Almost Guilted

[Ami]

I am sorry everything is coming down on your head, Kelly. I know how that feels. I am trying to carve out a home, in myself. That is what I have been missing since I was a teen, my own home, inside me.
I am sending love and prayers!                                            A Big Hug,   Ami


(((((((((Kelly)))))))

[debkor]

Kelly,

It's ok.  Crying is a good thing.  Your life is starting a new stage.  You don't have to like what you have done in the past.  It's really alright and when I was about 47 or 48 I started to think, I don't know if I like what I'm doing anymore, I need changes.  You start to observe what you have done or not done at this point and I think you should go for whatever you want to go for.  Try things you never even thought of.  This is your time now Kell. 

I tried crazy things and absolutely loved it.  I was always an office worker and went into a bit of construction.  I didn't care. What was the worst that could happen, I hate it, so what then I'd find something else.  oh hell Kell I even let my hair grow to my waist. And went blonde. 

It's time to do what you WANT.  I know it's hard with all that is going on with M and extended family members but you have to really push yourself to say F* that. I'm changing and they have to too or I will move on without them.  They are going to have to adjust to you.  You do have the right to be happy Kell you do not need permission for that or be guilty of it.

I say you explore everything that could be a possibility of something you may or may not like.  It's scary to do new things but fun as hell too. 

And it is perfectly alright to say No to people.  NO GUILT Kell.  NO GUILT.

You do have the power, dig deep.

Love
Deb

[debkor]

Kelly,

I forgot to tell you.  When you start to explore things your crying is going to change into smiles and lots of laughter when you think about, oh no I did not do that, or oh I did do that.  There really is sun, let it shine on you, go outside, explore.  Leave that dark cloud where it belongs to NM and other family members.  You have a choice to live in and where you want to.  I know it's not the dark cloud for you.

I want to see you laugh.

Love
Deb

[Overcomer]

Thank you all.  Of course things are worse today because it is that time.  You all like clock work can watch me go off the deep end every single month!  But I am at the end of my rope.  The business is sinking.  My aunt is a leach.  My H is a drunk.  The frustration level has gotten to me.  I want my mom to sell the business.  I want her to drop kick her sister.  I really wish those folks would call me and ask me for an interview.  I am probably older than they are so them are weirded out by me.

[Ami]

((((((((Kelly)))))))))))    Love` Ami

[Overcomer]

I will take that hug Am!  I snapped yesterday.  My H went out and bought two pairs of shoes and two pairs ofjeans and a pair of slacks and then jumped on me for running up the credit card.  I screamed and even shoved him  and cursed!

[Ami]

Kelly,  I can see how PMS gets you every month.
 My key has always been to have a room with a lock on it ,from the time the children were little. I ,always, had a place that I could decompress in. I  still need a place I can go where no one can get in and push me that next little bit when I may lose it.
       Love    Ami

[Overcomer]

Ok mark your calendars-around May 10 I should be going on and on about the same things.  You can see it cant you Am?  I am being irrational arent I?

[Juno]

I think the PMS could be "blinding" you.  Depression does that to me and lately the depression is happening almost all of the time.  It is such a struggle to see past the distractions/distortions/loss of perspective that depression/PMS generate.  I am so tired of it myself. 

I have had the pattern of PMS-generated depression or mood swings and it made me so mad each time I would wake up on the third or fourth day and find that the veil or whatever had lifted and I felt fine even though circumstances hadn't changed a bit.  I felt like it invalidated how I had been feeling about real problems. 

Now..... I wish that third or fourth day would come along.  I wish I could say .... Damn, PMS did it to me!  I could use some relief.

[Hopalong]

Chirping ditto to Deb:

You do have the right to be happy Kell you do not need permission for that or be guilty of it.

I say you explore everything that could be a possibility of something you may or may not like.  It's scary to do new things but fun as hell too. 

I think when you explore and try and apply and consider alternatives (including, perhaps, to the big house) you FREE yourself of an internalized trap...that's not a real trap.

My dependency on my mother's house for shelter has come back to bite me, as now my brother may manage to set things up so I have to burn through the equity. The lawyer was just about to transfer it to me (perfectly legal and ethical) when my brother petitioned the court to take over, so all is stalled. And the long term resut may be that it's all gone before she is.

Life is too SHORT to be a prisoner. That said, I don't think you are your husband's or your mother's prisoner, Kel...you just might be your own prisoner.

You had a right to get the surgery. You have a right to work elsewhere. You even have a right to live elsewhere. (Does a cozy, HAPPY townhouse sound good?). And you have a right to stop having your entire life be a reaction to your mother, your husband, or anyone.

I suggest calling the restaurant and speaking to the manager, or better yet, going in again. Just to say: I just stopped by to let you know that I am extremely motivated to have this opportunity, and ask if there's any other information I could provide you to help you in your decision?

That has helped me, at times, win jobs I wasn't sure I could get. It just requires believing that it really is okay to ask for what you want--to help it happen. Whether you get this one or the next one, it's just GREAT that you're looking. Keep going, DO NOT GIVE UP!

Love,
Hops

[Overcomer]

Yes I am over the top depressed during that time of the month.  So one week out of the month I am a basket case.  But I still hate my situation the other three weeks.  I thought maybe I should go in too.  But what about the bad back?  I have to have hope!

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi OC

My menopauase was at age 58.... previously had a few problems, one requiring a D&C and that fixed the main one. I was never depressed about anything all my life, from 15-58, in this regard....once 15 and 'IT' arrived.

When I was about 19, I worked with a girl who was in such a state on her first day, that when she didn't show up for work, our Boss knew why and it was paid as 'sick leave'... it had been discussed and okayed. I was very interested in that 'not talked about acknowledgement'.

[Overcomer]

That is what I am afraid of-10 more years of this!  My mom thinks I should be able to mind over matter this.  Well I got an email from the place and they want me to come in for an interview today!  I think I may take a job two nights a week to see if I like it and then make my decision whether to leave.

[Juno]

Mind over matter???  Depression is real, PMS is real and Narcissism is real.  They can't be thought away any more than they can be thought into existence.

Glad to hear you got an interview already!  Good luck!!

[towrite]

(((((((((Kelly))))))))

Keep your zipper on the inside and try not to let their insanity contaminate you!  Thinking of you.

towrite