More work on shame

[Ami]

Dear Ann,
 The recent interaction showed us that WE were not bad,just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was enlightening to me, very. It is forcing me to face what is truth and what is lies.
 Am I "bad" or just human?
 Do I need to keep prostrating myself to others so I can be OK?
 Is this my destiny for being so "bad' that I have to live my life in "submission" ?
 Will I ever be able to get rid of the LV(little voice) and get to "right sized voice(lol)?
 Is  what I accepted as true, possibly "not true"? This is a good place to be ,but it does hurt, as you said.
                                   Love to you, Ann. I am so glad you are here.          Ami
 

[ann3]

Dear Ami,

Yes, I learned so much from it and from you.  It was a painful gift, the kind of gift one hopes one will never need to receive.  But I am glad I learned that lesson and I will keep the knowledge in the forefront of my mind.

Do I need to keep prostrating myself to other so I can be OK?
 Is this my destiny for being so "bad' that I have to live my life in "submission" ?
 Will I ever be able to get rid of the LV(little voice) and get to "right sized voice(lol)?
 Is  what I accepted as true, possibly "not true"?  Yes, yes, yes, I have the same questions.

Years ago, I had a dream that dealt with prostrating myself and living in submission:  I sat at a table in a restaurant and there were other people at the table (don't remember who).  The waitress brought our deserts and then she began to ladle lots of cherry sauce on everyone's desert except mine!  I looked around and wondered why she heaped this delicious cherry sauce on everyone else's desert except mine.  Then she brought me the bill and everyone at the table expected me to pay and didn't offer any money.  I never protested the lack of cherry sauce and I paid the bill.

So, I didn't deserve any cherry sauce, but I had to pay.
The little voice gets the bill and no cherry sauce.

Much love to you too, Ami.  Thank you so much for teaching me very valuable lessons.  I'm so glad you're here too.

love,
annie

[Ami]

Wow Ann,
 The cherry sauce. What a metaphor for life. Then, you pay for the meal. We really took on the LV(little voices). I guess that I am questioning the LV stance.
 I really feel "new" after the interaction. I saw my life in a new way. I saw that I was acted upon, through no fault of my own. It is making me question my   reality.
 I feel free to question what I accepted as true. I see that IF s/thing like this could happen to me, WHAT else was a lie? What else is totally not related to who I am, as a person.
 So, I am in a "new" zone.
I am feeling like I can question the whole LV way I looked at life, always being submissive, not asking for 'cherry sauce', believing lies that my M and H threw at me.
 My reality seems different. It feel more fluid and able to be changed.
 I am very grateful for my lesson. This is the second time I have had a life changing lesson, in this way. I am grateful that other people could learn and grow, as well.
 Today, I feel more centered than I have in a long time, I feel like I did when I was much younger and "in my body" as opposed to being 'numb"
                                               Love and Hugs,    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

As far as the pancakes, was it because you were chastised at the dinner table?  If yes, who said what to you?

OMG Ann - your are exactly right.  My father had absolutely perfect table manners and he expected as much from my brothers and me.  I worked very, very hard at it.  When I was an adolescent I read and studied Emily Post.  I wanted to learn perfect, perfect table manners.   The better i got at it the more it was completely ignored.  I would go through life expecting people to notice my perfect table manners and expecting to get some kind of reward for it. - never did.

When ever I got good at anything my father would either sabotage me or ignore my accomplishment.  Never good enough - nothing was ever good enough.  Shame, shame, shame.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 Wouldn't it be nice if we could get "magic erasers" and erase all these messages(lol)
 They are so "dumb", when you really think about them.
 I think a really big thing that I need to be is  'selfish", which is really  "nurturing myself". I think that this is a big key ,for me. This is the root of my problems.
 I colluded with my M, NOT to nurture myself and I am still doing it.
I know that I found God by pure desperation .Now, I am there, so it is time to go forward.
A long time ago, I was sitting on the sofa with my oldest son, now 22. I" heard',inside me,  the Bible verse,"I will restore what the locusts have eaten."
 I knew, without a doubt, that it was God. It felt audible, but was not.
 God promised me that He could restore what "evil", in the form of my NM, stole.
 Evil forces WANT to steal, kill and destroy us. That is their purpose.
I have to have faith for all these good things to manifest. That is how it works. I forgot about that part(lol)
 It is funny how you can forget the  most important part, sometimes.
 Thanks for your wisdom, GS.         Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I am erasing each and every day.  I am erasing today - all morning.  The voices and messages keep popping up and I keep erasing just like a whack-a-mole, I just keep bopping and bopping.  I am going back to bopping right now.

[debkor]

GS,

Just keep putting it back where it belongs.  It's not your shame.  It's a shame that they did that to you (their shame) not yours.
Keep on bopping.

Love
Deb

[Gaining Strength]

That's right Deb.  Thanks for the reminder.  I welcome your reinforcement.  Each time I put it deeper and deeper into my being.

[Hopalong]

WHACK-AN-N!

WHACKA-SHAME!

WHACKA-DOUBT!

WHACK-A-FEAR!

ATTA GIRL, GS!!

hugs,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Cleaning franticly.  Someone is coming over today to interview my son for Big Brother/Big Sisters.

I have been working to feel nurturing instead of shame.  I have an image of nurturing adults who are encouraging me.  Wish me luck.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I am looking forward to hearing about your day.    Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I did it.  I worked all day - from 8 - 2 and cleaned up the main room, moving toys upstairs and cleaned two bathrooms and the kitchen.  There is certainly more to do but the key thing is that I did it steadily and without shame.  I just kept setting time limits and goals and kept going. 

I am very thankful.  I really cut through the shame.  This is one of the first times I have had a goal to meet and done it without ramping up into frantic, anxiety.  In the past the only way to get throught something like this was to fall into a frenetic panic state which just gets more and more frantic as time goes on and leaves me feeling wretched in the end and destroys any sense of accomplishment.  This time I feel a real sense of accomplishment and I do not feel worn out - not in the least.  In the past the state of anxiety would leave me completely worn out.

The real accomplishment today is not so much getting the organizing and cleaning done - it is doing this WITHOUT anxiety, WITHOUT shame.  That's a first.  I feel free, truly free for the first time - real hope. 

Oddly enough I still have a way to go but now I have had the experience of working on a shamed project without the shame.  Now I can do it again.

Thanks for all the support.

[Hopalong]

Holy moly.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH GS????


 

Joy for you, I GET it (mammoth, awesome, amazing growth), and ATTA GIRL!

love
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear GS... Yay!!         Such blessed freedom!!         ... and those walls come tumbling down!

I so much relate to that tormenting anxiety... and it still comes back, from time to time, and tries to wash away all progress... but it's nothing like the tidal wave it used to be, more like a little annoying ripple. Nobody can take away your many successes, GS... they're replacing all that's gone before and forming such a wonderfully solid foundation for you to build upon... Yay, again!!     I'm just thrilled for you.

Love,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I am so happy to hear of your progress. You are an inspiration to me, dear friend.    Love, Ami

(((((((((GS)))))))))))