In the last few weeks I got wind of a few strikes N saint, or now to my realization, psychopath saint has taken against me. My gut tells me that she has fabricated false evidence against me; perhaps taking the only two short emails that I wrote her, out of my righteous indignation (as I was working through deep memory layers), and altering them to make me look really bad.
She has forwarded these emails on to my ministry and my parish, putting me to a social death. When people see or think that you are crazy they tend to dismiss you in their mind, they write you off.
The secretary of my parish even told me "to be gentle to others." It was like a serrated knife riping through my chest.
The looks and coldness I get from people is the worse especially since this past year I have worked so hard on my anger issues....there was recent conflict on the board and I was not a part of it.....that is progress.....I cannot handle hostility anymore!
Love you Ami!!
This past year I have worked my hardest through my rage and anger, the pain feeling like a knife sinking slowly in my chest, all the while I pray and seek forgiveness. More tears have wrung out of me than I could have ever imagined.
But now I feel deep burning shame, again, another layer. I mourn the loss of my voice. I've been too numb and ashamed to even speak here on this board.
N psychopath has a silent aggressive mission to silence my voice. She is using shame as her weapon, using my anger against me as a weapon and using my most painful scar/wound of abandonment as a weapon. She is making me out to be the aggressor and herself out to be the victim. In my distress, confusion, anger, bewilderment, rage, tears, heartache, paranoia (not knowing who to trust) I've become isolated and neurotic.
I'm going to dissapear, I'm so tired of hurting I can't breath. I'm so tired of crying my eyes are dry. I feel like nothing but a useless crazy, mentally ill and unwanted person. Is there no place for me in society except a message board?
From article:
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath_2.htmTim Field, a noted author and researcher of psychopathy, believes that the psychopath picks out people who can see through him: "A bully's (sociopath) apparent self-esteem and self-confidence is actually arrogance, an unsustainable belief of invulnerability honed from his willingness to act outside the bounds of society to ensure their survival. Targets (or victims) are people who can see through the arrogance to perceive the empty shell behind it - and bullies can sense who can see through them, furthering the target's elimination." [Bully OnLine]. This usually happens in the workplace, and in situations where the psychopath has let his mask drop. P Saint's ego cannot handle a person knowing who she really is -- this is why she wants me dead.
