Author Topic: Hurting and shame -- N saint strikes again, now I see psychopath saint  (Read 4737 times)

Gabben

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In the last few weeks I got wind of a few strikes N saint, or now to my realization, psychopath saint has taken against me. My gut tells me that she has fabricated false evidence against me; perhaps taking the only two short emails that I wrote her, out of my righteous indignation (as I was working through deep memory layers), and altering them to make me look really bad.

She has forwarded these emails on to my ministry and my parish, putting me to a social death. When people see or think that you are crazy they tend to dismiss you in their mind, they write you off.

The secretary of my parish even told me "to be gentle to others." It was like a serrated knife riping through my chest.

The looks and coldness I get from people is the worse especially since this past year I have worked so hard on my anger issues....there was recent conflict on the board and I was not a part of it.....that is progress.....I cannot handle hostility anymore!

Love you Ami!!


This past year I have worked my hardest through my rage and anger, the pain feeling like a knife sinking slowly in my chest, all the while I pray and seek forgiveness. More tears have wrung out of me than I could have ever imagined.

But now I feel deep burning shame, again, another layer. I mourn the loss of my voice. I've been too numb and ashamed to even speak here on this board.

N psychopath has a silent aggressive mission to silence my voice. She is using shame as her weapon, using my anger against me as a weapon and using my most painful scar/wound of abandonment as a weapon. She is making me out to be the aggressor and herself out to be the victim. In my distress, confusion, anger, bewilderment, rage, tears, heartache, paranoia (not knowing who to trust) I've become isolated and neurotic.

I'm going to dissapear, I'm so tired of hurting I can't breath. I'm so tired of crying my eyes are dry. I feel like nothing but a useless crazy, mentally ill and unwanted person. Is there no place for me in society except a message board?


From article: http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath_2.htm

Tim Field, a noted author and researcher of psychopathy, believes that the psychopath picks out people who can see through him: "A bully's (sociopath) apparent self-esteem and self-confidence is actually arrogance, an unsustainable belief of invulnerability honed from his willingness to act outside the bounds of society to ensure their survival. Targets (or victims) are people who can see through the arrogance to perceive the empty shell behind it - and bullies can sense who can see through them, furthering the target's elimination." [Bully OnLine]. This usually happens in the workplace, and in situations where the psychopath has let his mask drop.

P Saint's ego cannot handle a person knowing who she really is -- this is why she wants me dead.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2008, 05:00:38 PM by Gabben »

Gabben

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Can anyone tell me what the difference between a narcissist and psychopath is?

Gaining Strength

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No.  I thought I knew until you asked.  But I can tell you that there is a place in society for you besides a message board.  You cannot give up.  I know that you are worn out of fighting but now is when the battle really wages.  Nsaint/NPsycopath cannot win if you refuse to take on what she has dumped on you.

You are not the altered e-mails.  You are not even you own anger.  You are the person who carries the good that you know you have.  Nsaint/NPsycopath is defining you because that is what you are familiar with.  Someone just like Nsaint/NPsycopath has definied you in the past.  Now it is YOUR turn to define yourself.  You can do it.

Gabben

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Wow GS -- your words are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! Did the Holy Spirit just do a download on you before you wrote that?

Thanks for your encouragement -- when you get isolated because of the paranoia of not knowing who to trust it is easy to start believing your own lies again.

(((((GS)))) Thanks!

Gaining Strength

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I have lived that Gabben.  It took me several years to get out of it and along the way I made some errors that seems to just fall in on me.  I found people to be inhuman and the worse off I was the more trampled I got.  I still cannot believe how inhuman people can be.  And people in the church can be the very worst.  It is appalling.

Gabben

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I have lived that Gabben.  It took me several years to get out of it and along the way I made some errors that seems to just fall in on me.  I found people to be inhuman and the worse off I was the more trampled I got.  I still cannot believe how inhuman people can be.  And people in the church can be the very worst.  It is appalling.

Thanks GS -- I know exactly what you mean, I'm unimpressed with my church and pastor and with people there in general.

I want to leave but I can't leave Christ. So I am going to simply duck away as silently as I can and go get lost in the crowd at some other church so I can take Communion and still pray and love the liturgy.  Just as I am dead and useless to everyone I feel like simply acting that way. It is not revenge....I need to respect and protect myself and right about now I trust no one.

It hurts to not be able to trust others, it hurts so much.

Really this is the pain of being a little girl and realizing that I could not trust my mom...the loss of trust is wound, the loss hope in rescue because my dad walked out and never came back. How many times do we have to have a knife stabbed into us?

At least my rage and anger is gone, somewhat, I still feel anger but it is so mild compared to what I used to experience, it is really more like disgust and nausea at the inhuman, cowardice and lack of compassion in this world. Just absorbing that truth is traumatic.



« Last Edit: April 08, 2008, 02:28:42 PM by Gabben »

Gabben

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Lise, I wonder if there's any way for you to change churches? Why remain a target for this woman at all? I don't mean give up your work, just find another garden to hoe in, know what I mean?

In tai chi, it's a technique called removing the target of the attack - it's meant to be an aggressive maneuver; not defensive.

Hi Amber,

Nice to hear from you. Yes, I have thought of that and I actually tried that. But I was sort of swept back to my church by God, of all people. But I can feel God's protection and love for me guiding me towards another parish this time...I can hear Him saying "I know child, it hurts, you deserve better."

He is the only one that knows the shoes I have walked in and the integrity and authenticity which I strive for in this situation, I did not know that I was supposed to be perfect. I'm unimpressed with my parish and pastor.

Anyway, I prayed and I keep getting another parish in mind. It will be sad for me but coping with that is nothing compared to what I have had to cope with. I already tried to leave my parish once, I was like "here N saint -- take it all", I don't care, I am not out to win, I just wanted peace and love. This time I am leaving for good, for my sanity.

What astounds me is that I try so hard to live the Gospel and to really heal so that I can grow in love and yet my own parish rejects me, it hurts so much I want to vomit.

I'm a hypocrite.

At least God loves me.



« Last Edit: April 08, 2008, 02:47:03 PM by Gabben »

Gabben

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Exactly, thanks.

It just hurts, mourning the loss of my parish...this one hurts. I'm so glad that I have a wedding to attend out of state this weekend with real friends. It will help push me through this first week.


Ami

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Dear Lise,
 I am sorry  you are hurting. I know those feelings of "Why bother?"It is so easy for us to want to give up and just "evaporate".Ann says we(abused people) have an "orphan spirit". We don't feel like we have a place on earth.
 I can hear your pain,Lise. I wish I could help. I would do whatever I could to help.
          Love,   Ami

(((((((Lise))))))))
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Dear Lise,
 I am sorry you are hurting. I know those feelings of "Why bother?"It is so easy for us to want to give up and just "evaporate".Ann says we(abused people) have an "orphan spirit". We don't feel like we have a place on earth.
 I can hear your pain,Lise. I wish I could help. I would do whatever I could to help.
          Love,   Ami

(((((((Lise))))))))
 


Orphan spirit -- I like that, that is how I feel. It all relates to having my voice orphaned.

Right now I am feeling what feels like the long sharp jab of a serrated knife in my chest being slowing pulled out by N saint, with those predatory black eyes of hers, while she sadistically grins and wisphers "how dare you think you can tarnish my image, all you had is now mine."

Not to keep score but let's see what she has taken from me this year:
1. My reputation
2. My spiritual director
3. My dignity
4. My ministry
5. My hairstyle and wardrobe
6. Some friends
7. My ministry, my passion
8. My parish
9. Time spent in distress over her ruthless actions
10. Opportunities for me to use my gifts and talents.
11. My dignty


Now let's see what she have given me by her taking:
1. A deeper relationship with God, faith
2. More healing and insight about my childhood, growth.
3. A more discerning eye
4. Knowledge about Narcissism and Psychopathy
5. An emerging authentic voice
6. This message board
7. More freedom from self


What I have retained:
1. My goodness
2. My gifts
3. My love for God
4. My Faith
5. My health
6. My home
7. My family and close friends
8. My freedom


Ami -- the pain is so painful....it burns, it hurts, it aches like nothing I have ever experienced before....I can barely breath...please God let this be the darkness before the dawn. I have just about given up all hope and I am so frightened.

« Last Edit: April 08, 2008, 04:58:51 PM by Gabben »

Ami

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Dear Lise,
 This morning, I thought I would have a heart attack, I hurt so badly. I think I understand your pain. I know we are different people,but I am hurting like hell,right now, too.
 I feel like "Why bother?" with all this self growth when I can get squished down so fast and furiously and feel so  hopeless. I bet you feel the same way, if I am  not mistaken.
 We try so hard to heal and be whole. Then, we get shoved down under a tidal wave from the outside AND our own shame and we don't want to bother getting up again, to try again.
 I hope I am not being presumptuous in comparing you to me.
 I think we are going through something similar, feelings wise.
 I just feel like "Why bother to try to get whole?"----bleh.
 Can you relate ,Lise?       Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: Hurting and shame -- N saint strikes again, now I see psychopath saint
« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2008, 05:06:00 PM »
Hi Ami -- suicidal thoughts are racing through my mind. I feel like going there....I feel so useless, unwanted, and without a home. I feel so "bad" for expressing my anger to the psychopath.

Suicide feels like an option right about now -- I have almost given up hope in God and hope in life.

NO -- you are not presumptuous.

I feel like "Why bother?" with all this self growth when I can get squished down so fast and furiously and feel so  hopeless. I bet you feel the same way, if I am  not mistaken.
 We try so hard to heal and be whole. Then, we get shoved down under a tidal wave from the outside AND our own shame and we don't want to bother getting up again, to try again.



I feel this way too. It feels as if someone stuck a wad of explosions in my chest and then lit the fuse. The burning ache is indescribable.

No one will listen, no one will call, no one cares.

Ouch -- Let me offer this up and just try to breath my way through another day.

Ami

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Re: Hurting and shame -- N saint strikes again, now I see psychopath saint
« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2008, 05:11:46 PM »
Dear Lise,
 Scott commited suicide and s/one lashed in to me so cruely . I have such a bad stomach ache. I feel I AM so bad, just as my NM told me I was.
 I despair of ever holding my head up and claiming my place in life . I think maybe my NM was RIGHT all along. Maybe I AM that horrible ,bad person who DESERVED all that cutting, decimating, burning, caustic ,degrading shame to pour on my head?
 I understand ,Lise. I understand. We will get through together. What do you say?     Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Hurting and shame -- N saint strikes again, now I see psychopath saint
« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2008, 05:23:11 PM »
Dear Lise,
 You and I always seek the truth. The truth is that it is NOT the N saint or the person who hurt me who is the problem. It is OUR shame. It is within us.
 EVEN if they did not trigger it, we  are still running all the time ,on the gerbil wheel, to get away from it.
 We have to look at the truth. There will ALWAYS be people put there to hurt us. Just walk out the door.
 It is out there ,waiting to happen.
 Shame is out there ,like a bogeyman.
It is good when it does, in a way, b/c we are FORCED to face ourselves.
Addictions(any) are running away from shame. I have tried to shop it away and get enough approval to push it away, but it never worked and never will..
 We have to look it in the eye, Lise.
 Maybe, it was not a coincidence that we are both hurting,today, so we can help each other. What do you say? Take my hand as we did the first night you came on the board?    Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: Hurting and shame -- N saint strikes again, now I see psychopath saint
« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2008, 05:32:50 PM »
Oh Ami -- I am so sorry. I read the "rage" thread this morning. It was like your worst fear come true. My dearest (((Ami)))

Here you are searching and seeking truth and healing, God does not make us perfect in a year or even a lifetime.

His love and Mercy for us is abundant. What feels so shameful is others who have never walked in our shoes and who have cold hearts and no compassion. They do not want to hear our pain because it touches too deeply their own. They are weak and frightened humans. Perhaps I should walk in their shoes....so that I can be more compassionate to them and their weakness?

For the moment, I'm too tired of walking in others shoes when no one even at least tries to walk in mine for even 10 seconds.

We will get through this together.

Let's talk about our childhoods and where the pain is really coming from, OK?

Thank you -- I'm taking  your hand...I'm crying those tears.

For days I have not been able to eat or sleep. I awoke last night at 3:00 am and could not get back to sleep. I'm tired, wrung out, exhausted, and so ashamed.