Hi Ami,
I just had the chance to read your story ... and you rip at my heart. I knew you did/do, from reading your posts. But to hear just these few overarching details about your life ... oh, my dear little girl (if you will permit me that) -- my heart really goes out to you.
You mention these things, but there must of been hundreds if not thousands of similar things your mother did that you don't remember. It must have been an everyday thing for you, several times a day. Those few things you describe that your mother said to you -- how outrageously inappropriate and awful. I am so sorry that that is your experience of mothering. I'm not a mother, so I have lots of maternal "stuff" in me to give. Perhaps you would allow me to do that. I would just love to wrap you in what you should have received and let you know what that is. (As best as I know it, since I'm lacking in my own experience of it.)
As bad as my family was, I cannot imagine growing up the way you did. My mom may have neglected me and my dad may have been an ogre ... but they were NOTHING like what you grew up with. Whatever they did or didn't do, my parents gave me a lot of consistency: the rules were always laid out and they were very clear and they always remained the same; my parents were always who they were, and they were extremely consistent in how they treated us/me -- that is, it wasn't one way one minute and another way the next; and I grew up in the same house in the same town in the same school. That's a lot of consistency, and it counts for so much. I do look at other families some times and thank my parents for the good things they did do.
But you! My poor dear. Your tiny little voice comes through shouting at me; it is an amazing contrast. In fact, paradox, that one little voice so tiny and squashed could say so much in her little volume (I'm a musician, so I may speak in terms of musical attributes at times). You are a pianissississimo (extremely soft), but at least for me, those are the musical passages that most move me, and lead me to transcendence. I am always speechless, transformed, when they end.
Ami, the good news of the Gospel is that God sees you for all your possibilities. God knows what you can become. God has a much larger picture of you (or me or any of us) than you or I can see or imagine. God sees possibilities in you that you and I cannot; that is the message of the New Testament. (But happy Passover!! Old Testament is good too.) People spend so much time worrying about and studying the particulars and tiny little portions of the Bible, when really, it needs to be taken in its entirety. What really matters is this one huge message: God is good, and benevolent. God's mercy never ends and most of all, neither does God's joy or love.
I experienced this for myself. If you read anything about my experience with my pastor -- well, you know he's a crazy mixed up N. But I want you and everyone to know that very early in the "game" last year (I would call it a game whether he was an N or not), after I first approached him about his feelings for me (he was sending out signals) and we talked, I saw for myself the endless love and joy of God in his eyes. I know, I know, this is one crazy man -- but I tell you, I saw his divine calling. However bad he is, he is truly called to the ministry. I have absolutely no doubt of that because of what I experienced/saw in him. For some brief seconds, I saw and felt and experienced the endless, endless joy and love of God; it was God's eternal light just pouring through this man. It was an experience I cannot fully describe, but I will remember it until my dying day. I will never forget that experience of joy and love without end ... it was so infinite that you can't even use the word "end" in the same sentence -- because all I could feel was infinity .. and just unbelievable joy and love. It was not of this man (it was not directed to me and did not come from him, it just existed on its own) and it was not of this earth. I suppose that sounds a little wacky. but I know what I saw and felt and experienced.
All I can tell you is, it was golden. Literally. Bright, shining, golden. The best I can describe it is that it was like seeing little burning bushes in his eyes -- yes, the same kind of burning bush. I experienced infinity, and I experienced joy and love without end. I wish I could pass that on to you, because it was just ... something. I wanted to stay suspended there forever. I wish I could pass on to you what infinity feels like, and what this endless joy and love felt like. It was incredible. Bottomless.
So I leave you with that for now, my dear. There is an Infinite Presence who loves you and all of us, and that Presence is behind each and every one of us, calling out our names. God knows our names. In the garden after the Resurrection, Jesus called to Mary by her name. That is the good news of Easter: God knows who we are, and what we need, and God will provide it. You will be wrapped in God's luxurious warmth and radiance. Just wait and see.
Until then, I wrap you in as much warmth and radiance of my own as I can.
xoxo,
LilyCat
