time. Keep your friends for the future by respecting their time and place, and supporting them. You sound like someone who wants to do that.
And you're right, your current feelings are probably being supercharged by your mom's neglect. See it for what it is, own it, feel it -- and move on. I have this very same problem -- my mom neglected me all the time, so I tend to look for attention, etc. You can learn to deal with it in healthy ways.
Your husband amazes me. I don't know you -- so is he your ex-husband? I'll leave my comments until I know the answer!
Bottom line: let yourself have your feelngs. Don't judge yourself for them, just have them, act appropriately on them (that's where our choices come to bear, in our behavior), and learn from them.
Lots of good stuff from other people on here!! Don't be so hard on yourself!
