Shame again.

[Gaining Strength]

I have to revisit shame again.  I thought and hoped I was ready to move past it and onto the positive but I am not quite ready.  I can work on both at the same time I believe but I need to continue to purge the shame.

I woke up again overwrought with shame - old issues and new.  I am terribly isolated and it appears that when I meet people especially through my son's activities this isolation/rejection continues.  I am choosing to work on this through changing my thought patterns and by opening my heart to God's healing love.  But the shame and rejection are strong. 

The worst part of the shame and rejection for me, worse than the rejection is the paralysis.  That part is lifting, slowly but surely.  That change is welcome but part of it is that as the paralysis begins to lift the cover of the shame gets lifted and more shame gets exposed.  Then there is yet more shame to deal with - very, very painful.  So hate the rejection and excoriating pain of more and more shame to deal with.  So lonely, so rejected.  See ways out but they take money.  My N family twisted much of this shame and rejection up around money and now I must untwist and heal this all by myself - need a 3D person of compassion to help me sort it out and break through.   Need God's holy, supernatural intervention.

Shame, toxic, toxic shame and wholesale rejection are difficult, so very difficult to break through.  I know there is plenty of good about me.  I have been so shamed for so long.  There is more to my battle and I need great strength to break through.  The loneliness and rejection are the greatest.  It is hard to stand on one's own feet all alone.

[Hopalong]

Oh GS, I hear you.
(((((((((((GS)))))))))))

Been a rough morning for me too. Just the sense of being alone in the battles of my life.

I'll send you strength for today, to let the paralysis go.

I need to let mine go, too. It's been heavy lately (and also about money).
I'm getting up right now to tidy up the bedroom and take in some morning sunshine before I go to work.

I will visualize you getting up, drinking tea, breathing in the beauty and hope of a spring morning.

Would it help you to think about a part-time job? Just to be out in the community?

You deserve 3-D friends and companionship. One at a time. In the present.
You can't get from isolation to the embrace of a full community overnight, but you CAN overnight start to believe that this will become your new normal.

love and much understanding,
Hops

[lighter]

The thing about standing on your own feet.....

is....

as you do it and succeed.....

you become less wobbly....

you become sturdier.

You realize that you really are capable, though you doubted it to your bones your entire life.

Your belief in yourself grows and keeps growing as you problem solve and make it through difficult situations.

Then one day..... you recognize a person dealing with an old struggle of yours, maybe......

and you realize how far you've come.

It's slow but sure.

As focused as you are...... two steps forward.... one step back.

Painful.....

but true growth's always painful.

(((GS)))

[Ami]

OH GS
 I wish I could hug you. You take so many steps forward and you took a small one back.
 We were NOT meant to be alone , raising a child. That is why you feel alone. It IS an overwhelmimg situation. You handle it with such grace.
 I am so sorry for your money situation. It is a burden which weighs  down on you, especially when you know your family could help you, easily and won't. It is like being wounded all over again--over and over.
 I hear the discouragement .
 I am here, in any way I can ,to listen,support, anything.
     Love    Ami


(((((((((((GS)))))))))

[Iphi]

I hear you GS and send you my strong support.  My T said something to me 10 years ago that I continue to find very helpful.  I will plug the concept of shame into what she said.

When something really huge happens in your life, such as the degree of shaming you have experienced, it is like a mountain.  When you are very close to  it, it dominates the entire landscape and you can't see past it.  Then when you are on the mountain, you are struggling to survive.  Finally you leave the mountain behind, but your life path circles around the mountain on its way past, so that even though it is over and you are on your way, the mountain is still something you often see in the landscape, but it gets gradually smaller as you move on and away.

Another way to think of it is that you don't move in a straight line in life, so much as spiraling around.  So it seems we come back to the same places again and again, but actually they are slightly different each time.

I hope these ways of thinking about it help when you encounter the feelings.

[Gaining Strength]

I've read your kind posts and will respond to each.  I am surprised by the pain I feel today.  I don't see it as backward progression but as moving forward.  I believe this pain is old pain that I am feeling now because I am strong enough to handle the pain that I could not when it first came. 

It is a lot of pain but it does not feel like it will kill me the way the pain once did.  The loneliness feels like it will kill me but it won't and I believe that as I continue to heal and as I become more and more functional that I will begin to develop friendships and a social life. 

I spend too much time here but it is out of extreme loneliness and the difficulty I have moving forward because of the shame paralysis (which is lessening).  I am so thankful to have a place to come and to receive support.  It is like drinking nectar that has medicinal properties.

[lighter]

Through the fire is the only way out.

It won't kill you.....

promise.

((GS))

[Ami]

Dear GS
 You are finding who you are ,despite the shame and UNDER the shame, the true 'you" It is not a waste of time. Your true "you" is a precious jewel that will carry you through life ,in the best way
 You are a beautiful "you" and under the "dust"(lies and distortions) is peace and self acceptance.You are mining it as one mines for gold and silver. It takes time and effort, but the reward is priceless.    Love You,   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I hope I can be your friend! We all need support & encouragement; reassurance and honest guidance when we're heading down wrong paths... That's what friends are for!!

Yeah, we all need friends and friends should truly help us when we stray.  Do you sense that I am headed down the wrong path?  I would like to know.

[Gaining Strength]

I get it.