Gratitude28? and a vent

[seasons]

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[Juno]

I'm pretty sure I would not have lasted nine years as you have.  You're a very strong person!

Is your sister married?  How come her husband doesn't do these things for her?

[gratitude28]

seasons,
There is so much here to say - on your end and mine.
My NM could be your NS's sister.
How do they not see how gross and repulsive they can be? How can they think that any attention is good attention?
Why do I not address this? Why don't you?
I think in my case because I have managed to stay so far away that I don't have to deal with her much.
Can you get away????
She obviously uses the cancer as an ongoing attention-getter.
I will write more later. I need to think about what you have brought up and try to figure out why it has affected me so much too.
((((((((((((((seasons)))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
 You are in a terrible situation. I can see your distress. I wish I had an answer or some advice. I think that you are connected to your heart and your heart will lead you.
 With my H, I told him, today, HOW angry I was at him. I told him,it was over 20 years worth of anger.He accepted it b/c I am too strong for him to try to hurt me, now.
 The end game for me was taking my power back .
 With my mother, I took it back, also.
 I , simply, stood up and told the truth about my life.
 I did not try to protect THEM anymore, just as my recent board experience. I feel badly for the person----very,very badly BUT I will not sacrifice myself for s/one else's issues.I will push back someone who violates me. It is THEIR issue,not mine. If I stand up for myself , *I* am not responsible for hurt THEY  feel. They brought it on themselves for  'violating" to me. I don't have to try to make it "right". I just have to try to protect  myself from violation. That is emotional health,I think.
 My experience may not have anything to do with yours.
 I never had a sister(Thank God),so I can't relate to sister issues.
 Compost what does not fit, Seasons.      Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

(((((((Seasons)))))))

cowardly for me to say do, since I didn't have the sense not to walk into the caregiver role...but if I had it to do over again, I would not have.

It's been a decade of my precious life.

Can you move?
Can you say no?

Can you take assertiveness training so you can say Yes and No without guilt?

love to you,
Hops

[seasons]

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[seasons]

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[seasons]

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[Juno]

Oh, seasons, it's been much, much longer than 9 years then, hasn't it?

I went through a spell of several years of those types of phone calls from my sister.  She would get in these jags, usually after getting drunk.  She would spend the entire night on the phone calling me, my mother, my father, etc.  She would say the same things over and over again to each of us.  An endless loop of unresolvable problems.  It was so incredibly frustrating, as you have experienced first hand.

Once I got the job I have now, where I needed much more sleep and had much less free time, I became more and more angry about these phone calls.  I began screening and not picking up when it was her.  Once my mother got wind of this she became offended and acted as if I were also screening her calls.  No, it was just my sister.  But Mom laid on the guilt.

I have not spoken to my sister on the phone for several years now.  It is exclusively email.  She tried to break boundaries that way, too.  But she did not succeed.

I am lucky.  We live several states away.

Seasons, I hope you can come up with something.  You deserve to live too.  This sounds beyond stressful to me.

It sounds like your husband is supportive to you. 

I don't think it is fair to say of yourself that you are not honest with her--she does not allow for that.  The whole thing is dishonest--by her reckoning not yours.

Sister issues.  That's a biggie for me too.  It is hard to cut them off.  But my sanity couldn't maintain itself if I didn't cut my sister off.  I catered to her for her entire life.  It was a big sacrifice too.  Enough was enough.  I was over forty when I finally got sick enough of it to make the change.  But I don't know how it would have gone if we lived in the same town.  Hmmm.  Maybe I would have done it sooner.

I hope you catch a break soon, seasons.

[seasons]

((Juno)),
I am in awe at the extent of how much you understand. I have a hard time expressing myself on the computer, it takes me pages to get out what someone could say in a sentence. So thank you so much for having the patience to read my post.


She would say the same things over and over again to each of us.  An endless loop of unresolvable problems.
You had this happen to you too. I'm sorry, it is exhausting.

It was so incredibly frustrating,

Extremely and so hard to share this agony of endlessness with anyone.

Once I got the job I have now, where I needed much more sleep and had much less free time, I became more and more angry about these phone calls.  I began screening and not picking up when it was her.

Juno that is so inspiring to hear. I am so very happy for you.

Did your sister leave messages for you to call her back, or did you have just caller I.D. no answering machine. Because my sister is famous for her dramatic messages to call her back, like I'm 911. Maybe I should shut off my machine and just use caller i.d.
Or drop my land line which I have thought of often. I should just do it now. That would shake things up.

I have not spoken to my sister on the phone for several years now.  It is exclusively email.  She tried to break boundaries that way, too.  But she did not succeed.
Juno it sounds like a very peaceful place to be with your sister. I know how hard the dynamics are and it's wonderful you have found a healthy balance. Your road sounded very long and hard.
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story with me and others. It is so freeing to just let it out and so healing to be understood.

I am lucky.  We live several states away.

 

Sister issues.  That's a biggie for me too.  It is hard to cut them off.  But my sanity couldn't maintain itself if I didn't cut my sister off.  I catered to her for her entire life.  It was a big sacrifice too.  Enough was enough.  I was over forty when I finally got sick enough of it to make the change.  But I don't know how it would have gone if we lived in the same town.  Hmmm.  Maybe I would have done it sooner.

I hear and understand your every word, as if I uttered them myself. You are very brave, with a kind heart. It sad what can never be, but not sad enough to do it any longer.

With sincere appreciation, seasons

[Hopalong]

Maybe I should shut off my machine and just use caller i.d.
Or drop my land line which I have thought of often. I should just do it now. That would shake things up.

YESSSSSSS!

It is simply a boundary. A healthy boundary.
That you're placing around the sacred space of your family and your own serenity.

Boundaries can be saying NO, and that includes saying NO to the tyranny of the telephone. I'd send her an email that for family reasons you're going to only be in touch by email that you'll check once a week, as you've come to understand you can't take care of her any more. It's unfortunate and inconvenient, you realize, but here are some community resources that help people get to medical appts:  -----  ------ etc.

And then do a separate hotmail account just for her and only check it once a week.

I loved what Juno said: You deserve to live too.

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
 I hear people saying that you should 'check out" your concept of "have-to". What do you have to do, for your own sense of right and wrong? What don't you 'have " to?
 It is hard for us to discern when to give and when to say 'No" b/c our cores are not very solid and we don't trust ourselves.
 I think it is about examining what you will and will not do. SHE will not give you her blessing on it. That would be a given,but YOU,in the quiet of your mind, can examine your relationship with her.
 I know with my M and my H, they DO back down b/c N's are  cowards. They do back down when they see strength.
 I think that your own strength is the key, Seasons.
 Just my thought on this. I don't think your sister is being a "jerk" on purpose. It is how she is and how she thinks. However, you have to do what you can do and not sacrifice yourself in a way that hurts you. That is the hard part with N's. We don't have enough inner core to stand up and so we are endlessly,in their dance.
 It is hard, Seasons, but you have defined and expressed the problem. That is a very ,big step. Keep writing about it and getting feedback. It will get more manageable  as you take it out of your head  and bring it to the light.       Love  Ami

[Juno]

seasons, We have an answering machine but she didn't try the dramatic messages stunt with us.  I think at first she thought I really wasn't there.  And since she had others to call, she'd just go on to the next number.  There was one time when I just said what I thought out loud and she got very mad at me.  Another time I just couldn't keep the frustration out of  my voice and she got mad at that, too.  It seems like one time she hung up on me and didn't call for awhile.  Boy, it's been so long now, it's hard to remember.  I don't want to remember, either! 

Oh, you know what?  My husband helped me too.  He began answering the phone and telling her I had gone to bed (which was probably going to be true in a few minutes anyway).  So, he was a big, big help in that way. 

The thing is, it was gradual.  I didn't really confront her or make a grand statement.  And of course, she was far away.  Another thing she used to do with phone calls was make my mother feel guilty about not giving her enough money.  My sister has been a single mom for a long time and had trouble keeping jobs and such.  But I happened to know that my sister purposely keeps the visible balance in her checkbook much lower than it really is.  She has always done this.  Purposely depositing money and not recording it.  Then she pretends her checkbook balance is the real thing.  As a hedge against bouncing checks.  Good idea for budgeting but not really fair if you then go on to insist that you are poor and someone else should give you money.  Once I told my mother that, she was able to stop bailing her out all the time.  It seems like my sister adapted her behaviors to what would work with each person.  Pretty much nothing she does works on me anymore.  She used me up.  Wore me out.  Ha ha!  My life has done that too!!

seasons, I'm glad you have found something in here that is helpful.  I think you can find a way that will work for you.  Just identifying the problem is a major hurdle.  If you take small steps then maybe it won't have to be confrontational or a complete break.

With me, I got worn out and angry about it.  And I had some priorities that I just couldn't brush aside anymore.  My sanity, my rest, my family are more important than my sister venting.  And I'm not a big fan of venting for the sake of venting.  And being manipulated and used!!!!  It took me a long time to see that aspect of it--then there was no going back.

Keep working on it with this thread if you have time.  I bet you will come up with a plan.

[ann3]

Seasons,

I think it's wonderful that you are making these changes in your life.  We desrve to be happy.

Don't be surprised if your sisters and mother start laying on the guilt as you enforce your boundaries.  They will probably resist your emanicipation and will try to make you feel guilty, but don't give in.  In the begining, you probably will take 1 step forward and 2 steps back as you work your way towards freedom, but that's OK, forgive yourself.

I use caller ID -it's great!!  If they ask you where you were, just say you were out or didn't hear the phone.  with my sibling, I have cut down the calls to no more than twice a week.  Do whatever you can to protect your sanity.  Your sister sounds like an emotional vampire, sucking the life out of you.  She needs to learn that other people can take her to the MD.  That's not your "job".  Sometimes you can take her and sometimes you can't.  Can she use car service or a taxi?

my sister is famous for her dramatic messages to call her back, like I'm 911.  Me too!!  Like I'm 911, yes!!  So, I ask, "what would you like me to do about it?"  And, then I say "stop the drama, I am not 911"

Once we see how the manipulators manipulate us, we can break free.

[seasons]

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