Had a good day yesterday...... really needed it.

[lighter]

Very important day and I wanted to share the upswing with the board.

I might not be doing the Snoopy dance but I'm feeling lighter and less victimized today, which is huge for me.

I've been having trouble working through dark feelings and thoughts.... it seems to be lifting a bit lately and yesterday was a big step.... along with the week I've had alone with my children.

A respite from the haunting and thoughts about better days to come.

I couldn't have asked for a better outcome yesterday (which is a small step in the scheme of things) but now when I can't sleep.... it's bc positive thoughts race through my mind. 

Better: )

[Izzy_*now*]

That's wonderful, lighter

One step at a time (day) and going your way... sounds good.

Keep it up

Love
Izzy

[seasons]

Lighter,

So happy for you!


Hugs and love to you and your family. seasons

[lighter]

My children had a bad moment at bedtime last night.

It seems if I ever celebrate something good in my life....

there's a backlash of discomfort and distress to show me I shouldn't have.

I know that's not rational but.....

that's the way it seems.

For now..... I determine to keep myself as even keeled through the good and the bad times as I possibly can. 

Grateful instead of pleased....

choosing to count blessings rather than feel relief.

I really think I have the answers.

Today I concentrate on being mindful of my emotions and how they affect my life.

ps.... yesterday I got down on my knees and pulled weeds, filling the little bed of my nephews tonka dumptruck then helping my 5yo trundle it to the weed pile.  Sooooo nice.  Such a perfectly mild sunny breezy cool day for it.

Does anyone know the name of a lacy weed that sprays it's seeds 2 feet in diameter when you pull it?

I was stunned  at the ingenuity of nature.  I think I planted 20 more weeds with erery one I pulled.... no matter HOW I pulled (and I tried lots of different methods, believe me, lol.)

As alarming as that was.... I was amazed and chose not to be upset or irritated.  Just an observer.

I jumped on the trampoline with my girls and we listened to the wind talk to us through the trees.  We watched a hawk circle then land above us, searching for a mousy meal.  We watched him take off again and fly far away...... the sky was perfectly sky blue, hardly a cloud.

I walked the banks of the lovely stream and checked out the abundant moss, ferns and assorted other little native shade plants.... thinking all the while how I'll incorporate them in my planters then return them to their little spots when done. 

I felt several things..... but mostly that I was happy to be in that that beautiful backyard setting with my girls.  Content and busy.  \

Honestly, it's so green and well manicured I had the giddy feeling of being somewhere else.... like the grounds of an asylum.....

or.....

something. 

Odd but I'm learning to ignore self sabotaging thoughts and embrace the wonder of living in the moment. 

I did just that though..... laughing at the negative thoughts intruding and banishing them with positive ones.

Today the frost warnings should end..... my thoughts turn to planting in the boggy muddy fish filled creek bed I explored yesterday. 

Yup yup yup.

[debkor]

Hey Light,

I really like what you write.  You are such a good mom and person.  I like walking along in your stories.  These are similar memories I have as a child.  I remember parks and exploring and it brings me back when I read you.  Your children are very lucky.  They will always carry these memories for a life time (I am proof of it).  My best memories are the simple ones.  Just the together ones where you had to to nothing just to do a whole lot  of  something that money and tickets could not buy.

This will forever be with your children no matter what trials life will bring them.  I carried them now my children carry them and I hope it goes on and on into generations to come.   

When life takes a sharp turn and things are not always fair and trying times are ahead you and your children can always dip back into those wonderfull simple days (memories) when you were so happy just exploring nature and  when something happens, your strength, get strengthened, your heart lightens and you remember, what it's all about and it helps you move along because you really know what happiness is and it is really so Simple. That they will always carry in their hearts because you showed them the way and when things happen (God Forbid) I wish them nothing but happiness, but if, they can always follow their hearts and find their way back or out because you showed them the way.

You make your children feel very loved, secure and happy.  You leave your children to be just that (children) while you join in and share their experiences on such a personal level (seeing through their eyes) and handling your adult problems separate.

You light are thee Best mom one could ever wish for.

Love
Deb

 

[lighter]

Thanks for the kind words, Deb.

It's a funny thing to have thoughts like "WHAT DID MY FATHER/MOTHER DO!?!?" Pop into my head when a child gets boo boo or some crisis rears up unexpectedly. 

But that's exactly how it is for me.

It's liike I go into my childhood encylapedia and look for the approrpiate reference.

I hope that I'm providing that for my girls... and....

just in case.....

began writing a reference book several years back, with everything I think I know and wanted to share with them, just in case I couldn't be around to guide them as they grow.

I started a thread on the board I posted on, at the time.

I think I'll start one here.  ::nod::

(((Deb)))  Thanks for the uplifting thoughts.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

Such lovely , warming posts, lighter

Am in a rush but is the plant/weed Queen Anne's Lace, also known as Wild Carrot--a weed, that we kids used to have to walk through all the fields on ourt 100 acre farm and pull out BY THE Roots, but if seeds fly that's why we had to do it every year.

Is this it?
http://images.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.holoweb.com/cannon/images/Daucus_carota.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.holoweb.com/cannon/queenann.htm&h=1300&w=819&sz=88&hl=en&start=4&tbnid=TVDyGmoo7N44vM:&tbnh=150&tbnw=95&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dqueen%2Bannes%2Blace%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG

[lighter]

Izzy..... maybe when the flowers come.... it'll look like that but.... it was a low growing plant....

ummmm.....

maybe 6inches tall, about 6" in dameter and SPRAYED seeds in every direction when you touched it.  Like one of those seed throwing devices used to sow grass seeds.

Amber..... the book I'm writing for my girls won't have any bill organizing paying advice ::ahem::

But it's full of baby care and practical wisdoms.

Unfortunately, learning the hard way seems to be a right of passage.

[Leah]

Hi Lighter,

Love the new you!  Love your writings! 

You sound all brand new and filled with peace and joy ... wonderful, truly happy for you.

Walking in the sunshine amongst the spring flowers with new buds bursting forth all around ... does it for me, every day, during my early morning, and evening. walks.

Leah x

[lighter]

Leah... interesting that you think this is the new me.

This is just me.....

learning to handle chaos and crisis better, bc I have no choice.



Not new,

but shellshocked and reduced to my bare bones and children.... receiving shelter from my family.

Thanks for the kind words and I enjoyed picturing you walking peacefully in the early morning and evenings.

Lighter

[debkor]

Hey Light,

I know what you mean.  I felt the same.  People use to ask me how did I get to where I had arrived (through it all) and really?  I had no choice and was the only answer I ever had.

Love
Deb

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Lighter

I was reading and noticed this, that didn't register on first read:

It seems if I ever celebrate something good in my life....

there's a backlash of discomfort and distress to show me I shouldn't have.

I know that's not rational but.....

that's the way it seems.

I think it didn't register, as I had forgotten that long ago, I had decided to not talk about anything good that happened to me, because if I did, it came back to bite me. So perhaps you say that isn't rational, but it sounds dead on for me, so I am not going to announce the good things that happen, because I'm just "speaking too soon" or jinxing myself, being complacent, and I have never been one to be complacent, as things can change in the blink of the eye.

I mentioned my not being complacent to a young fellow with whom I worked on a special project for computers for the disabled. He had received a huge Government Grant to be channelled through our Group, of which I was Treasurer, so we saw much of each other to keep good track of his budget and the expenses.

He came to me one day and said he now understood what I meant, because he was in such a good place with this job (the Fund paid him well), the 3 participants were learning their computers well (one blind, one deaf, one severe dyslexia) under his tutelage. his girl-friend had agreed to marry him,  his new black car. (He loved black and I gave him a black desk lamp for his 26th birthday)

He had thought about this as he was driving to Toronto, and on the return trip he was in an accident that demolished his car and he was injured, but not beyond healing. I remember a broken leg kept him down and away from the other things. He said he would never be complacent again.

Love
Izzy
Edit in] This somehow fits in with your post to me on my 'daughter thread'. The practical me. Thanks for setting me straight, as I just said I would give her a break.... I need to be pulled back sometimes and with her I must never become complacent.]
Thank you
Izzy

[lighter]

Deb.... it's true.  We don't learn to negotiate dark winding paths into fear bc we choose to....

growing through the challenges.

 We simply do what must be done.





Izzy.... maybe it's the way we interpret good luck...

Maybe 'jinxing ourselves' is in some way attached to our expectations....

 being attached to certain outcomes and not open to whatever comes?

Not sure but..... I've been thinking a lot about that lately. 

I hope you do give your daughter the breaks you deserved from your parents, and never received.....

but keep in mind that our expectations can open us up to dissapointment....

 or keep us safe.

Ya think?

Lighter

[gratitude28]

Glad to hear things are lookiing up, lighter. Keep on keepin' on and eventually you will realize you have made it through the bleak period.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

Beth.... it's funny how we move through the void. 

Two steps forward.....

one step back. 

Then we're no longer in the dark

and surprised about it.